Ex working whilst looking after kids.

[dangermouseisace]

I’m a bit about this. We’re in the middle of divorce. Ex is very money orientated and was financially and emotionally abusive.

When he last had kids during school hols he was working from home for 3 of the the 4 days he had them- the 4 days included the weekend. Kids had to occupy themselves for most of the time, ages 7, 10, 11. I recognise that sometimes people have to work and look after kids. But he’s now gone on 2 weeks holiday abroad with the OW, and he isn’t working during that. If I’d known he was going to be working whilst he had the kids I would have suggested they stay with me or my parents.

He wants kids more during the week, but he works whilst he’s got them already...and only has them for the eve.

I suspect his incentives for having the kids are financial rather than wanting to spend time with him, but I don’t know what, if anything, I can do about this. Any suggestions?

[dangermouseisace]

Sorry didn’t make it clear- during the week he has 1 overnight rather than ‘just the evening’...what I mean is he doesn’t take responsibility for 24 hours, it’s just tea time til 8am.

[Ginorchoc]

Lots of parents work from home including me and have to balance this with children in the house.

[MrsBertBibby]

Not a lot you can do to stop him WFH when the kids are there.

We're the kids OK with it?

[PotteringAlong]

So if he’d asked you to have them you could have started a thread about how he didn’t want his contact and how other parents have to balance working and childcare and why couldn’t he. I suspect he simply can’t win here.

[greenberet]

I know this feeling Op - do you have contact agreed officially? If not I would suggest you do. Been through a horrendous divorce - our contact was agreed between us tues night & EOW - during divorce process x continually used contact issues to rack up fees, threaten me with court anything he could to throw me off guard and keep me in emotional flux. Affected my ability to deal with financials and keep on top of things.

He would never stick to pick up/ drop off times that he'd instigated would say couldn't have kids when I wanted a holiday due to work and would chop and change for "work" but really for personal life with OW.

Dues to kids age 13 at time it never progressed to being official - kids are now nearly 17 and he is taking me to cms court tribunal over maintenance - he now sees kids every other week by telling them he can't see them on a Tuesday and makes up for it the following week - any coincidence that he wanted this from the start to keep maintenance down and now that he has bought a house with OW who is not local it suits him this way. Never mind that my night off was a Tuesday and I have plans - kids have been caught in the middle for so long they are sick of it all - me too - what he wants goes and now I have no comeback due to age.

Also get the not full responsibility - nothing has changed for me since we were married as x money focused too and own business so was always working - except I have got shafted financially and am now struggling and relying on benefits - make sure you have got a very very good legal team that take no nonsense x

[greenberet]

And just wanted to add my kids never get any time to relax - their lives are stressful enough without living between two houses - their home is here - they pack and take with them what they need when they go to X - I mostly do all washing etc - due to my own MH issues I am struggling too - I tried to keep things low key for the kids but this hasn't happened - they don't get the manipulation being put on them by x and I am always the one who is having to take the hit - I still feel abused despite the final court hearing over a year ago now. I am counting down until the kids reach 18

[MrsBertBibby]

Bye bye thread.

[Xenia]

Well I've done that so much (have the children 365 days a year and I work full time - their teacher father would have them not even one night of 8 week summer school holiday, we would all go away for one week and the other 7 they would be at home and I'd work. i think depending on their ages (they had someone I paid to be here until they were older of couerse) it can work out fine - a bit of no activities and being self sufficient is good. Mine at university now cook really well as they've done their own cooking for years etc etc. However if he has very little ones at home he should really hire someone - we had a sixth former who would come in for a monrning once a week and it wasn't very expensive and she was so lovely with the little twins and gave them so much attention every second of her 4 hours - compared with parents rushing around working, cleaning etc.

[Coyoacan]

So if he’d asked you to have them you could have started a thread about how he didn’t want his contact and how other parents have to balance working and childcare and why couldn’t he. I suspect he simply can’t win here

I think it's perfectly fine to let off steam here. A lot of people are just glad of a break from the children while they are at the ex's house, but not everyone feels like that.

But as long as the children are being well looked after, OP, you should really take this time to do something for yourself.

[dangermouseisace]

I did say I understand lots of parents have to work from home- my own mother did! However, my ex was not due to have the children for half of the period that he did- sorry, I didn't explain that he requested that they go to his for an extended period, rather than just the weekend, then worked for 3 of those 4 days in total. And instead of taking annual leave to spend with them, he's now taken 2 weeks to spend with the OW abroad on holiday.

The kids weren't happy with him working from home. They get told to stay in their rooms and not make a noise (he has a lot of conference calls). They get told to stay in their rooms a lot, even when he isn't working. and they've complained about it to him. I don't think that constitutes being well looked after as that just isn't normal. I don't like to think of them being miserable, hence I would rather they had been here. At least here they can leave their rooms, have a garden to play in, go to the park by themselves, wheras ex doesn't let even the eldest go out by himself.

greenberet your situation sounds similar to mine- it's like reading about my ex, although he doesn't have his own business. Sorry to hear that your divorce has been so shit. I have health problems, and every time I get ill I get threatened with court proceedings over the children, even though the children are always looked after well. My solicitor says it's just him trying to kick me when I'm down, with no real desire on his part to look after the children. We don't have a formal contact order but maybe this would be a good idea as he is so difficult to pin down to any commitment, and quick to threaten going for custody himself.

[greenberet]

Danger - I didn't get some of the comments on here especially @MrsBertBibby.

I can fully get your DH attitude - when my X worked from home even with me here I had to keep kids quiet so as not to hassle him - impossible when you have an active boy - it was him that should have been working elsewhere - not kids having to be restricted.

Thing is with your situation this would not be a one off - and I fully expect it is all about finances too - you have a long way to go til kids are 18 - cover yourself with getting contact formalised