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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

Not sure what is fair

29 replies

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 19/04/2018 06:02

STBX left last year for OW. We have two children. He has them EOW from Friday evening till Sunday evening. He generally sees them for a couple of hours once or twice a week.

I work PT and always used all my AL to cover school holidays. I was fine with this as this was the agreement when married. He would use a couple of weeks for any childcare l couldn't cover and for family day's out. The rest he'd use for himself to go away either seeing friends or to pursue his hobby - approx 2 weeks worth.

As soon as we seperated l implemented EOW and said he had to do school holiday cover too. He seemed a little shocked but we agreed EOW and l would cover 8 weeks of the school holdays and him 6 weeks.

As l am PT l originally said l'd have them on my day's off when it's his week to cover but now I'm thinking that maybe he should have to do the full week like l do.

I really don't know what to do. Is it fair on him that he should have to cover the full week like l do when it's my turn. Or should l still have the children on my days off.

He wasn't happy originally with the amount he had to cover as it meant he wouldnt get any time off to himself.... but l haven't ever had AL just for me - although as he pointed out l do get my days off when the children are in school. But l did answer and say that when we were together l was happy with that as that's what couple's do to facilitate each other i.e l worked PT to be with the children so he could have a well paid career and not have to "do" much childcare. But now he doesn't facilitate that.

So should he have to cover the full week or would it be fairer if he just does the day's l work and l have them the rest?

OP posts:

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Phillipa12 · 19/04/2018 06:24

Well he would, its called holiday club, but i see what you mean! How amicable are you? It might be worth you offering to have the dc on some of your days off but not all. What if you decided to go away for a week like he does, they are his children too.

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 19/04/2018 06:33

What if you decided to go away for a week like he does, they are his children too

That has been said to me by friends. Currently he is still going on holidays and just tells me he won't be seeing them during the week. I don't have that option as they live with me.

OP posts:

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 19/04/2018 06:37

If he goes away for a weekend he just tells me he won't be seeing them that Friday evening for those couple of hours.

I can't go away Friday's on my weekends "off" as he doesn't collect them till 6.30pm.

OP posts:

LiteraryDevil · 19/04/2018 06:51

Do you have court order in place? If not it would be worth getting one. Mine states that we each have half of the school holidays, every other weekend and he has them for tea after school one day a week. I don't work at all at the moment but am going back soon. If I did work I'd have to use child care in the holidays. The children live with me.
Sounds like he only wants to be a dad when it suits him. Just like mine.

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 19/04/2018 07:27

No court order. He is a good dad and does far more now then when we were together. Mainly because he has too as he can't go off all day every Sat and Sunday's doing his hobby like he used too

OP posts:

LiteraryDevil · 19/04/2018 07:38

A court order would stop his piss taking buggering off on your free weekends. He's not a good dad at all because he only wants them when it suits him.

ClareB83 · 19/04/2018 07:51

If he's accepted the situation I would leave it for these school holidays. He can pay for childcare and keep some of his annual leave for himself if he chooses.

But you might find you miss your kids too much and want to see them for some of those days when you're not working. If so you could offer to have them on your off days for some of his weeks.

SusanDelfino · 19/04/2018 08:01

How old are the DC? I'd look to work full time again if I was you (beneficial down the line for many reasons) so he has no arguments left re the holidays. He'll just have to cover half to facilitate your work. Seems fairest to all.

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 19/04/2018 08:31

14yrs and 11yrs. Eldest is disabled

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 19/04/2018 10:28

He takes holidays without his kids? He's a rubbish dad. Any decent parent spends the bulk of their annual leave with their children.

SusanDelfino · 19/04/2018 14:34

I agree. I think both parents need to take most if not all of their holidays to cover the school holidays. Even that leaves a couple about 4 weeks short a year. At those ages of kids, I'd really go full time asap unless your disabled child can't be in childcare.

SusanDelfino · 19/04/2018 14:36

Of course if you do work full-time he also has to not only cover half the school holidays but also half of the inset and sick days. In my opinion. That gives both of you an equal shot at earning a living.

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 19/04/2018 22:05

Many thanks everyone

OP posts:

theredjellybean · 19/04/2018 22:10

Do you get spousal support? If you do, this is facilitating you to continue to work part time while he works full time, and I can see a bit why he would feel that your days off in the week should be used to cover child care during holidays

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 20/04/2018 15:55

I do not get spousal support. I get the minimum monthly child maintanance that the calculator stated

OP posts:

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 20/04/2018 15:57

Him and the OW now live together and so have two incomes to my one.

OP posts:

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 20/04/2018 16:04

Depending on your job you could ask about moving some days around, I’m allowed by my workplace to move some of my workdays in the summer holidays to other days when I would normally be off- it suits them if they need extra cover in school term time and reduces our holiday club payments. Maybe you could work a full week when your DCs are at your ex’s and have extra days off when they are with you?

QuiteLikely5 · 20/04/2018 16:16

The question is: what is best for your kids? Not you or him

BewareOfDragons · 20/04/2018 16:17

Make him cover his time. ALL of his time.

He's taking the piss. Time to wake the fucker up re what it means to bring children into the world. They're his responsibility, too, not just yours. And poor diddums moaning that he doesn't get 'me time' holidays ... holidays you never had while supporting his! What an ass.

BewareOfDragons · 20/04/2018 16:17

I bet he won't be as attractive to OW once she realizes you're going to make him do his full share of childcare either. Don't back down.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 20/04/2018 17:02

And yes totally make him do his share of the childcare seeing as he’s not subsidising you any longer. It astonishes me how many dads get away with this leaving their exs on part-time pay struggling to make ends meet.

theredjellybean · 20/04/2018 17:32

OP - as you are not getting spousal support then whether you choose to work p/t or not at all even if you want , and therefore are at home some days is none of his business and not anything to do with his responsibilities to his children .

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TryingToForgeAnewLife · 20/04/2018 19:54

My solicitor wanted me to go for spousal maintenance because of the restrictions l have on my working week due to DS1 extra needs, but l declined as l don't want his money for me. I just want what is fair for the children.

Although after the way he spoke to me at collection just now l wish l had took him for everything

OP posts:

SusanDelfino · 21/04/2018 11:44

So the divorce isn't through yet? Re-think the spousal support then maybe? Can you still do that?

Xenia · 21/04/2018 11:50

The biggest problem for many of us is you cannot force a man even to have the children one day a year so I had myself working full time and earning the most; their father a teacher with 8 weeks summer holiday (yes 8 weeks - fee paying school, long holidays) and not having the children one night even whilst I could take 1 week off work for our family holiday and then I had to pay for full t ime childcare for them for 7 weeks. The fact you cannot force the adult parent to have the children always seems very unfair to me - not a problem now mine are older teenagers.

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