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Help!! Initial/ Trial Separation. Staying in the same house together?

(3 Posts)
Lost2018 Wed 04-Apr-18 19:25:57

I'd love to hear how other people have managed a trial or initial separation where they've had to stay in the same house.

My husband and I may be separating after a breakdown of trust. At this point I don't know if it'll be permanent or temporary, either way it would be really tricky for one of us to leave. We have no family close by. I have more close friends nearby but I'm also the primary carer for our children and couldn't take them with me to sofa surf. At this stage, I want to minimise the impact on the children and their awareness of what's going on.

In the short term, I think we could be civil to each other (but if the issues lead to a more definitive break up then we'd need to live in separate homes!). It's me pushing for the separation/space. My husband understands and respects why, he wouldn't be what he'd want though.

I'm not sure how things should work financially. The main, but not only, reason for the need for space is lying over money. Those lies and other things means the trust is broken. I am now feeling cautious and concerned about money.

I don't earn. I have just quit my job to re-train. My husband has got a pay rise, meaning I was supposed to be having more time with the kids before an intense period of training. Talk about rubbish timing.

What is a sensible way for things to work financially in this situation? I think a 50/50 split of his salary and of the bills (however, that ends up happening in practical terms), until I have an income again or we make a more definite decision about the future. But is that really cheeky? If we reconcile all money would be family money and this period would end up a pause on the emotional front. If we separate fully, then we'd have to decide about the house, maintenance, etc, etc but we're not there yet (I am doing the calculations to check where I'd be financially and to make sure I could house me and the kids).

He is more focused on proving he can be trusted, so his suggestion is all salary goes to the joint account and I decide what he gets back as personal spending money and manage the rest. But I'm not sure about that if we're 'on a break'.


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Goingmad1234 Thu 05-Apr-18 09:32:42

I think this is difficult if the OH is showing you kindness and is trying to be trusted on a emotional level then that could be something to build on but financial issues while married can be complex. It is worth discussing mortgage and loans and other bills first and who is responsible for making sure they are paid. If one party is concerned about the others spending then having the bills paid first and discussing budgeting is a good way of building trust and confidence. If you are planning to return to work this could also be discussed. If you are lucky enough to both share money anxiety issues and plan it may help all areas

Lost2018 Mon 09-Apr-18 07:40:26

Thanks for the reply. I didn't think anyone had.

I have always been the one to make sure bills get paid. He is the main earner but did ensure our joint account had enough to cover core bills and I made sure they got paid. So that side of things is fine. It's more than he's been withholding money (when expenditure needs and my income changed), lying about how much he earns (and gaslighting me when I asked questions), racking up debts, dipping into funds we agreed wouldn't be touched, etc. But it's the lies, deceit and gaslighting that get to me.

My DH says the right thing one minute and then it's the same old habits the next. He's not taken any actual steps towards proving I can now trust him at all. For example, he talked about seeking counselling but hasn't actually looked into any at all, in any way. He's doing his typical thing of burying his head in the sand and hoping it goes away. Although, to be fair, he is now arranging to be paid into the joint account (he used to be paid into his personal account and then transferred a fixed amount each month).

I am now really angry and hurt and am struggling to keep that in check in front of the kids. I'm now realising how much previous arguments had been down to me being full of confused resentment but also guilt because his gaslighting meant I couldn't pinpoint why I felt that way. All that previous resentment is now coming to the fore with full force. It has the potential to create a toxic environment for the children so somethjng needs to change and fast.

I'm not really sure what to do now. But I think I am going to go ahead and suggest living separately but within the same house for a bit. Hopefully, we can agree budgets for him to manage his own life and for me to manage mine, the kids and core bills.

He won't be mean. He will be kind about it all. He's not a bad man. He's just sadly one I don't trust any more :-(

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