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If you live a distance from your ex, do you meet halfway?

(37 Posts)
Pinkjenny Sun 01-Apr-18 14:48:33

Exdh and I have been divorced for 6 years. He is remarried, and 3 years ago he moved 120 miles away from where we lived together. The arrangement was that he would pick the kids up on a Friday after school, and bring them back on a Monday before school. It worked fine.

The kids and I moved in July last year, we are now 62 miles away from him. He was utterly vile about us moving, said I was unsettling them, emailed me incessantly, threatened me with legal action etc. At the time, I did everything I could to try and appease him, but basically to get him off my back. One of the arrangements we made was that I would meet him halfway on a Friday after school. So I finish work at 3, I drive the kids to his place of work which is conveniently halfway between where he lives and where I live. It’s a 2.5 hour round trip for me because of the Friday traffic.

He is quite a difficult character, he can’t stand me, and things can be tough. He does odd things just to put me out, for example last Monday he waited at a roundabout 400 yards from the house at 7.30am rather than bring them to the door. Just to be awkward.

Anyway, tomorrow is the first week of the Easter hols, and as we are both off work, I’ve suggested he come and collect them, and he is refusing to. I also suggested that as I am off work a week on Monday, but he’s at work, I would go and collect them from Leicester rather than him bringing them home.

Again, he’s refusing.

So what I’m asking is, is it common to meet halfway? Do lots of people do it?

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Pinkjenny Sun 01-Apr-18 14:50:08

Oh and it’s every other weekend, not every weekend.

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GaraMedouar Sun 01-Apr-18 14:54:11

I am about 50 miles from ExH but that’s 90 minutes drive each way as it’s mainly B roads. One does the Fri evening trip and one does the Sunday evening trip so we share the load that way instead of trying to meet in the middle - which would probably be more of a pain with waiting around etc.

Pinkjenny Sun 01-Apr-18 14:55:11

I thought my suggestion was reasonable, apparently not. Apparently I’m using them against him by suggesting he picks them up on a bank holiday when he’s not at work.

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TheLastNigel Sun 01-Apr-18 15:39:08

What's his alternative suggestion then?

Pinkjenny Sun 01-Apr-18 15:46:02

He doesn’t have one, he wants me to drive halfway tomorrow and is unwilling to come here. He keeps asking me to ‘play fair’ but it’s all getting a bit silly now. And I’m really uncomfortable with the context, as if the dc are some big inconvenience.

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Ilovecamping Sun 01-Apr-18 15:49:42

My ex and I used to meet halfway,it worked well for us.

Pinkjenny Sun 01-Apr-18 15:51:40

I’m possibly slightly perplexed by the fact that somehow I’ve moved them closer to him and yet he’s doing less than before? Also my dp would drive anywhere to spend time with his dc, and wouldn’t see this as an issue at all, so I’m judging this by his standards, if that makes any sense.

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PlumsGalore Sun 01-Apr-18 15:57:20

Sounds to me like he is punishing you for moving on with your life. No experience i m afraid but can you get it drawn up legally rather than relying on his —lack of— goodwill.

MrsPussinBoots Sun 01-Apr-18 16:02:22

He sounds like an idiot. My ex moved 100 miles away to London and I then moved 100 miles the other way to South Devon. DD only goes to him in school holidays but we always meet at Bristol - it's easier for everyone.
Have you swapped 120 miles of easy motorway to 62 miles of awful country lanes?

Pinkjenny Sun 01-Apr-18 16:02:49

That’s exactly what he’s doing. And at the beginning I would have understood that, but he’s remarried now and it’s been 6 years. He just keeps saying ‘this is a point of fairness between you and me.’

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Pinkjenny Sun 01-Apr-18 16:04:05

No, it’s all motorway, but I have to do the M42, M6 and M69, and I basically take him to where he works and would be going home from on a Friday anyway.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just being difficult.

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Pinkjenny Sun 01-Apr-18 16:10:09

Take them. Not him.

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Phillipa12 Sun 01-Apr-18 16:10:23

I moved 280 miles away when i split with my ex, we have always met halfway. He has now moved closer but its still 120 miles, and we still meet halfway eow. Infact some weeks he does more driving, but then he wants to see the dc. I would be tempted to go the legal route and get it in writing that its halfway and if hes to drop home, he drops home...not a roundabout!

Pinkjenny Sun 01-Apr-18 16:12:43

I think part of the problem is things like the roundabout example. There’s lots of this, and it makes me just not want to do anything to help him out. Which is pathetic, I know.

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messofajess Sun 01-Apr-18 16:15:18

He sounds like a nightmare. Surely he should have been excited to have his kids closer to him in the first place?

bigchris Sun 01-Apr-18 16:16:42

Yes you need to go the legal route, is there a reason why you haven't already?

Aprilmightmemynewname Sun 01-Apr-18 16:19:30

Please please seek legal advice. When I moved (25 miles away) ex refused to assist and I was driving 500 miles a week to maintain the contract as per the court order. I had no quality time with the dc. Our relationship was car based only in reality.

Pinkjenny Sun 01-Apr-18 16:23:24

I suppose I haven’t gone down the legal route because on a Friday, I finish at 3, apparently he can’t finish until 4.30, so I suppose it makes sense. I’ve said to him, ‘I don’t understand why you aren’t just really excited to come and collect them and spend a week with them,’ he’s gone on about them being his world and whatnot but THIS IS OUR AGREEMENT. I’ve pointed out that there is no such agreement in place for holidays.

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Bythebeach Sun 01-Apr-18 16:26:43

My ex moved 230 miles away 8 years ago when my son was 4. Two years later we moved 50 miles the other way, so 280miles. We’ve tended to do one party responsible for getting DS1 to his dad’s and the other doing the return. We did this for all holidays and half-terms. His dad also used to do five or six trips a year to see DS1 for a w/e at ex’s parents place which was about an hour and a half for us but double that for him so he did take on more travel - but this felt fair as he had made the decision to move so far. However, for the last five years he has done no we don’t meet half way but have done half of travel for last 5 years.

Pinkjenny Sun 01-Apr-18 16:34:47

I suppose there are lots of examples of meeting halfway. And like I say, I do it every other Friday. But let’s be honest, there’s two reasons why he won’t come tomorrow. The first is that he doesn’t want to do the full drive, and the second is that if he comes here then he feels like he somehow doing me a favour. Which he won’t do.

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Obsidion Sun 01-Apr-18 16:43:39

My Ex lives 240 miles away. We meet halfway, he has them about one weekend a month.

Pinkjenny Sun 01-Apr-18 16:47:54

I’ve agreed to go. The more the argument goes on, the more uncomfortable I feel about it seeming like I don’t want to take them. But exdh always gets whatever he wants because he just goes on and on and on until I agree. It’s bullshit.

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TheLastNigel Sun 01-Apr-18 17:32:50

But if there's no agreement and you've actually moved nearer so he's therefore doing less how can it be a point if fairness?
Who pays for the petrol for all the dropping off at his work you do?
I'd say insist on meeting bang in the middle going forwards. Because that is actually the point of fairness. The half way pointsmile

Pinkjenny Sun 01-Apr-18 18:31:52

Leicester is halfway, that’s not really the point I was trying to make. Badly.

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