Having a down day

[Fruitandnut12]

Hi, I have been separated from my husband for just over two years now. It was my decision to leave,there were trust issues and he could be quite controlling.

At the beginning I was positive and moved forward without a problem, knowing I’d made the right choice. I rented a house for me and the kids, everyone commented how different I was ( outgoing and laughing more) everything was fine.

In the last 6 months my husband asked to try again, we had been more or less amicable throughout and if I’m being honest I had started to feel as though I missed the family unit and started to doubt my original decision. After a lot of thought we went out to talk. He said all the right things for eg “ I love you and want to make it work” “I realise I wasn’t always right” “I hate dating it’s you I want”...... he has been in many dating sites in our time apart and swore he would delete them all.

I found out two weeks after our date he was in fact still on them and felt devastated as he had also been chatting in them. I felt hurt and bs k to square one with the trust thing.

I told him I couldn’t go back as in my eyes if he meant what he said he would’ve deleted them and concentrated on us. He said he wasn’t sure if I was serious about reconciling and said he wasn’t doing anything wrong as it was my choice to leave in the first place! I know it’s doomed, I feel we’ve been apart too long but I just can’t let go and it’s driving me mad. I’ve stopped all contact apart from texts re the kids but I am struggling now. It’s so hard I know deep down I would be setting myself and the kids up for a fall but I can’t help thinking about what could of been. Please talk some sense into me!!!!

[NC4Now]

I had this with my children’s dad, a very long time ago. The lightbulb moment was when I realised that thinking about a future with him filled me with dread, not joy.

I moved on and started a new relationship (a different story) and we’re now fairly good friends. We function fine on that level.

It’s natural to miss him but I think it’s the him you hoped he’d be, rather than the him he really is that you miss.

[Fruitandnut12]

Thank you NC4Now I was going along just fine but he seemed so sincere and if I’m honest a divorce wasn’t what I wanted for us or the kids but maybe it will be the best option, definite closure. 90% if the time I’m convinced I’ll be fine but days like today I feel sad and at 42 feel a bit of a failure. I thought my life would be different and we’d be a family forever.

[eve34]

Oh fruit. What a difficult situation to be in. I think we all buy into the idea of a Happy family unit. I would do anything to of kept ours together. But he and ow had other ideas.

You left for good reason and only you can decided if enough changes have happened for things to be different this time. I don't envy your situation.

[Fruitandnut12]

Eve34 it’s hard. I think the 2 years apart have changed us. He has been in dates and slept with other people ( I also had a brief relationship) so there are more obstacles to overcome. I’m sad that it feels he isn’t the person I married but I’m not either. I can’t see how we can mend it.

[eve34]

Fruit. No. None of us are the people we use to be. And nothing will be the same. So you feel safe with him and do you think you can trust him again.
Maybe spending more time together will give you a better idea if you can be a couple again.