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Confronting cheating OH today

(25 Posts)
Kitty175 Tue 13-Mar-18 06:57:39

First post and I know you lot can be brutal ;)

Been with DH 23 years since I was 17, we have 3 little ones. He’s cheated before a long time ago.

A month ago I noticed changes in behaviour etc which immediately rang alarm bells. Last week I followed him (I know this is crazy) his car was at some random house when he should have been at work.

Decided to follow him today and confront him. He’s spun me lies before and talked his way out of everything. It’s over but I need to look him in the eye and to see for myself.

Thinking of taking a bag packed for him to go to hotel or stay with her, whatever so he’s not coming into the house to upset the kids until the dust has settled. Hoping that after weekend we can meet up and talk about the kids etc and what the fuck we do in this mess.

Anyone been in similar situation? I’ve been feeling sick and can’t sleep.

percy1979 Tue 13-Mar-18 07:43:45

I’m in a similar situation at the moment. Discovered on Mother’s Day that my husband has been cheating, saw a stream of messages on his laptop - he left it on that screen (either because he was drunk or because he wanted me to see it). When I confronted him he said it was inevitable (the affair), that he was sorry I had found out that way but not sorry it happened.
We’ve been together for 15 years, married for 10 and have two children. Our marriage was not perfect, but I’m gutted that he wants to throw it all away. I asked him to stay at his mum’s last night after work (which he did) and have asked to come home after children are in bed tonight as I don’t want to play happy families.
Good luck, hope your conversation goes well.

Kitty175 Tue 13-Mar-18 09:11:10

Thanks for replying

My heads spinning between wanting to be a strong role model for the kids and wanting to stay together but I don’t think he would even do relate.

I know I sound pathetic but I can’t bear the thought of breaking up the family unit and losing my best friend. We get on well (or so I thought)

percy1979 Tue 13-Mar-18 13:22:59

You don’t sound pathetic at all - I’m struggling the same as you. One minute incredibly angry that he is willing to throw everything away and the next very sad and tearful.

Davespecifico Tue 13-Mar-18 13:26:19

Don’t confront yet. Get more evidence and bide your time. This will so 2 things: give you time to process it and grieve so you’re mentally stronger when you leave and 2, you’ll have a greater body if evidence that he can’t deny or hide.

letsdolunch321 Tue 13-Mar-18 13:32:12

I would have to confront him.

I wouldn’t give him a bag just tell him to hand back the door keys. Why & how these stupid idiots think they can do as they please is beyond me

When this happened to me I gave him some clothes back then cut the rest up especially his work uniform as I knew it would inconvenience him. Childish some may say - made me feel better at the time

Screaminginsideme Tue 13-Mar-18 13:42:21

Good luck op. Space is always good. Can you handle him going to the OW?
Packing him a bag will be a clear signal that you are taking this seriously and mean business. Get the keys off him and tell him he can only come home with your agreement. If that is what you want. X

Kitty175 Thu 15-Mar-18 10:27:03

Update-

I caught him in the act yesterday so confronted him and OW, got very heated and I’ve thrown him out. I’ve asked him not to contact me and that I will be in touch next week to discuss the kids. My heads reeling. Kids have accepted that he’s away with work for the moment. Had loads of messages from him expressing remorse etc prob 60 yesterday and 10 today. I’ve asked him to respect what I’m asking and stop.

Thing is I’m not sure where we go from here. He’s cheated before (before kids) so I’m broken by this. I didn’t throw him out then so guess I made it easy. How long can I get him to stay at hotel before making more permanent decisions. I’m not sure if he does miss me or the comfort of home, he asked for spare clothes I’ve told him to fuck off and buy them from next or wherever.

Does anyone get to this point and work things out? How can there be trust?

All I can think about is that I saw OWs naked body and sorry she was a minger. In my mind she was leggy and blonde, all the things I’m not and I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Upperwallop Thu 15-Mar-18 10:34:20

Please try not to think about the ow. She is nothing to you and could be anyone. I can't imagine how devastating it must be to actually witness them together like that though. You poor thing. You are in shock right now and will need to be strong just to get through the next few days. Gather all your strength and try not to crumble. For what it's worth, I really don't think you can patch over something like this. You will be tempted to do the 'pick me' dance and your self esteem will plummet.

Purplerain101 Thu 15-Mar-18 10:43:38

I think it’s totally normally to go back and forth with your emotions in a situation like this and feel like you want to make things work one minute, and like you want to murder him the next. He’s been a massive part of your adult life and to suddenly lose that will be like grieving for someone who has died.
Try not to fixate on the OW if you can as for all you know he might have been spinning her a web of lies too. I was once sleeping with a man who I knew had a wife and kids but he was very convincing that they had been on a break for a while and weren’t getting back together. This was obviously total bullshit and I felt such a fool for being so easily manipulated like that.
Anyway - even though it will seem like the hardest thing in the world I don’t think a relationship can recover after infedility twice, and also all the lies he must have spun you. Trust is absolutely crucial in a happy relationship.
Do you have a good support network to help you? Family and friends nearby?
Don’t let him try and manipulate the situation or do the usual ‘emotional blackmail’ crap that often happens in situations like this. No doubt he’ll be sobbing his heart out to you saying he’ll die if you leave him. rolls eyes!

Kitty175 Thu 15-Mar-18 11:35:14

I have lots of good friends and have confided in some and they are trying to help but there’s not much they can do. I called my boss who has been brilliant and told me to take a few weeks off sick and not to stress about work.

For what it’s worth he says he isn’t with her and doesn’t want to be it was just sex. Not sure what to believe. That’s the problem now. I literally feel sick all day, can’t sleep and keep imagining chest pains.

Upperwallop Thu 15-Mar-18 11:39:37

That anxious feeling is horrendous.

You don't have to believe anything he says though - you've seen all you need to with your own eyes and that is bad enough. Make your decision based on what you've witnessed and forget anything he says about what did or didn't happen. After all, you can't believe a word he says because he's proven himself to be a liar.

Screaminginsideme Thu 15-Mar-18 13:11:03

Hi - i’m So sorry you are going through this- how you didn’t commit GBH is beyond me!

There are some great support sites around to help you through.

Www.survivinginfidelity.com and the Beyond affairs network have helped me a lot

Kitty175 Sun 18-Mar-18 07:56:44

So 4 days in a shitty hotel and since the first day he is begging for me to take him back. He says he will do anything, therapy on his own with me, anything. Seemingly so much remorse about how sad he has made me.

My head is in loops about which way to go. Has anyone took them back and it’s worked?

Hermonie2016 Sun 18-Mar-18 10:27:55

It will also be a risk and I think you have to consider that rebuilding trust may not happen.You will always be looking over your shoulder, checking up on him.

He has issues which is why he cheats, maybe its boredom, sense of entitlement or just he needs to cheat as finds it exciting.You didn't cause him to cheat and therefore you can't control if he will cheat again.You will have to live knowing he lies well and cannot be trusted.

Why not post on relationship board for support.

Mrsramsayscat Sun 18-Mar-18 11:06:24

I wouldn't. Twice is not a coincidence.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 18-Mar-18 11:43:58

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice.....

Don’t take him back

MyBoysAndI Sun 18-Mar-18 18:29:25

I personally wouldn't especially as this isn't the first time. Sadly it might not be the second time either.

I could never ever trust him again ... and without trust in a relationship there are doubts. Doubts lead to arguements and breakdown of marriages.

However... only you can decide what you want for your future and what you're happy to compromise on

Aprilmightmemynewname Sun 18-Mar-18 18:33:34

You will struggle to forget naked ow. You will never forget what your dh was doing to her at that time imo.
Move on - file for divorce ASAP.
Like ripping the plaster off.

adayatthebeach Sun 18-Mar-18 18:37:42

He will just be more careful the next time. Can you live the rest of your life watching his every move? Seems to me the vision of him with her will stay in your head as long as he’s around. Sorrysad OP.

sparklepops123 Sun 18-Mar-18 18:38:39

He’s done it before and again now and will in the future. You deserve better ! Move on flowerswine

sparklepops123 Sun 18-Mar-18 18:39:29

Oh and he’s a bastard

AnyFucker Sun 18-Mar-18 18:45:06

Oh please

There are millions of men in this world.

Cut this shagger loose. He's never going to stop.

Antislut Fri 06-Apr-18 22:27:19

You could give him a chance at least, for your children.

Don't just immediately go to divorce.

WheresYouWheelieBin Sat 07-Apr-18 07:10:03

Only you know if you think you can work it out with him. You could give counselling a go to try to understand why he has cheated (not once, but twice), and see if you can work out how to rebuild some of the trust. Not sure if you’d ever get all of the trust back. This is huge, you don’t have to decide what to do immediately.

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