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Why do I let this get to me?

(8 Posts)
Lostmykeys Mon 12-Mar-18 19:03:58

Divorced two years ago after 16 year marriage. Amicable separation and divorce centred around needs of DC. Have moved on and have a lovely partner.
My ex has moved on too. Thrilled for him and wouldn’t want him to be lonely. However he gives everything to his girlfriend that he never did in our marriage. I appreciate that he realises what he lost and has learnt from our relationship. However every time he does something with his girlfriend or takes the kids out it feels like a kick in the teeth. Does anyone else feel like this? How do you manage not to feel so bitter?

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 12-Mar-18 19:13:15

Not me, but my mum is still driven slightly mad by what she sees as my dad being exactly like this with my SM. DM and SM actually get on pretty well, it’s been 20 years and DM wanted the divorce because DF was a terrible husband! One of her main issues was that all he did was work, leaving her to carry the full mental load and she was always too exhausted to be “fun”. What she struggles with now is how DF has stepped up for SM and she gets to be fun. SM never had DC, had several careers she enjoyed, travelled the world and got to retire early and enjoys the fruits of DFs success.

DM is right. But she doesn’t have to put up with DF as her husband, which is worth it, even though he’s otherwise a wonderful man, and they’re friends now.

I don’t know if that helps but I totally recognise what you’re saying. Things might look rosy but he might not really have changed. And if he has, you won’t ever know why but for some reason it wasn’t going to happen within your dynamic. Not because of who you are or what you’re like, but because of him and who he is.

Lostmykeys Mon 12-Mar-18 19:20:23

Thank you. Sounds just like the situation I find myself in. It’s the ‘stepped up’ bit!
In theory he’s become a better partner and father so it’s positive in that way. Just hurts and every so often drives me mad! You’re so right about it not happening in our relationship dynamic. Thanks for the words of wisdom. Much appreciated and settling!

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 12-Mar-18 19:36:12

It’s good of you to feel that way. I guess it’s better for your DC that he’s being an improved dad, but you are obviously right that it’s not fair on you, not fair at all!

I’m divorced and remarried, no DC. When I found out my ex had married again (3 months after he met her online so she could get a visa...) my only wish was that he’s nicer to her than he was to me. It wasn’t all bad but there were times when he was truly horrendous to me and I hope he’s found a way to kill the monster and be a better man.

As no DC, and he’s binned off most of our joint friends, I barely ever see him and know nothing about their relationship. But it’s completely different to your own situation (so probably not helpful to you at all!) and I do feel for you.

Focus on your life now, your DC and just ignore him. WRT the new gf he might just be making an effort in the first flush and it’ll fade with real life. But even if it continues, he’s not your problem anymore and that’s s good thing. Happy days ahead for you OP.

Lostmykeys Mon 12-Mar-18 21:15:53

You’ve dispensed such wisdom this eve. Thank you!

Layniboggs123 Mon 12-Mar-18 22:45:28

I feel exactly he same STBXH left 8 months ago for OW after 16 years of marriage. (Not yet started divorce process) He his been the perfect partner to her and 2 kids. Going on family trips days out nights it, doing anything to please her. He was always at pub when we were together. still not great dad to our ds put her kids first and only sees him few hours a week. I'm really bitter about it all x how can someone change so much xx

PurpleWithRed Mon 12-Mar-18 22:52:34

I know how you feel, but the real lesson I learned is that actually I did enable his crap to a degree - acted the martyr, didn’t speak out, never pulled him up on stuff. I am very conflict averse. Not to say he wasn’t a self centred self obsessed git though. And while he seems better now I know that if he’d had more kids he’d have been just as bad with her as he was with me, and that when we do speak the old xdh is still there hiding under a micron thin veneer of New Man.

diddlemethis Tue 13-Mar-18 07:40:26

It is early days for them and I bet he was different at the start of your relationship.

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