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Can I ask for a hand hold today

(16 Posts)
isthismylifenow Mon 12-Mar-18 09:47:45

Just received the settlement agreement for divorce, so many things not as per verbal agreement. Trying to do this amicably but I am starting to wonder if this is even a possible thing.

Just feel so beaten down, I called my Dad when I got it, and couldn't even get one word out to him, I was just blubbering down the phone.

Seems like the gaslighting is still continuing, just like in the marriage. Of course he claims I agreed to this, that and the other. 'Why don't you remember this.... there is really something wrong with you" comments constantly. Good job I made notes of the discussion, and yip, as you guessed it, none of what he claims are there in the notes. ( I even checked as that is how fucking mental he is making me feel, I know I didn't agree to this)

At this point in time, I just feel like fucking signing, getting a raw deal but I just don't care. I need this over with now. I cannot deal with it anymore. I don't even have a solicitor of my own, as I cannot afford it. So I managed to get a barrister to look over things as he wont charge me, but he is away for a few days.

Just not coping well atm. Just so ground down. I need this over and one with now for my mental health's sake.

Blossom5 Mon 12-Mar-18 10:02:27

Hey don't sign you will regret it in the longer run just take your time are you getting good advice ? Women's aid might be able to help. Similer position altho your miles ahead he won't even sign the petition and is going for a defended divorce !!!! We argue daily about the kids and it's like a fight constantly I think he gaslighted me said I was mental etc even paid to get my gp notes and can you believe he was aloud to do this. Ugh also need a hand x

Picklepickle123 Mon 12-Mar-18 10:07:38

I'm so sorry. Don't sign something you're not happy with, in fact don't do anything today. Give yourself a few days to look at all the options, and definitely speak to women's aid.

isthismylifenow Mon 12-Mar-18 12:27:10

Thanks Blossom and Pickle.

Yes you are right Pickle, I shan't do anything today, just too emotional and probably not thinking clearly.

Sorry you are also not in a good situation Blossom. I can relate, its just so tiresome living like this. I know we will come through this somehow, but it does feel like quicksand right now. How can he get your notes from GP???? I cant send the hand you need, but how about this instead gin......

Knittedfairies Mon 12-Mar-18 12:44:51

Don't sign anything until your barrister has given it the once-over. A few days shouldn’t make much difference. Do not just sign to get it over with; you know your verbal agreements haven’t made it to the settlement.

Blossom5 Mon 12-Mar-18 13:26:11

Gin haha thanks ! He applied to the court who agreed it all it shows is I presented in Nov due to stress caused by him. I'm already at £2000 and have achieved nothing all this it is random letters going to his solicitor and mine we have mediation but I already know it won't work he refuses to leave the home. At least your at this stage maybe see it as a platform to take it up a notch (massive fan of blackmail) but yes if your tired and upset no decision can be made see this as a starting point x

isthismylifenow Tue 13-Mar-18 06:13:11

@Blossom5 argh, this is why I tried to avoid a solicitor my side and went with advise from a family friend, as the costs just rack up. And I am sorry but these solicitors can charge for every little thing, and in disputed cases, where does it end? This is the time when every penny counts anyway, it just frustrates me so about what the costs are to just get a fair deal.

Well, a bit of a pity party going on here yesterday, as if my day didn't start out bad enough, when dd came home from school she was in a bloody state. Was at her father for the weekend, and it turns out the 'girlfriend' (not official, apparently just a friend ha ha) has told her a lot of malicious lies, things that a child going through a divorce has no need to know. I am so beyond angry, such lies, aimed at me (things like I am stopping them having contact with their father... not true, and in any case they have spent the last 3 weekends with him, as I mentioned earlier, I keep record of everything and have even looked back through messages and emails to see if ever I refused him contact..... you guessed it, not once have I refused him) She also told dd that when I don't allow them to come over, her father sobs and cries all night as he misses them so much!! WTAF, we are talking about a young teenage girl here, who is going through complete and utter turmoil as it is. So of course I just wanted to go round there and then and have it out with him, but dd has asked me to please not say anything, its going to cause an issue between her and her father and she doesn't want that. So here I am, fucking seething, but have promised dd that I wont bring it up with him. I wont go back on a promise to my child, she needs me to be there for her, I am her support structure. I cannot risk breaking our bond of trust. So, I have booked for her to go and talk to a therapist tomorrow, wtf..... it just isn't fair.

I should add in here, that this is not the only set of rumours spread by this woman. I have learned a whole lot of things about myself that I didn't know. I didn't know that he asked me three times if he could move back, I didn't know that he begged and pleaded me for forgiveness so that we can move on from this. (he had multiple affairs and basically treated me like a doormat, this includes emotional abuse, gaslighting etc) I didn't know that I told him to leave when he chose to move out, oh so much stuff I learned..... I also didn't know that I arrange unnecessary sports events on weekends that the dc take part in, just to avoid him having contact with them. I mean, wouldn't a normal father just attend the event and watch if he was that upset about not seeing them. WTAF!

I am sorry, this is a big vent. I need to get it out somewhere and I don't really have anyone irl that cares all that much, as their problems are always bigger. So I tend to cocoon and then I get to a point like this and I am ready to bloody explode.

MyBoysAndI Tue 13-Mar-18 06:44:08

My stbxh was the same so l keep all communication via email or messenger. Then when he tries to gaslight me l just screenshot, send it back to him and call him out on his bullshit.

Each time you stand up to him your confidence will grow.

Blossom5 Tue 13-Mar-18 06:58:54

That must be so hard..... truly. Just remember happiness will be yours. He is spreading animosity at the detriment to your daughter and doe that they should be ashamed. However so long as you keep on top of things with your daughter you can't stop what he says. There is actually a book on this that I read I can't remember what it's called but it's online. Where the other person positions everyone. This woman will be gone soon. My ex to be gaslighted me said I was mental and I needed 5 years in therapy it really messed with me he would say "other people feel the same" I was like who are all these other people ! Just rubbish. X

isthismylifenow Tue 13-Mar-18 12:47:57

I live day to day and believe that I will get through this Blossom, but this week has been a tough one (and we are only on Tuesday....). I think I need to look for the book, I need something right now.... to either take my focus off this, or somehow to let me try to understand it. Can you remember who wrote it maybe?

My, yes everything I do is now done either via email or whatsapp, so that I have a record of every single thing. I first started doing this as I really thought I was forgetting everything and constantly doubting myself. Only, it isn't the case at all. Yet, still he does it. I screen shotted a message previously where he denied something. When I heard the rumour about how mental I am going (always forgetting everything), the rumee (is that a word?, basically the vindictive bitch) was obviously shown this message and it was relayed that this was only one part of the conversation.... sigh.... I don't even have the energy to argue with him right now, just the less said the better I think.

Blossom5 Tue 13-Mar-18 14:05:41

Divorce poision by Richard warshank you must read this also a book called not born to suffer by Blake bauer down load both asap

Blossom5 Tue 13-Mar-18 14:42:08

Can you contact social services about how what he is saying is effecting your daughter ? X

ziggiestardust Tue 13-Mar-18 14:48:50

My dad did the EXACT same thing to my mum. It was ridiculous. I remember her getting a call from her solicitor whilst on holiday with us and her getting off the phone with yet MORE questions from his side. Totally pointless stuff; stuff he already knew the answers to. She just sat and cried and felt totally defeated; like this would never be over. But she stood and fought another day for what she deserved. And then again, and again, and again. She answered every pointless question, kept pushing back, and one day he just... agreed. It took about 18 months total, and over a year of that was him just pushing back, asking more questions. Every week.

I suppose in a lot of senses; she had it easier because I am her adult daughter, and was able to support her as a witness to what she had been through, and a friend. She also had family (brothers) who had been through several divorces between them, and who supported her.

But she still did it, and the whole thing seems so distant now.

Have a wobble, fall apart, wallow a bit. But stand up and fight tomorrow. Don’t let him win.

isthismylifenow Thu 15-Mar-18 06:03:33

Thank you Blossom, will look for those books today.

smilethoyourheartisbreaking Thu 15-Mar-18 06:30:59

I am divorcing as Bastard too. King gaslighter. The only way to stand up to these pondlife is to actually stand up to them. That will I'm afraid mean going against your word to your daughter and if need be prevent him from seeing her if the abuse of is abuse. .continues

I find when I stand up...he backs down. it's like having a child. You need to establish y9ur acceptable boundaries and have zero fear of his reaction.. It is your fear that gives him power. And he is now using your child to create fear in you. The pig (allowing his gf to do this is an abuser just using someone else to abuse)

Draw your lines firmly. Take control. Empower yourself And your child. She has a right to be protected. You will have to take your ex on about this. It will take time but you will get through this

Blossom5 Thu 15-Mar-18 08:45:53

Your so right. I've found what works for me with someone who gaslighted is ignoring them which is not my usual style I would normally be angry and flare up. Since ignoring him he seems even crosser which works to my advantage when he breaches his non molestation order and the police cal him in. But I like that you stand firm I think in that case that will work I would seek help from women's aid and social services about the fact they are using your child to poison her mind and increase animosity that is also abuse x

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