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Just discovered my husband is having an affair

(76 Posts)
percy1979 Mon 12-Mar-18 00:07:06

No idea what to do - still in shock. Looked at my husband’s laptop screen while he was giving kids a bath to find a whole stream of messages to a woman. I’ve been ill all weekend so spent all of Mother’s Day in bed. Waited until kids were in bed and then confronted him. He met her 3 weeks ago on a very drunken night out with his brother, had a one night stand and then stayed in touch. His mum has known about it since then.
He’s just started a new job and asked about going to a conference next week, I’ve now found out that this woman is also going (not to conference just to see him) and staying with him in his hotel room. I feel like such a mug - I had encouraged him to stay the extra night at the conference and make the most of networking opportunities. Ha!!

Marriage hasn’t been great for a while, but I’m in shock that he would take the step of a one night stand, and even more that he would carry on plotting and talking about me to her, and send her pictures of our children.

No idea what my next steps are - he says he doesn’t want to fight, didn’t want to hurt me, is relieved that it’s out in the open. He thinks us separating was inevitable and that this was bound to happen sooner or later.

I’m deviated for my children. I can not afford to stay where we live on my teacher’s salary, so will have to move them out of their school and away from their friends.

percy1979 Mon 12-Mar-18 00:07:52

Devastated - not deviated!

Thisisit777 Mon 12-Mar-18 00:08:42

I’m so sorry sad that’s awful.

Thisisit777 Mon 12-Mar-18 00:09:20

Wish I could make you a cup of tea ( my antidote to all sudden shocks ).

Orlandointhewilderness Mon 12-Mar-18 00:10:09

so so sorry to read this. keep going, one day at a time. you can get through this. x

Thisisit777 Mon 12-Mar-18 00:13:20

Have you a close friend you can phone / meet with to discuss ? Xl

Catkins0877 Mon 12-Mar-18 00:20:29

He has brought all of this on very suddenly.U poor thing.My advice is to say u need a few days to get your head around this.screenshot commuter conversations and dates etc.no it sound bad but it's just to protect yourself.ring citizens advice see where you stand.then make your decisions.As hard as it is and heartbroken please try to remember this "if I was a child what would I like my mum to do if this happened.,"That's how I used to handle awful things when my children where growing up.hugs to u.xx

CaptainM Mon 12-Mar-18 00:21:11

So sorry to hear your news. Hope you have someone close to speak to. Try not to make any hasty decisions, and even though it's the last thing you want to think about now, speak to a solicitor ASAP as some decisions you make now, could have long-term impact. Hang in there...and know that this too shall pass...x

percy1979 Mon 12-Mar-18 00:23:21

Will talk to my sister and best mate tomorrow hopefully.
What do I do next? Do I need to find a solicitor ASAP? I’ve told him that he needs to stay at his mum’s tomorrow eve to give me some space. Very busy week at work, and I can’t be doing pleasantries in front of the children and then focus on work.

GrabbyMcGrabby Mon 12-Mar-18 00:26:23

From what I've read on here lock down all your cash, joint and otherwise.

flowers

GrabbyMcGrabby Mon 12-Mar-18 00:26:47

Then seek legal advice.

percy1979 Mon 12-Mar-18 00:30:35

Thanks Grabby, i’ve just emailed finance at work to get this month’s salary paid into my own account. I wouldn’t know where to find a decent solicitor, and doubt I can afford one.
How much do solicitors charge?

NWQM Mon 12-Mar-18 00:35:18

So sorry that you have had this shock. I'd say that unless you have a reason right not now to contact a solicitor it might be premature...and costly. You need a few days at least to decide what you are talking to the solicitor about. If you can emotionally bear it right now it might be worth looking at advice sight like the Citizens Advice Bureau which has a section about ending a relationship and gives you pointers about what to think about it. Protect yourself as much as you can. Make sure if you can that you know details - if you don't already - about his financial arrangements e.g pension. You will need these during the process and if he does leave you might find it harder to get. Seriously consider whether you can function normally at work or in other scenarios. You say that you have a busy and I'm sensing that your instinct will be to try and carry on as normal but do be gentle with yourself too.

percy1979 Mon 12-Mar-18 00:41:19

He has an NHS pension and I have a Teachers Pension. He had a career change though, so my pension is bigger than his I think. His aunt died last year and he will inherit 1/4 of her estate once the house has been sold - he’s the executor and being crap and moving the sale along.
He earns slightly more than me, I work 4 days a week, but if I went up to full time I would earn slightly more than him. We own a flat together, although we have a joint mortgage on 50% of it, and he bought the other 50% cash when he sold his buisness. I need to check who’s name the flat is in - do I own 25% or 50%. We don’t live in the flat, we rent it out and rent a bigger propert. Was only meant to be temporary but have been here nearly 5 years now. I couldn’t afford the rent on my own, and if I move back to the flat with the children then they would have to change School.

NextIndia Mon 12-Mar-18 00:51:24

God percy. What an utter cunt he is. I wish you strength for the difficult weeks ahead, but even when you feel at your lowest, make no doubt about it, you and your DC will be fine and in time, life will be good again and better for not having his lying, cheating arse hanging around. thanks

GayAllen Mon 12-Mar-18 00:54:59

What a bastard 😡

GrabbyMcGrabby Mon 12-Mar-18 01:00:48

I'm sorry, I don't know about what to do about solicitors. I am sure there are plenty of other posters who will come on and advise.

It all seems fairly final and that he wanted you to find out? Whatever, you say he doesn't want to be difficult. That's a good start. I hope It's true. Assume otherwise though (that he will be devious) though let him think you believe It's all amicable, both ways.

I wouldn't worry about where you and the kids will live right now. For starters, he's going to contribute financially, on the end, whethwr he likes it or not. So you may not be as broke as you think. Not like being widowed. (Sorry about the analogy- am a bit tired so typing quickly.)

I would also be wary of his inheritance and where those funds are going. 50% is yours. Do you think he met her before the date he told you?

Keep your cards close. He's lied enough already. You can't really trust him.

Take care. You and the kids and your health and well being are are number 1 priority. You've had a shock, but you will bounce back in the end.

flowers

And god, his Mum's a cow!

percy1979 Mon 12-Mar-18 01:03:58

His mum knowing (and probably his brother and SIL seeing as they both know he didn’t go home at the end of night out) bothers me a lot. For the last two weeks I’ve been messaging all of them inviting them for Sunday lunch and an Easter egg hunt. Feel like such a fool.

NWQM Mon 12-Mar-18 01:21:16

I can totally get why them knowing is bothering you - whether you have a good relationship with them (guessing you will feel that they have kept something massive from you etc) or if relationship isn't good (you are feel embarrassed that they know this / have something over on you) - but try and not focus on any relationship just at the minute but your with your husband. Have a think about whether you would consider meditation perhaps using a service like Relate. They can be helpful in talking through the mass of things you will need to decide - whether you and your husband decide to stay together or not. I am personally a firm believer in the fact that you will have to have a continued relationship with your husband - as the father of your children - so you need to write the 'terms of that relationship' to suit you and the children. But saying all this....please don't be afraid to give in a little to the shock. If you had flu you would look after yourself. This heartbreak will be having a real affect on your system. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

NameWithChange Mon 12-Mar-18 02:02:07

Sorry. What a horrible shock.

Most solicitors will give you a free half hour or hour consultation and you can glean a lot of information from that and what your next moves should be/could be.

What a wanker 😔

TheQueef Mon 12-Mar-18 02:18:56

What a wanker sorry Percy flowers

The mnet divorce team will be along in the morning to help.

Manaskingforadvice Mon 12-Mar-18 05:49:10

Percy1979: first of all let me say that all of our hearts go out to you. Please can I offer an alternative view to all those saying divorce the bastard. I'm speaking as someone finally reaching the other end of the process that doing so would trigger. OPs please feel free to flame away.
You are now in the driving seat in your relationship. It is up to you what you do next. You may want to divorce, and fair enough. However please think now what that means. Financial problems. Loneliness. Starting again. Your children would grow up in a less than ideal situation. By the time you go through the process you and your husband will all but certainly hate each other.
A generation ago our parents might have stuck it out in a bad marriage. But we now seem to have flipped to the opposite extreme. If one party cannot live up to 50 years of faultless monogamy society urges the wronged party to tear everything down. It's an expectation many people - decent people even - people who love their partner - sometimes fail at.
Time heals hurt, even the intense hurt of discovering an affair. By the time you reach the end of a divorce you may have forgiven him that. My STBEW says she has. But neither of us can forgive what we did to each other in the process of parting.
My advice. Don't tell any of your friends. As soon as you do there will be immense pressure on you to end your marriage. Get counselling from professionals. Think very carefully what kind of life you want in the future. With your family or without it. Only you can decide. Then both do what you need to do to get there.

percy1979 Mon 12-Mar-18 05:53:15

I’m not set on divorce - my parents divorced when I was 13 and I know how shit it was alternating Christmas etc. I asked my husband if he would go to counselling, but he said no, this is it. He thinks the marriage has been doomed for a long time and this is the nail in the coffin.
I told him that as long as he doesn’t stay the night at the conference next week (where he has planned to meet her) then nothing is final. But I think he wants it to be final, and leaving those messages on his computer screen was his coward’s way of telling me

Badtimegirly Mon 12-Mar-18 06:14:27

The grass is always greener on the other side they say, for a man to throw everything away on the basis of a one night stand says a lot about him OP, selfish and disrespectful to you and your DC.

As difficult as it is, I would be packing his bags and sending him off, you need time to think and look at your options.

I'm sick to my stomach that his family knows about this, like some dirty secret. That says a lot about them, and this woman well she's Klassy with a capital K.

Do not be forced into anything OP, we tend to run for the hills in these situations, instead of gathering our thoughts and making a decision that works for us.

Wallywobbles Mon 12-Mar-18 06:19:48

I think you have to go on as if it's final. He will only miss what he had if he doesn't have it. And if he says it's over than I'm afraid that you cannot do much about it. He needs to stay elsewhere from now on though.

So the next step is an initial discussion about how he's planning to continue parenting. Finances etc

If possible find some friends/contacts that divorced well. Ask them for lawyer recommendations.

Get appointments with recommended lawyers. 2 reasons for this. It's important to find a lawyer you can work with. I got lucky with no 4. The other reason is if you've seen them he can't use them.

While waiting for appointments get all your and his financial information together:
Tax returns
Bank accounts
Salary slips
Savings accounts
Investments
Life insurance
Pensions
Mortgages
Debts
Assets
Get the house valued

This will enable a lawyer to tell you what you might reasonably receive.

There are sites like entitledto that will tell you what you might be entitled to from the state. There are also maintenance calculators.

Write 2 lists in terms of kids, house, cars, maintenance etc:
What you'd like (copy to lawyer)
What you'd accept (private)

Do not tell him what you are doing. Just get on with it quietly. The more of a head start you have the better off you will be emotionally rather than playing catch up.

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