Lawyers for custody and finances

[timewilltell23]

I'll try keep this as short as possible. Basically my husband left in November for a teenager he had met 3 weeks before. We have a 3 year old and I was 7 months pregnant at the time. Ever since he has been extremely difficult, blamed me for everything, threatens me and has barely made any attempt with either of our children. He's not showed up for agreed days, goes weeks without seeing the kids, shows up stinking of drink from the night before and even missed the birth of our second daughter (he had moved his girlfriend in the week before and doesn't like her feeling uncomfortable by having any contact with me).

He's just back from a holiday and again didn't show up to see the girls. I have a lawyer and had wrote to him 2 weeks ago saying I wanted to have an agreement put in place for custody and finances. It was still my intention to to try and keep going with set days but I can't bare how upset my eldest gets when he doesn't show or get in touch.

My question is, would I be unreasonable if I stopped access until we went through lawyers? He said he isn't wasting his money and I should just allow access whenever he wants it but our 3 year old is not coping great with his lack of interest or consistency and every time I get her in a good place, he does something else to set her back. It's already difficult enough having a toddler and new born myself and I feel like he makes everything worse. I have to stress that I want him to have a relationship with the girls, my dad left when I was 3 and haven't had any involvement from him since and I want more for my daughters. The last 4 months have tried everything I can to enforce this but I don't know what else to do if he isn't interested. I just want him to be consistent and reliable.

Any help or advice would be great

[ferriswheel]

I have learned that in the lomg run it is easier for the children to get the chance to find out who they are.

By stopping the comtact i think you are shooting yourself in the foot.

[timewilltell23]

This was my original intention but my eldest struggles without a strict routine and this seems to be getting worse. It's left me so torn and undecided as to what's in both the girls best interest

[Jon66]

Is it possible to not discuss this with your child and not tell her when her dad is visiting, so when he turns up it is a nice surprise and if he doesn't she doesn't know about it. This was a good solution for me. Sadly if they aren't interested there isnt a lot you can do.

[namechangedtoday15]

I also think you open yourself up to criticism (even though it sounds like it would be reasonable) if you take a step like that. He could spin it to his advantage.
Alternatively if you keep to set dates, keep a diary when he should have contact & doesn't turn up etc, it's telling if and when it comes to trial.

[user1498854363]

Sadly Op you can make ex-h keep to a routine. What would U do if you agreed it and he still messed it up? It’s still early days, maybe he doesn’t want to see them as much now, it’s hard at their ages, he can sit and hold baby or play with 3yo, but only for short time. How long do u do contact? Do u go out? Stay in? At home? Might be hard for ex returning to family home.

In NO way am I saying you should do anything different, you clearly want what’s best for kids, and want them to have a relationship with xh, does he?

Agree maybe don’t mention it and see how it goes, it’s hard...
Glad u have legal help, get finances sorted.
Hope your doing ok with toddler and new born 😀🙌💐

[Springtrolls]

I stopped telling the dc whether he was coming or not until I got a call to say he's on the way, and then I would say guess who's on his way.
It helped because there wasn't the weekly disappointment.
Eventually, he stopped coming full stop.

[Jon66]

I remember my solicitor saying to me you can force him to take financial responsibility but you can't force him to see the children. Sometimes its best to just let it go. Are you friendly at all with his parents? It would help if the children could continue having a relationship with them, so at least contact can be maintained via a third party even if they just say 'we saw xxx this week and she is growing and looking sweet' to your ex, if you see what I mean. Just leave the door open so if he wants to step up he can.

It must be really tough, its a lot to cope with on your own, plus dealing with the split as well. Thinking of you anyway.

[timewilltell23]

Thank you all so much for your replies I really appreciate it.

I've kept a diary since the day we separated due to how much he had changed in such a short space of time. Up until he met his girlfriend I could not fault him as a Dad and he was so close with our eldest which I think has made it even worse for her.

I'm extremely close with his mum and brother who barely speak with him now due to a lot of his actions. So much so it was his mum that suggested the legal route because of his drinking and how his actions (well lack of) have been affecting our 3 year old.

Stopping contact is an absolute last resort and was never an option I wanted to even think of. I just want him to want to be part of their lives and make an effort. I've tried everything - fixed days, flexible days, time in my home with me there and not there etc but nothing is ever good enough. It's almost like he wants me to push him away and the fact I haven't has pissed him off.

[timewilltell23]

Is contact ok through a 3rd party? I had to end up blocking him on Thursday due to threats and abusive messages

[InaConfusedState]

Would your ex mum be prepared to facilitate contact if you want to go through a third party?

What I would do is write to him saying that your DD has been unsettled so you would like to give her some consistency of routine by making her available for contact weekly on Sunday Lis between 9 and 5 (or whatever day/frequency you think is sensible). If he wants to rearrange a particular Sunday, you will be willing to be flexible if he asks x days ahead.

Them stop telling your DD that he is supposed to come. Just see it as a bonus if he does. And if he doesn’t, you can show that you are not the one who has stopped contact and you have tried to facilitate it.