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Husband of 30 years walked out 4 weeks ago.

(32 Posts)
Saffy2010 Fri 16-Feb-18 10:20:56

I’m absolutely devastated. I can’t sleep or eat properly. He was the biggest part of my life. We had mutual friends, I only have a few friends if my own, he was a big extrovert character, and my whole life revolves around him and my grown up girls.
I feel so lost I may have to move out of my home, I am struggling to go to work because I feel so panicky and stressed.
I can’t see a way forward, it is so so sad.
Any advice from anyone whose been through it would be gratefully received.

OP’s posts: |
AjasLipstick Fri 16-Feb-18 10:33:42

flowers I'm so sorry to hear this....my good friend has just recently (6 months ago) gone through the same thing...her marriage was 25 years and her husband was the big character.

first of all, could you possibly see the GP and get signed off work for a while? This is enough reason....the stress of a breakup like this is like a bereavement though some people think it's even worse.

Secondly, have you spoken to/met up with your friends much?

Take each day as it comes....don't try to control your devastation at the moment as it's so fresh you are entitled to be upset as much as you want.

Do you have any financial concerns?

Saffy2010 Fri 16-Feb-18 22:09:05

Thank you for your advice

OP’s posts: |
Whatiwishfor Fri 16-Feb-18 22:36:25

I was totally devastated when my husband left me a year ago, had no idea how i was going to continue with out him. I thought he was fantastic and the centre of my world. But its been a year now and i see things very differently. Give it time you will probably begin to see things differently. Me and my kids are better of with out him. xx

AjasLipstick Sat 17-Feb-18 02:26:49

Wish yes...my friend said the other day "I am actually starting to realise that DH was a bit of a dickhead wasn't he?"

He was!

SUCH a dickhead. None of their mutual friends want to know him now...they've all sided with my mate and the dickhead is alone with his shiny new partner....but we're sure THAT won't last long as she has a drink problem and two small children. hmm

Saffy2010 Sat 17-Feb-18 02:33:01

Yes maybe I will in time it's hard at present. I hope that will be the case I'm so depressed it's upsetting one of my girls and I don't want to loose them too.
I may have to move because for half the house I can't afford ti live here. I'm frightened for the future I'm worried about keeping my job and I feel like my heart is constantly pumping. The gp has given me some antidepressants I'm hoping they will work.

OP’s posts: |
Leilaniiii Sat 17-Feb-18 02:42:15

First of all, could you possibly see the GP and get signed off work for a while?

I would think that's the last thing the OP needs. Going through this is enough without the guilt of not going to work and the isolation of being stuck at home.

OP, poor you. Is there anything that you couldn't do whilst married? Any unfulfilled ambitions? Travel? Anything like that?

Saffy2010 Sat 17-Feb-18 07:03:32

I have asked the dr to sign me off for a week , I'm trying to think of the things to do in the future. Dr has given me antidepressants.
Just in shock at present.

OP’s posts: |
AjasLipstick Sat 17-Feb-18 09:59:41

Leillani stress is actually quite dangerous and OP already feels her heart palpitating. Time off is exactly what some people need whilst others are better keeping on.

Saffy2010 Sat 17-Feb-18 12:55:28

I'm off work for a it cos it is stressful, need to recover. I'm just in shock and grief.

OP’s posts: |
BackInTheRoom Sat 17-Feb-18 21:10:36

@Saffy2010

Bless you. You're in 'Shock'. I was prescribed anti anxiety meds when my husband dumped me out of the blue and they helped me. Do you think you'd benefit from anti anxiety meds?

I couldn't go to work. I was traumatised.

hesterton Sat 17-Feb-18 21:16:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Newlifeisstarting Sat 17-Feb-18 21:22:49

This was me 18 months ago, 25 years of marriage over with no warning. It does get better. I took antidepressants - they’ve helped. I then moved to France - always wanted to go back. Things aren’t easy, but they are better. I have a new and very small circle of friends, and I have started to see my ex for what he was, selfish and a man child...

Do some things for you when the shock starts to wear off. But the thing that helped me enourmously was this site and the reccomendations/advice/kind words - that got me through a lot of the worst days.

Saffy2010 Sat 17-Feb-18 22:04:08

Thank you for your kind words and advice, it really helps to hear from people who have been through it and though I'm still in it, im trying to see a light at the end of the tunnel. X

OP’s posts: |
Lonelycrab Sat 17-Feb-18 23:38:03

Hey Saffy hang in there. Three weeks ago I was feeling exactly like you, it was twelve years for me but she just put them in the bin and took my son from me. I was broken completely, didn’t sleep and had to force feed myself. Getting back to work was helpful but I needed some time to pick myself off the floor. Once you get some good rest and start eating will look at the situation more clearly. Being so run down makes everything worse still.
Not much help I’m sorry but the light will appear at the end of the tunnel. I think I’ve just spotted mine, but it’s stll a long, long way off.flowers

BackInTheRoom Sun 18-Feb-18 09:41:05

Morning @Saffy2010 😊

How are you feeling today?

Saffy2010 Sun 18-Feb-18 11:01:17

Hi @bibbidee
I'm feeling a little bit better today. I've taken the antidepressant and it has worked a little already. It helped me sleep.
How are you feeling now, have you managed to move on?

OP’s posts: |
BackInTheRoom Sun 18-Feb-18 11:37:45

In all honest, no, not yet. I tried two counsellors and now on my 3rd and she is absolutely frickin fantastic!

I've learned I'm codependent and I unfortunately chose a Covert/Introvert Narcissist for a DH. I didn't notice the stages eg 'Love Bombing' Devaluation' 'Discard' because I didn't recognise I was with a Narc and because I was looking after our poorly DC. When I realised it, last week after 20 years together, it all made sense. Now I'm just coming to terms with my new reality...

WellWhoKnew Sun 18-Feb-18 12:12:54

I survived. I thought the pain would never end. It changes you for sure, and I wouldn't wish the experience on anyone.

At first you feel like everyone is laughing or pitying you, but actually losing a big character from you life, and twats are always big characters, makes room for for you to grow and flourish.

However, it takes a long time. I became friends with a group of women who had experienced similar. Three years on, we are all hitting our strides, and the "big characters" are feeling sorry for themselves. It's quite fascinating how things are turning out.

I set up a business, made huge lifestyle changes, and got myself a contact book of friends. I talked to a lot of women who'd been through similar.

The darkest days are dark. You think you'll never laugh again. Time moves on agonisingly slowly. You stop sleeping and stop eating.

Then the depression hits. Usually around four to six months after they left, then you have truly arrived in hell.

Then you start to claw your way out. To add insult to injury, even your finger nails get ravished by this!

Would I have him back? No fucking way. I learnt I am clever, funny and likeable in my own right.

When I look back now, I realise all I'd really lost was a loser.

Saffy2010 Mon 19-Feb-18 08:09:58

@wellwhoknew @bibbidee
How did you meet people who had been through similar experiences, are there support groups or something like that?
I'm 5 weeks into it and I'm very depressed now, I'm off work cos I can't face it and like you say feel humiliated by the pity and the people laughing at me.
I just don't know how to heal. What is a codependent? I wonder if this is me too?

OP’s posts: |
Namethecat Mon 19-Feb-18 08:22:56

People won't laugh at you. One day in the future, people will laugh with you. You will get over this and be able to laugh again. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. You say you have a few friends, force yourself to contact them and go for a coffee as getting out of the house for a few hours will do you good. Your ex should still be helping with the mortgage as its his as well, he doesn't get to leave that responsibility. Because you have been married a fair time I'm going to make the assumption you might not have many years to go until it's paid off , so don't let the payments slip. I'll not lie - Life will be different now, but in time, you could make it a better one.

Fosterdog123 Mon 19-Feb-18 08:25:00

I'm pretty certain no one is laughing at you or pitying you. If anything, they'll be sympathetic towards you and feel pity towards your husband and the shoddy way in which he's behaved. I'm so sorry he's done this to you. Do you have any plans for today?

Saffy2010 Mon 19-Feb-18 18:31:48

Thank you for your kindness and advice x

OP’s posts: |
BackInTheRoom Mon 19-Feb-18 19:39:25

How did you meet people who had been through similar experiences, are there support groups or something like that?

I haven't met anybody that went through 'Spousal Abandonment' in rl. To find the answers and support I trawled the Internet. 

Here are some links I found helpful: 

Lisa Arends wrote a book about it and she's on Facebook:

https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/i-feel-alone-divorce/

Vicky Stark has also written a book about it:

https://www.runawayhusbands.com

Chumplady is good regarding Infidelity but I don't know if your partner has cheated? She's also written a book:

https://www.chumplady.com

I'm 5 weeks into it and I'm very depressed now

Yes perfectly understandable. Have a look at The Change Curve:

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me-we/201406/the-7-stages-grieving-breakup%3famp

I'm off work cos I can't face it

It's good you're off work and maybe you could use this time to plan little walks and be outside in nature? 

....and like you say feel humiliated by the pity and the people laughing at me.

Why do you think people are laughing at you? Marriages end all the time, have you seen how hight the statistics are?

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/the-nine-most-common-reasons-couples-get-divorce-a6875356.html%3famp

 
I just don't know how to heal.

Slowly, in your own time, read the above. 

What is a codependent?

There is a lot of info on the net about it but here's a link to get you started:

https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship

I wonder if this is me too?

Who knows but knowledge is power. I'm a codependent but I'm also a work in progress....

These links might help you work out what went wrong?

John Gottman, his credentials:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/JohnGottmann__

One of his many books:

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail_ https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0747593604/ref=cmm_swrr_cpapii_-tYIAb1XD1FEH

The 4 Horsemen of The Apocalypse:
 
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

I hope this helps smile

WellWhoKnew Mon 19-Feb-18 20:48:59

Hello! Runaway husbands was the only self-help book that helped me so I definitely recommend that.

As for others - it started here. Like you, I set up a thread. It gained a following when another woman read my thread who was encouraged to start her own thread...and others joined in...

At the same time, another woman set up a thread, and I eventually went to court with her. We still celebrate life successes with pineapples (in joke!).

I'd warn you that this isn't particularly safe though - meeting strangers on the web! One of our little group was a troll - and pretended that a real family was hers. Caused a bit of hurt at the time when it all came out!

As for the pain and the heartache of it - nothing but time takes it away. Even when I laughed, I was crying inside. The only thing I wish I'd understood better at the time was not to internalise it. He left for his reasons. He was cowardly about it. He behaved incredibly cruelly in the divorce.

That's him. That's not me. I did not "make him" do what he did. I am not responsible for him.

But I'm me. And "losing" him, meant I got to find me. And I'm quite okay with that.

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