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Do you speak to your children when they're with Ex?

(16 Posts)
Vanillarose Tue 13-Feb-18 14:02:35

Just that really. When your Ex has the children, do you speak to them often/at all? It's my first time without them and Ex isn't answering requests for me to hear from them - they are young (5 and 3). Trying to get an idea of what's normal. I know I make an effort to send him messages/photos of them when I've got them.

BrieMode Tue 13-Feb-18 14:13:26

My DC are 7 & 9 and go with their dad Friday afternoon until Sunday afternoon and I have no contact with them all weekend. They have been going to their dad since they were 4 & 2. I did text ex to see how they were but I don't anymore.

Vanillarose Tue 13-Feb-18 14:15:52

Why is that? Did he just not answer? Or did you decide not to do it?

cowatthegate Tue 13-Feb-18 14:25:04

I don't and DS is now 2 and a bit, been going to him alone since birth. Hate him though so maybe that's why!

MrsBertBibby Tue 13-Feb-18 15:51:34

No, never have done apart from whn he has been away for a week with him. Separated when he was 18m he is now 14. He texts me sometimes to ask for stuff.

My partner's boys don't call their mum either, except on long stays, and a few times when they were little and asked. Obviously there was no issue about them calling but I don't think it's great for kids settling in one household to keep getting calls from the other.

Thebluedog Tue 13-Feb-18 15:59:26

My ex has the dc eow, picks them up from school Friday and beings them home Sunday. No I don’t speak to them. That said if I wanted to my ex wouldn’t stop me. Your ex is bu by blocking you, it’s out of order and I’d be having words in your shoes

waterSpider Tue 13-Feb-18 16:46:47

As others have said, such contact is best kept to a minimum as it can be disruptive. But having zero contact as some kind of policy isn't helpful either.

sothisisnew Tue 13-Feb-18 16:46:50

My experience of my DP's ex calling while the DC are with him are that it's quite a negative experience for everyone! She tends to use Facetime to check up on him/generally undermine him ('did daddy give you breakfast?', 'has daddy been with you the whole time?', etc) which make them really confused and make him feel rubbish- though I guess the latter is the point.

I'd say if the children ask to speak to you then of course your ex should let them, but don't just call because you miss them. It should also help to get the ex on side by saying that you won't suggest it (unless it's for a longer holiday, fair enough) but you'd appreciate it if he can help them to feel secure enough to tell him that they want to speak to you. You can then do the same when they're with you and might want to speak to their daddy

BrieMode Tue 13-Feb-18 17:23:11

For us it got the point where it just felt like I was checking up and not trusting him. He doesn't contact DC through the week. The only time we would have contact outside our times is if one of the children had an appointment or such.

Whatiwishfor Tue 13-Feb-18 23:20:24

My children are 3 and 4. They are at present half way through a weeks stay with their dad and his girlfriend. This is the second time they have stayed a week, well 8 days. I know full well that he would ignore me if i asked to speak to the children. I have no choice but to just get on with my week along. I wonder if the children are missing me, my daughter said my son was crying for me last time, hes only 3, but i know my stbxh wouldn't tell me or allow them to speak to me. Its tough but just the way it is.

wobytide Wed 14-Feb-18 00:23:51

Yes. They're our children so if I or they want to speak to each other we can. At young ages a lot happens each week, I like to know what they've done even if it's only a few minutes

Sanch1 Wed 14-Feb-18 22:12:49

No I don't. I decided not to so as not to confuse or upset them, if they are with him they are with him. They are 1 and 4. He sometimes sends me a photo of them but not always. It's only two days not two months.

Newnaime Wed 14-Feb-18 22:15:26

I update ex on DD constantly. I really doubt he cares and I never get much in response but I just like to keep him in the loop.
He has no choice in keeping me updated as I pester him when DD is with him. I know it probably annoys him but I couldn't care less.
(She's 18 months)

periwinkleshell Thu 15-Feb-18 09:37:42

I do. My children can speak to their daddy whenever they like - I encourage them to FaceTime him when they ask outside of our prearranged days.
Likewise, I expect him to do the same. We had a massive row recently when he wouldn't allow them to call me, and now he does. I don't call to check up though - I'm very careful to only ask about their day having fun etc.

CaptainM Sun 18-Feb-18 11:28:02

My dcs are with their dad every other week from Wed school pick-up till Monday drop-off. I skype with them on the Friday before bedtime. They skype with him on the Mon & Fri evening when with me. Basically, they have 10 min skype calls every Mon & Fri. It works really well and they've never complained. When he's on Skype with them, it gives me 10 mins to get everything ready for bedtime. Works for us even though ex and I only communicate via emails/text messages on all children matters. We got the agreement built into our court order, by the way.

Hithere1981 Sun 18-Feb-18 17:14:55

And vice versa
Very amicable divorce
The children see us as a family unit, which we still are albeit not in the traditional sense!

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