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End of the road?

(7 Posts)
bem19 Sat 10-Feb-18 20:27:42

This could be a very long story but I will summarise. We have been here before - breaking up over my husband’s possessiveness and resulting silent treatment for up to a week. However, I put up with it as he has always been a great dad and our two daughters had a great relationship. HOWEVER, now girls are older he does the same to them with the manipulative comments and stone walking them, most recently with Our 16 year old as she is starting to socialise with friends more.

We had an explosive row and I told him I was leaving and girls were coming with me and he said “no, easier for me to go and find somewhere...” I told him he didn’t need to go that night etc

My 16 year old was very happy, asked me if we could afford our own home etc (which we can). my older (21) year old was like “you were splitting up years ago, I’ve heard it all before and anyway you can’t leave him on his own, he is nearly 70....” He is 15 years older than me.

Anyway, The day after Big row, he came home early from work, we talked and he said he didn’t want to split up “I don’t want to be sitting in a one bed flat on my own...” and he apologised for being unreasonable (row was about me being out with my friend for her birthday, going back to her house and coming home at 3am - nothing untoward, we had some drinks with her husband and kids and a laugh, lovely family, made me think this could never happen in my home!). Anyway, my 16 year old due to go away with school 2 weeks from this and I didn’t want upset so I just said “ok, let’s see how it goes”.

My 16 year old was very cross when she came home to hear we were “trying” to work it out. The anger from her towards me was so upsetting.

I have been in touch with my GP and relate regarding counselling but have not discussed with husband yet as didn’t want to cause any more arguments until my daughter went away and she went today.

I discussed all with a friend who went through a split and relationship counselling (they ended up splitting) and she said one thing they will ask you is “when did you last have fun together” - I couldn’t answer that and my daughter said to me “you are staying with him out of pity because of his age, you only get one life mum...”

We live like “friends”, haven’t had sex for 6 years and don’t even cuddle/kiss but it’s not that I even feel I want another partner but we have totally different interests and he doesn’t really have any friends, just his cousins and then he gets the hump if I see my friends.

Do I stay with him so he isn’t on his own or leave him so I and Our daughters can enjoy life without treading on egg shells and being given silent treatment - my girls have said they will leave home ASAP because of him.

OP’s posts: |
Penfold007 Sat 10-Feb-18 20:40:59

DD21 was spot on and DD16 has every right to be upset and disappointed. Have you considered counselling on your own to help you decide if you want to leave him? Your DDs deserve better.

thingywotsit Sat 10-Feb-18 20:55:05

I lived through the uncertainty of my parents splitting throughout out my teens and early twenties. I had a father who felt it was his right to dictate the 'rules' associated with being his child. On several occasions my mum made noises about leaving. Taking us away to somewhere where we wouldn't live in fear of moods.

It never happened, for so many years I waited for the 'rescue'. To prevent the bully from tormenting us. In the end I left, and have always resented that fact that she was too weak, too scared, too everything to make leap and leave.

I'm a stronger person, I'm resilient but my older sibling did not fair so well.

If you have it your power to leave and give your daughters a chance of peace - do it. It doesn't mean they will not have a relationship with their father, just that his perceived power will diminish and he will have to earn the right to have a relationship with his children rather than us it as a tool for manipulation.

RandomMess Sat 10-Feb-18 20:57:58

I think your DC have made it clear that it is far worse than you think, you need to leave!

bem19 Sun 11-Feb-18 18:42:06

Thank you all, so helpful and especially thingywotsit - your experience is so enlightening/eye opening and my 21 year old wants to leave as soon as she has enough savings and youngest has said the same and, even today, after all that has happened and can't tell him Our 16 year old has a lovely "boyfriend" and I have been to his house and met his family but still can't tell him or have the boy round here - he says "no boyfriends until 18, after A levels" He actually thinks all is fine now, but I have been in touch with a family counselling service but holding off discussing with him as we have a "family" do (on his side) in 3 weeks and don't want to let him down. I think my mind is made up, feel it's a bit late but better late than never, I want my girls to spread their wings but not because their home atmosphere is dysfunctional!

Thank you again, this has been v helpful xxx

OP’s posts: |
Whatiwishfor Mon 12-Feb-18 09:28:10

My stbxh is like this but my children r only 3 and 4. Hes very controlling and dictating and we all seamed to live our lives around him and him being priority!! He used to dictate how much milk they drunk as babies, if we put cream on my daughters bad eczema or not etc etc. I didn't really notice it because in other areas i thought he was a doting father but since he left hes become a lot lot worse. I realise how dysfunctional we were as a family and what a bully he was. I'm so so relieved that hes input into our family life is now minimal and my children get to see a "normal happy house hold"
Listen to your children, they wont be saying this lightly!!

bem19 Wed 14-Feb-18 15:26:29

whatiwishfor - you summed it up, but while my girls were young, he was all fine with them, it's only me that had to tread the eggshells, but now all 3 of us are; I was leaving before, wish I had, but things were always more or less fine with him and the girls, so I could put on my smile and got with it, but feel guilty now, but the girls can see what he is like for themselves and now I need to put a stop to it! I am getting logistics in place, booked a counselling session for after 17th March (family do), but I can't see us staying together, but prepared to do the counselling if he wants to, I feel it will produce a more amicable break up with a counsellor involved. He asked about going out this evening for Valentines and I said "but you never want to as all restaurants are crowded", and he just looked at me puzzled! Will update in a few weeks, dreading it, as I do love his kids from his first marriage and get on great with them and the 7 grandkids, so not sure how that will go, will be very sad if they don't want contact, but hope they will keep contact with our two DDs....

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