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How on earth can you quantify 50/50 care

(28 Posts)
samesh1tdifferentday Wed 07-Feb-18 05:14:29

My exh is still aiming at 50/50 care and I knew this day would come my youngest ds burning up with temp and due to his dads later today do I keep him home in the family home with me where I'll be alone tonight and tuck him up or as Dad will probably request send him to his where there will be 5 other children to catch his germs☹️

samesh1tdifferentday Wed 07-Feb-18 05:15:25

I'm happy to ask my son I guess but he's only 6 he's going to need paracetamol day and night

samesh1tdifferentday Wed 07-Feb-18 05:20:28

"Accept – then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it."-E.Tolle

ChangingStates Wed 07-Feb-18 05:27:59

Just started a 50/50 separation and have wondered what I would do in this situation. I think if I was able to stay at home with the sick child, in terms of work commitments, I would call exh and suggest that child stays with me for another day/night. Are you and ex able to communicate ok with each other?

SD1978 Wed 07-Feb-18 05:36:57

If it’s court ordered and you don’t have a good relationship, then he still needs to go. If you do have an ok relationship with him, and would be able to take time off easier than your ex, then you could discuss it with himself 50/50 means that you both deal with the good and the bad.

samesh1tdifferentday Wed 07-Feb-18 05:38:13

We don't speak at all in fact he's still point scoring I think for both his ego and maintenance but he is a good dad. I've just asked little soldier he said he wants to go☹️which I guess means he's happy there so must find positives here

samesh1tdifferentday Wed 07-Feb-18 05:40:25

I'm glad you said that as I keep considering court order but you've just demonstrated how UNFLEXIBLE that would be and we know that's impossible with children so maybe I will still cross my fingers that time is a healer an exh will calm down OR need my help?

samesh1tdifferentday Wed 07-Feb-18 05:41:51

We both have today off in theory as he works outside and there is snow, I have had to change an appointment that's all so it looks like we literally will be doing 50:50 today......

samesh1tdifferentday Wed 07-Feb-18 05:42:53

I just find the term 50:50 strange I always feel like we are talking of chopping the children in half 🤪I guess it relates to time and not the actual children

SD1978 Wed 07-Feb-18 05:48:00

I have done 50/50 since she was 10minths old. Sick or well. It sucks and I hate it, because I assume as the Mum I have the ‘right’ and are better to deal with her when she’s sick or vulnerable, but the simple answer is that he is her dad and has as much ‘right’ as I do and loves her and can deal with sickness. It’s the biggest part I hate, but I hope he’d bring her back if she wanted to - which means I would also hope that I’d contact him if that is what she wanted when she was sick. It’s tough.

samesh1tdifferentday Wed 07-Feb-18 08:38:28

Yes it is but my boy seems excited to get daddy on his own today for a bit

samesh1tdifferentday Wed 07-Feb-18 08:40:41

Do you mind me ask how you share finances as I struggle to know what's best, I do not even know if he's earning more than me at the moment( I know it doesn't matter but I believe that the finances too should be relative in that if he is unable to earn them I can, I'm happy to balance this) so that they all have what they need at BOTH homes.
Unfortunately our communication is not good enough for this

SD1978 Wed 07-Feb-18 09:43:54

I receive nothing- never have and have always paid for nursery- he actually went half in’s chool uniforms voluntarily which almost had me asking for a psych assessment as he’s tight with money- one of the reasons now EXH.......: 😁 I am fortunate that I work permanent night shift- 3 nights a week so to be honest I couldn’t be arsed fighting about the money- would have made an already acrimonious situation worse. It’s taken 4 years to become polite- his choice. I view seperated parents like business partners. You don’t need to like each other, but ‘the product, (child) is the focus. Working on the assumption you both want the product to succeed, you have to accept that whilst they won’t always do things the way you want, they have the best interests of the product at heart, and want it succeed to the best of their ability. It’s worked for me. A permanent night job means I earn an ok wage and can support my half of the week without relying on him, so any financial contribution is a bonus not a necessity and appreciated but not going to make a difference. It’s hard. I hate not having the little one- but he feels the same and I keep busy by working the whole time she’s not home or sleeping. 50/50 gives me a better earning capability, and I believe they both deserve to have the same relationship that she and I have, with the same time with each parent. It took us both to make her, it will take us both to raise her.

samesh1tdifferentday Wed 07-Feb-18 10:38:40

SD1978 THANKYOU that really helps I am coming round to this way of thinking too and yes it is hard but think I'm getting there with it all I've just gone back to university after the split so this is keeping me focused too,
Boring question but did your ex go for CB ir tax credits as I think mine will do that too x

samesh1tdifferentday Wed 07-Feb-18 10:41:14

I'm just trying to plan my finances and see if it works with me at uni

SD1978 Wed 07-Feb-18 11:30:51

Yup, he did. As irritating as it was given he paid nothing, but he is entitled to the same financial government support as I am, so couldn’t really object. Have you gone through CMS? It’s easier making it official, then you can chose to peruse it if you need to and he chooses not to pay. I said it had to be done officially for him to be able to claim the tax credits. Saves the all you want is money argument as I lodged both the tax credit and CMS at the same time.

SD1978 Wed 07-Feb-18 11:31:18

And good luck. The situation gets easier, even if dealing with the individual never does xx

samesh1tdifferentday Wed 07-Feb-18 11:34:26

I didn't think CMS did anything now

samesh1tdifferentday Wed 07-Feb-18 11:35:29

I'm not sure I know what you mean by logging it

samesh1tdifferentday Wed 07-Feb-18 11:47:01

Also does your daughter have to into childcare whilst you both work? Sorry picking your experienced brain

SD1978 Wed 07-Feb-18 13:51:17

It worked for me that she goes to his Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I pick her up after school Thursday. He picks her up from school Monday afternoon. Because we did 50/50 she was never in daycare- he would be off when he had her as he is a shift worker also. Now she’s at school, it’s easier again- basically no contact is required which I prefer. If you are living separately and you are currently paying everything for the children, I don’t see why you wouldn’t be entitled to child support. Although admittedly I’m an expat currently in australia, so not up on British side of things. Is he currently paying anything for the kids? If you have a private arrangement that is working though, you can check with the CMS if it’s wnough, but you’d need to know his wage for the estimate. I know lots of people balk at 50/50 and claim it destroys the kids and as a mother how could you, but fortunately for us. It worked. But we have a laid back kid who has never known differently, and has never been out in the middle, or had either parent put down the other one, or act sad that she is going to her other home.

samesh1tdifferentday Wed 07-Feb-18 15:00:41

Brilliant I hope it works and I can make it so by being positive as you are!
We kind of have our own belongings at each house, share uniform and currently go halves on school trips etc.
I don't know his earnings at the moment but will know in April is he has to file his accounts publicly that's all I can go by of course he can hide cash.
I'm hoping to not rely on him even if he try's and takes the cb etc..... that's what I'm preparing for x thanks for your time in this it has helped and you are the FIRST person that hasn't suggested all I want is money! I want what is fair all round

Whatiwishfor Wed 07-Feb-18 19:26:30

I dont think thats correct about the court order, as in making a child go to the other parents house even though their sick?? I have a court order and a residency order, they live with me and visit their father a few times a week. If one of them is sick im not expected to make them go. I came across this issue after my son had had an operation my solicitor make it clear to my stbxh that if the children were ill they didn't need to go as it wasnt in their best interest. Because of this it wasnt breaking the court order. x

samesh1tdifferentday Wed 07-Feb-18 19:53:48

Oh it's so confusing luckily he wanted to go xxx I don't know what would have happened if not I guess I need to be strong and say no as there is no court order

Whatiwishfor Wed 07-Feb-18 21:15:24

Omg it's so flipping hard isn't it!! The courts are only interested in what's in the best interest of the child, so if you keep to that you carnt go far wrong.!

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