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Am I in the wrong? Please help

(10 Posts)
Hayz1505 Sun 04-Feb-18 22:44:27

My husband and I are constantly either not talking to each other or generally not getting on. We have been together for 20 years and have 4 wonderful children, both work full time and live well. Lately he has just been so nasty to me all I want to do is cry, if he isn't moaning that I haven't cooked him a dinner or washed and ironed his clothes, he is making snide remarks about other things. I don't have any social life, other than going to the gym occasionally with my mum, who he hates and regularly tells me, but I feel like I can't take it anymore. He makes more money than I do, but I work full time, my youngest DS is 5 years old and eldest 13, I have to also run a household, ensure all homework is complete and balance everything, including money. I feel all I do is cry to my mum about how hard my life is (with him, not the children they are a blessing), my family have even said they won't be near me when he is around, and have noticed that I'm very withdrawn. He can seem to be so aggressive (but has never laid a finger on my or my children), and as a result when the children are sleeping. And everything is prepared all I want to do is go to sleep and cry. I have tried and tried to talk to him about how he makes me feel but he dismisses it, or says sorry then an hour later is having a go about something else I have done wrong. He is under pressure at work but I don't know what to do anymore? Am I the reason he is being like this to me, am I complaining too much and not doing everything I should be? I thought a relationship was supposed to be a partnership, but it's always me, and I'm always the one to blame, I feel so lonely and trapped and I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice would be greatly appreciated thank you

MrsBertBibby Mon 05-Feb-18 09:09:08

He is a twat. Even if you didn't work full time, he should do his share of the household chores. You aren't his bloody skivvy. You should both be cleaning up after yourselves.

If I were treated like this I'd be out the door.

squishy Mon 05-Feb-18 10:46:58

My ex was similar - but didn't work. Lonely and trapped; he doesn't want to listen - my only advice is get some counselling/support and work out how you can get out of this situation

HalfMyLife Mon 05-Feb-18 13:14:08

i spent 20 years with a man like this. We separated last April (his decision in the end as he'd met someone else).

I can honestly say, it's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. Don't get me wrong - being a single parent, and working full time is exhausting - but not having a man-child to look after too is such a relief. I'm happier than i have been for years.

You are most definitely not to blame for him treating you like this - you're right, it should be a partnership, and when it's not it's soul-destroying.

Good luck with whatever you decide
xx

Hayz1505 Tue 06-Feb-18 19:29:37

Thank you all xx

scotgal2017 Tue 06-Feb-18 20:09:37

i spent 20 years with a man like this. We separated last April (his decision in the end as he'd met someone else).

I can honestly say, it's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. Don't get me wrong - being a single parent, and working full time is exhausting - but not having a man-child to look after too is such a relief. I'm happier than i have been for years.

You are most definitely not to blame for him treating you like this - you're right, it should be a partnership, and when it's not it's soul-destroying.

Good luck with whatever you decide
xx

THIS - exact same except Im a SAHM and he worked away 3-5 weeks at a time so i was basically a single parent anyway!1 His choice and he said "he didn't want to work on it as we cant be fixed".... OW crawls out of woodwork about 4 months later.....6 months in and its amazing how I didnt realise how much of a selfish man-child he really was! Was married 17 years and together 20, 2 DCs.

HalfMyLife Wed 07-Feb-18 09:49:07

@scotgal2017 - flowers for you and your DC. We were also married 17 years and together 20 with 2 DCs. Can't wait to be divorced!!!

Shadow666 Wed 07-Feb-18 09:51:49

It sounds so miserable. Have you thought about the practicalities of separating? I think you'd feel a lot happierbif you did.

Wallywobbles Wed 07-Feb-18 10:48:00

Information is empowering. And will limit his power over you.

If possible find some friends/contacts that divorced well. Ask them for lawyer recommendations.

Get appointments with recommended lawyers. 2 reasons for this. It's important to find a lawyer you can work with. I got lucky with no 4. The other reason is if you've seen them he can't use them.

While waiting for appointments get all your and his financial information together:
Tax returns
Bank accounts
Salary slips
Savings accounts
Investments
Life insurance
Pensions
Mortgages
Debts
Assets
Get the house valued

This will enable a lawyer to tell you what you might reasonably receive.

Divorce for unreasonable behavior as cited in your op.

50:50 childcare is normal but sounds unlikely. There are sites like entitledto that will tell you what you might be entitled to from the state. There are also maintenance calculators.

Write 2 lists in terms of kids, house, cars, maintenance etc:
What you'd like (copy to lawyer)
What you'd accept (private)

Do not tell him what you are doing. Just get on with it quietly. The more of a head start you have the better of you will be.

Pidlan Wed 07-Feb-18 10:50:17

Let me tell you this. When you split up with him, the feeling of lightness will be bloody amazing. He's not good enough for you, and I think you know that. Good luck x

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