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I feel apathetic about him

(9 Posts)
pinkpeter Sat 03-Feb-18 21:18:06

I'm trying to decide whether or not to separate. I don't want to give up on the marriage but I feel like it has run its course and we should split before we really start to hate each other. Background: married for 12 years, two young dc. We barely speak. We've been to marriage guidance before and after our 6 year old was born. Nothing ever seems to get resolved. I've gone past the sobbing and I wish he were dead phase, I did that for about 5 years. Now I just get very angry whenever we fall out and he is the same. We have nothing in common, we demonstrate a very dysfunctional relationship to the kids and I feel much kore relaxed when he isn't here, which is often as he works a lot.

I want to separate to see if we can build our relationship back up again as friends and then maybe we can get close again and forgive each other. We both hold resentments against each other, (not infidelity) but issues with his other kids and no sex for quite a while and his general lack of interest in family life and me.

I have financial worries about how we'd cope on just one wage, but I think we'd get by. We may not be able to afford the house though, so I fear moving for the kids sake.

I want to separate before we blow up and it all goes to pot rather than be able to talk things through and plan. He fears financial ruin rather than the end of the relationship and family.

UterusTrigger Sat 03-Feb-18 22:53:59

The more I read, the more I think there's a 12 year itch. I'm in a similar position, 12 years in and I don't want to get to 13, I'm out.

It sounds like you're already sure you need to separate? Have you talked to him about separating? I've tried but he didn't want to hmm but I need to raise it again because I constantly feel like words are just going to fall out of my mouth like I WANT TO GET UNMARRIED RIGHT NOW

pinkpeter Sun 04-Feb-18 08:10:35

Hi uterustrigger,
Thing is, I have felt like this for years, but I wanted to stay for the kids. Now I think it is more damaging for them if we stay together. They see such an unloving and distinction all relationship that will damage them more. Things aren't so bad now that we are rowing and rowing, we've gone past that. We haven't spoken for about 4 days apart from about necessary things.
We barely say hi and bye.

CaMePlaitPas Sun 04-Feb-18 08:24:39

You should never stay "just for the kids" - the kids need happy parents and a happy home life. The kids will notice that their parents don't get on and will pick up on their hostility, which may later result in behavioural issues such as aggression or anxiety. OP, it's really not worth staying if you've given it your best shot. Don't worry about finances, somehow things always work out. If you don't want to stay married you must tell him, but don't expect an emotional reunion as friends. It may happen but be prepared for him and you to move on. Good luck.

pinkpeter Sun 04-Feb-18 13:02:50

Thank you. In an ideal world I would want to separate, learn to like each other again, work on our issues and get back together again but I'm probably dreaming that that would ever happen.

newstart18 Tue 06-Feb-18 00:21:05

in a similar situation, worn down over the years with long periods of silence from husband, control over money, fell out of love with him due to constant belittling and I put my time and energy into the children, friends and work. all came to a head in October when, after me replacing a broken phone with a new one, he went mad, called me lots of names about how stupid i was etc, and that he would not go on family holiday with me and kids as planned, its their first time away, so after the 2nd time him telling me he wouldn;t go, i booked it for me and kids without him. I am sick of being treated like a muppet in my own home, i have a good career and lots of lovely supportive friends, confused by why my own husband seemed to hate me on sight.
I have complicated matters by getting a bit too friendly with someone else and told my husband when it all kicked off, to emphasie the point that we were passed repair and this was a symptom of that not a cause, it wasn't physical just flirty messages.
Husband had a breakdown and is now on anti depressants. up and down a lot, reasonable one minute as he recognised his behaviour in counselling sessions, how hes treated me etc, then its all my fault, I have wrecked the family and im a selfish B*, because I didnlt give him another chance in october. my point being I have given him a load of chances for years to change his behaviour and go no where to this point where I dont want to try any more.
now has a massive issue with the holiday, its cost £1400 for 4 of us, I dont think thats flashy trip, and has threatened to block me taking the girls away, and shouted abuse at me, wishing i was dead, in front of the kids last weekend, who were all in tears afterwards
I totally appreciate hes not well, but I cant have the kids seeing more of that and with such aggression that I am actually scared of him.( he has never been violent)
I also accept my part in all of this, when is a right time to decide enough is enough, should I have done it sooner, should I have tried harder, when everytime I did ask if he needed help, was he depressed etc I got blanked or told to f off, I am not the most responsible person when it comes to money, as in I like to buy things for kids and other people, I likely socialise too much, I work too much when kids gone to bed. this was largely due in my opinion, from total lack of anything coming from my husband, resulting,i know its unacceptable, with me finding attention elsewhere.
tonight i had an apology for last weeks rant and told I should go on the holiday, swiftly followed by an hour of telling me how bad i am at everything, selfish, irresponsible, and ended with him saying he still wants me to cancel the trip. he refused to go and when we split in october I still invited him to come along even though we wouldnt be together.
It seems we are stuck in this cycle. Should I cancel the trip and likley lose money due to it being budget airline, or should I go as the kids are really looking forward to it and its for them.
I feel like even if i do cancel or postpone it wont make things any easier just makes me still feel powerless and letting the kids down again.
we still live in same house which is awful.
I really worry for the children, I did this so they would have two happy parents living seperately and not the awful tension we had before, and now its just like limbo for us all, as he decided we needed to tell them after xmas, which i am so sorry I didn't standup to him then and say not now, he also walked out on xmas eve for 3 days, no idea where he went but was terrified he would do himself harm, kids were devastated also.

its such a mess. I am now telling all my friends to work at their marriages as, although i hope its not forever, this is an awful place to be.

pinkpeter Tue 06-Feb-18 07:32:49

New start, it sounds like you should have a new start. All that stuff in front of the kids is just not acceptable. That is what made me think it's over. I can't control myself in front of the them anymore. I don't shout and scream I comment, yes, that's very nice to say in front of the children, brilliant relationship modelling. In a sarcastic voice, which is probably just as bad.

You should def go on the holiday. Don't punish yourself and the kids as well as him punishing you. Go and have a great time.

My dh is going to discuss stuff on Thursday evening. I've been waiting three weeks for him to come back to me after our last discussion. Since then I've been going divorce, separation options as well as rental houses. And thinking can I bear to leave this house and take the kids away from it when things are not atrocious, just boring, and I can barely stand the sight of him. We've gone through so much, I feel like I've blanked off my emotions.

newstart18 Tue 06-Feb-18 22:11:13

Thanks PinkPeter, its so hard to know whats right or wrong, but just make the best decision you can to be happy, we only live once and sadly you never know for how long, I just dont want to get to 50 and think what have I done that by then the kids will be making their own way and what would we have, 10 more years of resentment and hassle.

Hope all goes ok on Thursday. I think i have shut down too, I cry a lot but never with him until last night.

pinkpeter Thu 08-Feb-18 20:51:14

So, we've had THE chat and decided to separate. No discussion of divorce yet
I kept my cool mostly and he did mostly.

He basically thinks he's worse off as he's having to move out. I asked him if he really wanted to put the kids through moving out and how fair that would be.

So, I think it's done. Be interesting to see what happens next. I feel slightly relieved and more worried at the same time.

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