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Does It Get Better Thread 2

(77 Posts)
scotgal2017 Fri 02-Feb-18 18:26:48

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3009364-Does-it-get-better?pg=40

Can't post anymore on orginal thread so started a new one!!

scotgal2017 Fri 02-Feb-18 18:59:58

Well the DCs have gone off with STBXH about 4 hours ago.....of course who is the person my phone decides to pocket dial on the way back inside the house??? I get a message about calling, said it was a pocket dial.Then the question about whether the water bill for my house comes out of my account. FFS, do you know anything?? I just said "No idea". he then said, "oh cos they have taken 2 lots out of my bank, do you know how much your last water bill was?" I replied "No". You're not getting my help!! Check it out for yourself like I would have to!! You still have access to both accounts like i do, and you were the one who told me to go with the landlady to the water office to make sure it came out of the new joint account (now his account only) at the start of last year!! Take your head out of your ass and pay attention!! Might seem petty but I'm sick of being his secretary.....maybe he can move OW in and she can do it for him!!

Rant over sorry lol!! Now having a pizza and beer before a long hot shower! Have a good evening and don't let them bring you down!!!

JooMooMies Sat 03-Feb-18 10:38:51

Struggling today :/ suddenly hit me it’s his bday next week (typically the only day I have off so can’t avoid it with work excuses), then valentines the week after & in a few weeks we were s’posed to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary & instead he’s looking for somewhere else to live :/
Am not looking forward to the barrage of cards/greetings from fam & friends that don’t know that we’re separating yet (he’s not told any of his lot) and I think I’m just feeling pretty sad today which is frustrating cos I’ve been so positive/focused recently >sigh< It’ll pass I know, but will be a lonnnng few weeks me thinks! Have a good weekend lovelies xx

Lonelycrab Sat 03-Feb-18 11:10:34

Pretty down there myself today. Partner decided there was no future for us any more a few days ago after 12 years together. She decided that I would never be able to provide and that I was frankly a bit of a loser. But the sad thing is we’d done actually really quite well compared to many.
She’s taken ds with her and I’m feeling lost. I have so much resentment towards her as I’d done what I thought was a reasonable job of being there when WE needed it.

We’d been through two renovations in 5 years; both huge jobs in there own way. I managed the work, and put months and months of effort in (sanding, painting, fixing up in general) to make us a really nice future.
She’d been pregnant and stopped working pretty much for about 3 years until nursery, and by the time dc hit reception she was getting a bit more. Last spring she picked up quite lot more work, and we for the first time in our lives as a family had enough coming to support our lifestyle.

Anyway at almost the precise moment she starts contributing a bit more than half, then that’s it, I’m off.

I’ve never felt so betrayed. I can’t pass that anger on to my son. I don’t know when I’ll ever be strong enough to not do that. I may have to stay away forever sad

Lonelycrab Sat 03-Feb-18 11:28:26

The tough bit is not sleeping and trying to operate on 2 1/2 hours; I’ve been doing that for a fortnight. Left our family home ( now to be sold and shared) for the last time yesterday and now at parents wondering if I’ll ever get out of bed again. I have a run of work starting tmro and not sure I’ve got the strength.

Wellyboots86 Sat 03-Feb-18 22:53:36

joomoomies first times are hard. We never did anything for valentines as valued our anniversary more but can’t get image of her and om planning some depraved sex marathon on the 14th now!

I survived our anniversary and it will get easier I promise.

lonelycrab it’s tough when the balance changes and suddenly their priorities make no sense anymore but stay strong. My stbxw always moaned about what I earn and yet is now with an unemployed guy!

scotgal you beat me to it! We really filled that up quickly!

Good for you standing up to him, why should you do everything to make his life easier? He’s a grown man, let him work out his own finances!

Borris Sun 04-Feb-18 01:11:18

It was our anniversary yesterday. Both studiously ignored it despite still living in the same house. I was relieved when it was over - not sure what I'd have done if he'd given me a card

JooMooMies Sun 04-Feb-18 08:49:51

Wellyboots86 Thank you! Valentines isn’t so much of an issue - he didn’t believe in it & wasn’t romantic after the first few years together anyhow. Young’un is taking me to the theatre that day on a Mamma/daughter date night bless her smile Anniversary is gonna be a tough one as still living in same house until he can afford to move out. Am in two minds. I’d desperately like to be amicable & friendly & maybe have a quiet dinner somewhere just us & the kids and at least acknowledge it as a marker/closing of a chapter somehow, sort of make it a positive rather than a negative memory of possible but practically speaking I’m not sure we’d manage it if I’m honest. I think it’s too painful thinking about what could/should have been if that makes sense. We’ll see!
Someone coming to value the house first thing tomorrow so I’ve a lot of work to do today, it’s for re-mortgage no selling purposes (yet) so am hoping they’ll turn a blind eye to the few little odd jobs that I’ve not had a chance to do yet! Take care smile

Lonelycrab Sun 04-Feb-18 08:51:08

Thanks welly. She’s leaving a perfectly fine house to live in a one bed flat 50 miles away supported by her parents. Our ds has just settled into a decent school and loved his life there. I genuinely think she is making a massive mistake by gambling with his future in this way: things may not turn out a rosy as she thinks and it could turn out for the worse for my son. We would have been fine. I just couldn’t convince her to see all the good we had in front of us.

I had to cancel worksad as I’ve mostly been a quivering wreck all night.

scotgal2017 Sun 04-Feb-18 10:46:41

An unfortunate welcome to newcomers, welcome to the club flowers

@JooMooMies, I hadn't even thought about Valentines day coming up. Not likely I will get anything since I know from looking at the joint account that he sent flowers at Xmas (whether to his mum - not likely- or to OW) which certainly never came my way lol. My STBXH tole me he wanted to leave a week to the day after out 17th Wedding Anniversary and 3 days before we were heading to a week long family event....tosser couldn't even have waited a week. I suppose I'm lucky in regards to him not having to live in the house, for which i'm so thankful, I don't think i could have coped with him still being here.

@Lonelycrab as wellyboots says, hang in there, you have got this!! None of what they do makes sense and you could try and convince them until you are blue in the face bt they don;t budge. I have a lot of resentment, bitterness and anger in me because he has thrown 20 years away without trying to fix it. He is a coward and selfish and I have told him so. Stay strong and focus on you and keeping yourself well, for you and your son. I went through a rough patch 2 or 3 months in after feeling quite positive and I felt like i was letting my kids down by not being positive, smiley and enthusiastic. Both my son's psychologist and my counsellor said not to feel like this, as I need time to heal first. They said that i had to focus on me feeling better first or I would not be able to be there for my kids later on, they said that the kids would understand (mine are 14 and 11 so I don't think for one minute that they don't know the hurt etc being caused as it is happening to them too!). I found that just keeping myself as busy as possible, even if I didn't feel like it, was the best thing to do.
He has the kids from Friday until Thursday and I have plans for lunch, playing tennis, get a new tattoo, see a friend for a drink etc etc....I would never have been able to do that beforehand really as i have no support (whether he was here or away!!) and so my days mainly belonged to the kids! It's time to take back my life when I can and figure out who I am as a person - not as a mother or wife - but who i am as I don't think I've been her for a very, very long time.

Got to have another wee rant this morning, just had a message from him "A couple of questions, DS is not seeing psychologist just now and he is not going to swimming because the pool isn't heated?", and then "can you let me know how much your water bill is please".......If your child has told you they are going to psychologist/swimming, why do i need to confirm it?? Tosser!!
And as for the bill......erm no, this is because you don't want to phone your bank/the water office to find anything out because that would mean having to speak to someone - and most likely someone who doesn't speak English!! Tough shit asshole, you blew your chance of me doing anything more for you err about 6 months ago. Find out yourself.!! rant over lol

Wintersnow17 Sun 04-Feb-18 13:50:27

Hello everyone, hope your Sunday is going well. Is anyone else like this- im 5/6 months on. I've been getting better each day but I suddenly can't stop thoughts of what he's done and specifically what's she's done i.e. Gone off with my man- I have such anger , bitterness and distress , I suddenly can't stop the tears in odd places- driving , in the supermarket, just walking to the shops. Keep having to duck into somewhere until it passes. I can't bear being in my own, Is it a 6 month thing we've talked about? Does anything apart from time and keeping busy help? Do anti depressants help?? X Would some form of cognitive therapy help? X

scotgal2017 Sun 04-Feb-18 15:41:42

@Wintersnow17 I'm pretty much feeling the same as you, I have been very angry, resentful and bitter, especially since the bomb drop about the OW. As you say, I haven't asked about her (not my business, except i did ask if she was in my home with my kids when i went to Rome for 5 days, i was told no, she hasn't even been to Spain so it sounds like it's a possible LDR). I'm not outwardly emotional but it is eating away at me in other ways, for example i haven't eaten very well the last 2 weeks and have lost my motivation to do anything. I just keep telling myself that it's his loss and that i can do better once i've healed. To me, he's jumped into a new relationship and it hurt - i said to my counsellor at my last session that it felt like for him the last 20 years with him meant nothing. She said to me that i am healing the right way and he has not gone through the grieving process correctly by jumping into a new relationship so quickly - she says you can't cheat the grieving process!! But it still consumes you, all the questions and thoughts about what they are doing, if they are happier etc etc. As stated I don't want him back but I think you hit it on the head in your post the other day, 6 months in the realisation of what they loss should have kicked in (in the dumpees mind I mean) and they should be trying to reconcile......

In my very first session with the counsellor back in October she gave me a copy of the Loss Cycle (I'll try and add an image of it, but have also attached an article about it). She said it could take 2 years to get through the grieving process fully after a long term relationship, and also our emotions and feelings go through the 5 stages of grief in different patterns - and most importantly that everyone is different and so every pattern of grieving is correct for that person. I would definitely recommend counselling for yourself, i don;t know if it's CBT i'm doing lol. My counsellor was a Relate counsellor for 20 years and also a samaritan before that so i feel like I am in good hands. I know it's not going to be a quick process to heal properly and I don't want it to be (well I do and I don't IYSWIM) as i want to address my faults and issues that i had in the relationship so i don;t take them on to a new one in the future - cos i sure as hell don;t want to have to go through all this again!!

psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/

scotgal2017 Sun 04-Feb-18 15:46:33

The copy of the loss/grief cycle, hope this post works as I'm not very tecchie lol.

Lonelycrab Sun 04-Feb-18 15:49:13

Hang in there wintersnow. I’m in the same place and am finding I’m fine one minute and in bits the next. All it takes is the endless tape loop in your brain going round. How could they do that to me/us? Why did you treat me like that? It’s really intense for me as it’s very raw.

The thing that I’m trying to focus on whenever those thoughts appear is to remember that person is actually a bad person. Good people aren’t unfaithful. Your situation sounds awful. Bad people are exactly that and you’re better off alone. You may have loved them to bits, but the real person underneath was not who you were loving. Surely life is about finding good people, and avoiding bad ones. Childlike simplicity I know but it’s working for me.

Cant speak about medication because I’ve not needed them before. I may do soon though.

The one thing that’s worked for me is exercise, the endorphins can really lift you. Cycling was my thing but anything where you can get your heart rate up a bit is good.

Wintersnow17 Sun 04-Feb-18 16:32:59

Thanks scotsgal2017 it is the gnawing, unanswered questions and Lonelycrab that endless tape loop. I thought I was doing well then wham - back it all comes. I'll have a look at the stuff you posted scotsgal, obviously , like all of us know doubt we all trawl the net looking for answers and reasons why it has happened so anything to help is good. Thanks for the help. I do need to exercise more. It hasn't helped that our anniversary is coming up, over 20 years. Do they go through a grieving process? IIt seems I'm out of his head already. Will it hit him down the line? I really hope it slams into him one day. X

scotgal2017 Sun 04-Feb-18 17:23:27

@Lonelycrab I think that's a great way to do it. i try and think of all the crap things he did and the horrible way he made me feel sometimes to help tell myself that i am better off without him, that I can find someone better who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated!! But I can totally relate to the endless tape loop too. Why is it we have been left to torture ourselves over and over? How is that even fair???

@Wintersnow17 will it hit them down the line? Let's hope so, let's hope the reality slams into them as hard as if they ran into a brick wall!!

Wellyboots86 Sun 04-Feb-18 18:14:51

Talk about no common sense sense! Stbxw texts at lunch to say that she’s got a couple of viewings booked in for our house this afternoon, ok no problem.

Then says that as ds1 was a handful when I had a viewing on Friday she was either going to get om over to look after him (in my house) or if that’s too weird that he’ll take him to the park (alone).

Erm...no f’ing way to either thanks! Why would I ever be ok with those two options angry. Said to me that it’s been almost a year now so what’s the problem, how about the fact that it’s my house now and I don’t want a weird guy unaccompanied with my children?

Got neighbours to look after them in the end.

Alfiemoon1 Sun 04-Feb-18 20:03:20

Can I join please been having a tough time with dh and today he confirms he wants a divorce not the outcome I wanted but also can’t put up with his behaviour

scotgal2017 Sun 04-Feb-18 20:07:26

@Wellyboots86 they really have lost their marbles haven't they??

@Alfiemoon1 of course you can Alfiemoon1, welcome to our group. You will be feeling devastated and in shock at the news that he wants a divorce. We are all here for you whenever you need to talk or rant etc xx flowers

Alfiemoon1 Sun 04-Feb-18 20:29:29

Long story short over a year ago he started a friendship with a woman at our yard Mum netters deemed it an emotional affair he even left because of her. We tried again and 2 weeks ago they bumped into each other dog walking and he ended up taking her for a drink. I found out questioned him and he lied. They hook up again on WhatsApp app he deletes the messages lies about being in contact etc. She has a partner and isn’t interested but he seems a bit infatuated searching her on Facebook 20 times a day. I insisted that if he can’t be open and honest like he is with other female friends then they need to cut contact which i think they have but he still wants a divorce
That is a very short version bear in mind this woman has form for manipulation she gets friends with teenagers and middle age men has done this to 2 other dads at the stables one gave her £500 she was bonking the old farmer next door for free riding lessons
She is also a Hooker no I am not being mean she was so low she sold her story to the papers with basically her price list.

Alfiemoon1 Sun 04-Feb-18 20:36:31

God don’t even know if that made sense lol

Alfiemoon1 Sun 04-Feb-18 20:49:34

Married 17 years together 23 since I was 17 2 D.C. 16 and 13

WeeWheels72 Tue 06-Feb-18 19:07:02

I have been left confussed and need your take on things. He flew over and stayed while here, for the kids. It was ok, pretty chilled. When he left me 3 months ago, he said he didnt love me, yesterday we talked because over texts I cant get him to say anything, he couldnt avoid it face to face. Well yesterday he said he couldnt come back, he was seeing someone about his depression, and needed to get his head sorted out, then said I didnt leave you because I didnt love you....then today while dropping him off at the airport, he said love you! Im guessing he said it by mistake? He also still wont admitt he has now met someone, tells me im being stupid. I dont know what to make of him, but as he keeps telling me to live my life, ive decided to do just that. All this does my head in....

Wellyboots86 Tue 06-Feb-18 19:22:00

I think him saying I love you was just automatic. They often say that they don’t love you, then it wasn’t because they didn’t love you etc...basically they don’t know what they want but we are expected to not move on until they do!

Reality isn’t usually as rosy as they think it’ll be in a new relationship as the excitement was largely the forbidden fruit aspect imo.

The irony is that we are the ones that have been brought to an all time low and yet we will be the ones that are better off in the long term

scotgal2017 Tue 06-Feb-18 20:03:25

How are we all doing today chaps??
@Alfiemoon1 wow that's quite an astonishing scenario! Is he thinking that if he gets a divorce from you that she will then want to be with him? Its crazy how their minds works isn't it? And the thing about having older DCs I've found is that they are not stupid and no matter how much you try and hide things they can pick up on a lot of stuff. I would sure want to protect my babies from ever meeting her should she decide to become involved with your DH!

@Weewheels72 I've never had that experience with STBXH in the last 6 months since he left so i really don't know personally but good advice from wellyboots as always. x

Well, I've been in smug mode today (is that bad?) lol. Today i went to lunch with some friends around 2pm and we were playing some tennis afterwards. had a fantastic laugh and I have sore cheeks from laughing! Anyway, I get a whatsapp from STBXH asking if i could pick DS up from school tomorrow when he finishes at 2pm and then he would collect him at 4pm. I predicted this would happen as obviously going out with his motorbike group on a Wednesday (they usually do long rides and come back about 3/4pm) is more important, how dare looking after his kids eat into his social life!! Of course, it was fine when we were still together as I was there ready to collect kids and he could just come back whenever suited...Well doh, guess what my answer was? That's right, "no I have plans" (not even the word sorry in there either lol)! The response from him was, okay just thought i'd ask on the off chance!!! Cheeky fecker!!!

Then i get a message, "are you at home DS needs a tie for school tomorrow". I said "no Im not in". DD has a key to house and so she came round to look for it but its not there (think it has been thrown out as was broken.....but doh, why not just buy one ffs??). Great, now leave me alone to enjoy my day!!

Another message - "Are you picking them up Thursday from school". i replied "No, will be out til 5pm" (not really but stop trying to fob your kids off as soon as you can....) So I agreed to collect them from his at 5.15pm, then another message DS needs his face painted for school on Friday and can he take them tuesday coming (was originally monday) for a couple of weeks? Err yes of course, they are your children too!!

Bear in mind I didn't contact this man about anything for 3 weeks solid.....in total smug mode that i am showing him i''m not at his beck and call and that hes having to take responsibility like a proper parent should!!

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