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10 years, 2 kids & a house but dragging his feet at marriage

(25 Posts)
isthismylife88 Tue 30-Jan-18 08:31:11

Hi Iv been with my partner 10 years we have 2 children and a house together.
I love him a lot but I basically had to push him into every commitment such as buying a house, car and having kids.
Iv always refused to push him into putting a ring on my finger, because if he really loves me he would ask.
Well 10 months ago I may have pushed him into it when I told him I wanted to change my name via depole to have the same name as our children. He wasn't happy with my it and felt it would make him look bad as a man.
And told me we should just get married tomorrow, at which point I argue I didn't want to just get married, he asked why and I told him he hadn't ask at them he ask if he could do it then and there. He told me his vows instead of asking for my hand in marriage " at this point I realised he had never considered asking me or what he would say when he did"
I brushed it off and said yes. Every since the conversations about getting married and booking a wedding seem to fall on deaf ear and when I book appointment to see venues he makes excuses.
I'm 30 this year, I'm considering leaving him at the end of the year if it carrys one. I really do love him but life to short to force someone into doing something they should want to do them selfs!
Can I also add he's 43 so he's not a spring chicken!
WOULD I BE MAKING A MISTAKE? ARE THESE JUST WORDS THAT I WONT EVER ACT ON?

OP’s posts: |
scurryfunge Tue 30-Jan-18 08:40:53

Is it a case of him not wanting a big wedding rather than the marriage itself?

NataliaOsipova Tue 30-Jan-18 08:47:16

I though the same as scurryfunge - he doesn't want the "wedding". Which is completely fine. But don't let that put you off getting married, which gives you a lot of legal protections.

twotired Tue 30-Jan-18 08:52:49

I could have written this last year. Been together 10 years, have 2 DC and a house and he just wasn't asking. I knew he had asked for my dads permission about 4 years before. Naturally I thought he had changed his mind.
I mentioned to him about changing my name by deed poll and he was the same, didn't want me to do it and said he would rather get married. He asked me to wait.
About a month later he proposed using our youngest DC. It was very sweet and something he had been 'planning' to do for 3 years, since our first was born.

Perhaps tell him again that having the same surname as your DC is very important to you, that you will change it by deed poll and you can get married when he is ready? There's nothing to stop you still getting married (although the ceremony will sound a bit odd haha 'do you Ms Smith take Mr Smith to be your husband')

twotired Tue 30-Jan-18 08:54:00

Or just do what a friend of mine did, and book a registry office then tell him that's when it is confused

DuckOffAutocorrectYouShiv Tue 30-Jan-18 09:02:01

How is your relationship apart from this? Is he a loving, committed and involved partner & parent? I’d be wary of ‘throwing the baby out with the bath water’, so to speak, by splitting over a disagreement over marriage if everything else was largely ok.

isthismylife88 Tue 30-Jan-18 09:28:20

Our relationship has gone from strength to strength over the years I'm just concerned he think he loves me but isn't sure enough to want to marry me.
I want to to go abroad just the 2 of use and get married. Iv showed him nice registry offices I just don't want to get married in the concrete registry offices around where we live. I showed him humanist ideas on the pier with close family and my most recent suggestion are estate weddings with a small ceremony and a large party. Iv come up with a date but the conversation just ends with him saying I will think about it.
I leave him to think for a couple of month and then revisit the subject again but he shows no interest.
His mum tells he I should just organise the wedding and tell his a date and destination but I just can't do it, I feel if he really wants this he will contribute.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life feelings he only married me because I didn't give him the chance to despise for him self.
My fear is that he doesn't know what really love is and if I broke up with him and he found someone else and felt real love would he propose within -8 months of meeting her.
This happens to someone I know, he said he just didn't really know what love was till he split front his long term partner and mother of his 2 kids after 25 year and married the love of his life just 18months later shock let his ex devastated she wasted 25 years of he life with him believing one day he would ask for her hand in marriage!

OP’s posts: |
Genderpaycrap Tue 30-Jan-18 20:57:22

I’ve been in the same situation for 15+ years. Really sorry but it doesn’t go away by itself, it just gets worse. I’m so bloody angry about it now I don’t actually want to marry him any more!! I’m considering my options!

He says it’s because his parents split so he doesn’t have a rosy view of marriage. But you can’t help thinking... is it bcs he doesn’t love me enough?? What’s your partners background?

TittyGolightly Tue 30-Jan-18 21:00:10

Holy crap. Just checked it is still 2018 and we haven’t time slipped 50 years.

TittyGolightly Tue 30-Jan-18 21:01:30

If you want the same name as your kids, change it. If you want to get married tell him you want to get married and ask if he does too. If he does then do it.

You’ve grown 2 humans, but you can’t ask a simple question?

(I won’t even start on the hideously sexist connotations of women changing their names.)

EggsonHeads Tue 30-Jan-18 21:02:57

So you didn't want to push him into marriage but pushed him into having children? hmm

expatinscotland Tue 30-Jan-18 21:03:48

Oh, dear god, you have two kids and a house together and you're still after a wedding? Just trot down to the registry office and be done with it. The time for venues and velum invitations and frilly dresses is passed, especially if you or he have jacked in FT work to look after the kids.

greenlanes Tue 30-Jan-18 21:07:48

Just deal withe the financial aspect. Quite frankly in 21st c uk only marriage can protect you financially. It shouldn't be this way but it is particularly when women often stop work or take lower paid jobs after children.

isthismylife88 Thu 01-Feb-18 08:31:07

I have asked him the simple question many times and he keeps saying he wants to get married but then nothing. I didn't push him into our first child that was an accident but I did push him into the second because I wants them to be close in age! (3 years)
And yes his parents are divorced and so are mine.
I don't want a big wedding and the thrilly dress but I do want to get married some were nicer than the registry offices in our area!! There concrete bunkers

OP’s posts: |
ShotsFired Thu 01-Feb-18 08:39:10

@isthismylife88 Two kids later and you sare syaing this: "Our relationship has gone from strength to strength over the years I'm just concerned he think he loves me but isn't sure enough to want to marry me."

It's a bit stable door and horse isn't it? You were happy to bring two kids into the world with him but are not sure he loves you enough to nip down the registry office? The legal protections alone should have been enough to do the deed. I would have to force the issue - now or never, just so you know how to plan the rest of your life.

expatinscotland Thu 01-Feb-18 08:45:37

'I don't want a big wedding and the thrilly dress but I do want to get married some were nicer than the registry offices in our area!! There concrete bunkers'

They serve a purpose. Your partner doesn't want to contribute to a wedding, but he's willing to get married. It's in your financial interest, particularly if you have jacked in full-time work to look after your children, to just do the job and forget about venues.

fluffyrobin Thu 01-Feb-18 09:33:51

I would do what his mum suggested. Getting married is important for you don't have any rights to his assets without it.

Sorry it's not the bended knee and romance you wanted..but at this late stage of your relationship you need to get it legalised asap for you and your dc's sakes.

Slievenamon Thu 19-Apr-18 14:21:06

I don't understand why you pushed him into everything...you made him buy a house with you, you made him have kids with you, you want to make him marry you....hasn't it ever occurred to you that he didn't/doesn't want any of those things and that a man you have to push to do these things is not a man you want to do them with?

fontofnoknowledge Fri 20-Apr-18 17:59:36

Fgs. Just book a registry office somewhere and get married. You have two kids ! Your and their security are more important than a nice venue for what is a ceremony of 15 minutes.

Then, when he's got over himself plan a party and a blessing. If that is what makes you happy. But the time for insisting on marriage/wedding as you wish was BEFORE you agreed to have children with him. Regardless of being planned or not.

No marriage = no right to his pension. No inheritance rights, Not NOK should it REALLY matter (hospitals aren't generally that fussed but in the most tragic of situations like decisions related to life support, THAT decision is his parents or adult child's NOT yours.) No right to the house if he is sole owner .
Etc etc etc All if that is far more important than a nice venue !

kikashi Sat 21-Apr-18 15:44:16

Do you have the money to have a wedding in a naice venue? If so, then get quotes yourself for where you like best/can afford and present them to him with your ultimatum. Be prepared to act on it - you will have your answer. Do you still love your DP? It sounds like you feel insecure about his feelings towards you.

AntipodeanOpalEye Sun 22-Apr-18 07:40:04

He kind of has everything he wants, without all the legalities. Why would he change now. I'm not sure I would OP. His reasoning is probably that he will always do "right" by you an the DC, and he may. But this change, and some legal protections are less to do with love and more to do with rights. Financial and Medical rights chiefly. I would make it a easy as possible for him to marry you, and if that means a dull soulless registry office the so be it. If it's that important to you then it doesn't matter how it happens, only that it does happen.

GameOfMinges Tue 26-Jun-18 14:41:39

Is the reason you're worried about him not really loving you because he hasn't proposed in the way you wanted, or is there something else that's giving you that feeling? And when it comes down to it, do you think he really does want to marry you?

Coyoacan Tue 26-Jun-18 15:01:22

It sounds like you want the romance of a proposal and wedding, whereas he is not that way inclined (he wasn't brought up on fairy stories like the rest of us). It certainly sounds like a very slim reason for breaking up your family.

watchingwithinterest Tue 26-Jun-18 15:09:17

I would ask him to confirm a date by the end of the week, and then you will let his family know. Call his mother and tell her the date, and ask him if he wants to be involved? If not, fine you will do everything.

If you want this to happen, then make it happen. You don't need to leave just book it. If he doesn't love you enough to marry you, you will soon find out. It is the only way you will know one way or the other.

It is a shame that you don't feel loved, that there is such insecurity in your relationship. You deserve more than he is giving to be honest, but you are committed with two dc and house so now go and get the wedding you would dearly love.

Notbeingrobbed Sat 30-Jun-18 00:21:16

Why is this in the divorce thread? If you want my advice as someone who has had the misfortune to be married for 22 years, I’d say don’t ever tie that knot! It’s not about love, it’s a property transaction. Everything you have and earn becomes his, well half of it. Don’t fall into the trap. My biggest mistake was thinking I was doing the right thing and believing in marriage. The law is monstrous. He can break every vow and you will still have to give him your life savings because all the law cares about is property.

If he loves you he won’t marry you but he will stick around.

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