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1 year on and I'm falling apart

(16 Posts)
Ahappylife Sun 28-Jan-18 09:31:32

Hello, hoping that someone out there might be able to help me see the wood for the trees!
A year ago, I split up with my daughters dad. We had been together for 8 years (daughter is now 6) and it felt like our relationship had just run its course. I was yearning for a partner who wanted to chat, was interested in me, and essentially be my best friend. But we didn't have that. My ex is a lovely guy but can be quite pessimistic, feels down quite a lot and I suppose I gradually got worn down with trying. So I ended things, moved out and we now have a 50/50 parenting arrangement which is perfectly amicable and our daughter is happy. I have also met someone new who gives me all the things in a relationship that I was craving...... emotional support, obvious love for me and someone who feels like my best friend. So what's the problem? I don't know, but I am falling apart. I wake up every morning when I don't have my daughter, feeling sick, anxious and have this awful feeling that I made a mistake. This isn't the life I wanted for my daughter. I don't think I miss my ex per se, but I do miss our family unit. To the point where it is crippling me. I'm pushing my new guy away. He is being so supportive and understanding but there's only so much one person can take. I'm terrified to carry on down the path of this new life because it means I can never have the natural family unit I always wanted. I can never have my little girl live with me 100% of the time. Equally I know that if I go back to my ex, we would manage and function but I would know that I wasn't sharing my life with my soulmate. The man I am with now.
Sorry for the long post. I don't know what to do. I know this is self sabotage but I don't know how to stop and am falling apart. Just needed to share x

OP’s posts: |
MozzchopsThirty Sun 28-Jan-18 09:48:16

Hi op

I experienced exactly the same feelings about 10 months after my split. Even though I'd met a guy who was everything my ex wasn't and adored me.
I ended up resuming a sexual relationship with my ex
I ditched the perfect guy, fucked a few randoms and eventually stopped sleeping with my ex.

From about 15 months then things started to get more normal, I had some counselling to deal with the guilt I felt about splitting my family up.

Now 5 years on me and exh have a great relationship, we parent well, the dcs are happy and I know I did the right thing

Give yourself some time, a year is very early days

Ahappylife Sun 28-Jan-18 09:57:35

Thankyou for your lovely reply! I have been looking into getting some counselling as I think my guilt is a huge part in my anxiety. I am trying so hard not to let this new guy go. He is the most wonderful person I could have ever met. I just hope he can put up with me while I figure this all out.
So glad to hear you are happy. I feel a bit more hopeful now xx

OP’s posts: |
MozzchopsThirty Sun 28-Jan-18 10:12:07

I would definitely recommend counselling, it did me the world of good.
Don't get me wrong I'm not always happy and dating is hard but I'm more confident in my decision and know I made the right one for me, exh and the dcs

Ahappylife Sun 28-Jan-18 10:33:06

Do you mind me asking how often you see your little ones? I work full time so whilst I have her sleep at mine half the week, time is so limited in waking hours. This isn't the life I wanted for her. Missing her is pretty much unbearable x

OP’s posts: |
MozzchopsThirty Sun 28-Jan-18 10:37:49

They're with their dad every Wednesday, every other weekend fri-sun and half all the holidays.
But like you I work full time so weekday evenings are crazy and not fun

Honestly I do enjoy the free time, I can go to the gym or run, go out with the girls or on dates, sometimes I'll just chill in bed and binge Netflix smile

How old is your little one??
Try and do something lovely for yourself when you don't have your dc, something you can't do normally and embrace the free time

MozzchopsThirty Sun 28-Jan-18 10:38:19

Sorry just saw your dd is 6

Ahappylife Sun 28-Jan-18 11:02:08

I think part of the problem for me is that when I don't have dd, I see the new man. Because otherwise there is literally no time. So now I'm associating him with feeling sad and guilty. It's not good.
Did you ever think that you could fix the guilt and sadness by going back to your ex? I do, all the time. But I don't think that's the answer. I'm literally a shadow of who I used to be. I was so happy, so full of life, so hopeful. Now I just exist and try not to cry. The irony is, I was the one who left! I worry I made a terrible mistake that I will never recover from x

OP’s posts: |
Ilovecrumpets Sun 28-Jan-18 11:55:01

Hi OP

One thing that struck me from your post is that you say that your daughter is happy and it sounds like you have a really good conparenting relationship. So although it isn’t the life you wanted for your daughter ( who does want divorce), it seems (through you and your ex’s approach) that your daughter is OK?

I do think that maybe a good counsellor could help you find peace with your decision to leave? And - and I mean this kindly - peace with the fact that all our choices have consequences and whilst it is really unfair it doesn’t sound like you can have happiness yourself and the family until you always dreamed of or full time with your daughter?

I’m on the other side in that my ex left me. I also find not being with my D.C. really hard - but at the same time can see how important time with their dad is to them However even though I would never of left, I can now see how much lighter I am, how my D.C. will now not be living with a mother who has suppressed her desires, want for happiness etc and how the house has less underlying sadness? I guess what I’m saying is you are in a hard place now, but try not to hark back to the past and see it as better than it was? Or underestimate how hard it would be for you to live a life without fulfilment and what that would do long term. You sound very thoughtful so I’m sure there were very good reasons why you took the decision to leave - hold onto whatever it was within you that took that decision.

Ilovecrumpets Sun 28-Jan-18 11:56:12

Sorry ‘co parenting’ and ‘family unit’

Ahappylife Sun 28-Jan-18 12:06:13

Hello,

Yes she's very happy. She has 2 parents who love her so much. You're right.... I may be remembering things to be better than they were. It was never completely awful, no screaming matches..... just no connection, no spark. I tried for a long time to be me, but I spent a lot of time feeling like I was an annoyance. So in the end I stopped trying. And that's when it fell apart. Sadly, I think things could have got better towards the end. My ex was beginning to try. But I had already mentally checked out and was done. I regret that I didn't give it just a bit longer. I hope that one day I can find peace and move forward. At the moment, all I want is to have my family back together, even if it wasn't completely fulfilling, it would feel better than this x

OP’s posts: |
Ilovecrumpets Sun 28-Jan-18 12:32:01

Hey OP

I think the fact that you felt you couldn’t be yourself and were an annoyance is very telling. Maybe also try thinking how it would have become being in your relationship - not just how it was when you left? And although your ex was starting to try the sad fact is that people can’t fundamentally change who they are?

Perhaps go and see your GP and try and get some help to support you through this difficult time? So that you can make whatever decisions are right for you in the long term?

MozzchopsThirty Sun 28-Jan-18 12:54:13

Op No I never thought getting back with my ex would be a good idea
Yes our family would be one unit but we'd all be so unhappy.
My older dc now say how much they prefer us both now that we're not together

BackInTheRoom Sun 28-Jan-18 18:26:18

@Ahappylife

Your needs:
A partner who wants to chat
Is interested in you
Offers emotional support
Shows obvious love for you
Someone who feels like your best friend. 

Question: 
In the beginning did your ex meet these needs?

Your ex is:
Quite pessimistic, 
Feels down quite a lot 

Question:
Was he always like this? 

The symptoms:
No connection
No spark
Made you feel like you were an annoyance.

Question:
When did you start feeling like this? 

NameWithChange Sun 28-Jan-18 20:14:01

Hi Op

As much as I like to think people hit bumps in the road in relationships and can fix and move on with them, you describe quite clearly valid reasons why you wanted to get out of it - ones that don't sound easily fixable.

If it helps, my ExH was a nightmare, not physically abusive but everything else, the relief from finally getting out of his clutches was immense. BUT I still had feelings resurface that maybe I should take him back, just for the sake of that stable family unit for my DCs. These faded but then re-appeared when he got a new girlfriend.

Ultimately I know 100% that I am better off without him and I really can't even stomach being in the same room as him - but I still missed the family unit that we were and grieved for that.

I hope that makes some sense and helps.

wildernessjewel Sun 28-Jan-18 20:26:15

Talk to your ex!!! There is nothing that can replace the family togetherness. The more we break down and give up on each other, the less we see families who are in it for the long haul.

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