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Husband leaving - was OK but now the reality has set in

(5 Posts)
Joto369 Mon 22-Jan-18 15:36:02

Short history - bad things in the marriage - cheating on his part, internet dating, lies, hiding things etc and so I know it is for the best but now its happening Im a mess. We had a huge row at Xmas and I was the one who said a break would be a good idea but the reality is that it hasnt been amicable, adult discussed break. He's kept me out of the loop whilst spending money on our account and selling things from the home as he is skint til payday - things he did bring fair enough but he has no use for a lawnmower! What he wants is to leave and then we can maybe see what will happen when things calm down - maybe go on dates. In the meantime I have been removed from his facebook (and my family) and he's buying his own food because I mentioned he hadnt bought anything this monnth (that is our arrangement whilst I buy the diesel) but I am somehow the big bad person in all this!! I agree a separation is probably a good idea but my suggestion of counselling is met with a big no. I feel absolutely all over the place - maybe some of it is because he has decided to go and Im not involved in any of it and he's not even discussing things like the dog (he is the main walker as he works shifts), bills, debts etc. I just feel like after all Ive been through with him and tried to put right Im now being punished because I still find it hard to forget what he did and this is the reason he is going. he says we need to just have a clean sheet and move on but I find that hard - its only 12 months since it all happened. How will I get through this?? My anxiety which I had been working on after his affair is throiugh the roof again.

OP’s posts: |
MrsMummy500 Tue 23-Jan-18 02:31:02

Babes, you're at the very beginning of the very beginning. It's up to you now whether you try patch it up, or whether you have the courage to understand it's over. I don't know where it all stands but it sounds like you need to gather yourself and move forward with all that you can muster.

Go get legal quick smart. We're all here for you and so will your pals be, and you'll be better and more in control than you've ever imagined. It's an ending yes, but a massive beginning for you too!

Peanutbuttercheese Tue 23-Jan-18 03:26:09

It would be very convenient for him for you to forget everything, what an absolutely cheeky sod he is. You are a person entitled to the way you feel even if it's unfortunately sadness. Don't let him try and negate your feelings.

I'm not saying there is ever a good affair but his attitude post affair with no remorse is so awful. No wonder your anxious.

Hidingtonothing Tue 23-Jan-18 04:50:33

I firmly believe the only person who can fix a relationship after cheating is the one who cheated. So much of your ability to move on will depend on feeling that he's really trying, that he's understood the effects of what he did and is willing to do whatever it takes to repair your trust in him.

It doesn't sound like that's what he's doing though and the most likely reason for that is that he's simply too weak and too selfish to face up to what he's done and put the hard work in to rebuild what he's broken. I think maybe you have to ask yourself whether that's the kind of man you want, whether a weak, selfish man is good enough for you.

I don't think he is good enough and I'm hoping you will come to the same conclusion because that's what will give you the strength to get through this. What support do you have in real life OP? Do you have friends or family to talk to?

happygolulu Tue 23-Jan-18 07:58:41

As someone who has been through a recent and traumatic break up, I can't tell you how important it is that you look after yourself. I ended up seeing my Dr for anxiety and now take a mild anti-depressant which I have to say has really helped get me through the last couple of months. I don't advocate medication but my anxiety was through the roof and I was struggling to deal with the every day. Now I feel relaxed, calm, able to take each day as it comes and deal with the formalities of the situation with a level head. We couldn't patch it up but please get yourself strong so you can deal with whatever you choose to. Sending hugs. x

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