Newly Seperated

[Stokiesteve]

Utterly devastated. Wife told me on Friday she wanted me gone. Nearly 20 years married. Two kids 4 and 11. Get to speak to them on video call after watching them growing up. Out of the blue, no build up, just decided she wanted me out. Struggling to cope. Need to talk to people. At Mum and dads but they’re elderly and struggling to understand. As am I. Wife doesn’t seem to care. Ice cold. Never seen her like this before. Not the woman I married. Heartbroken, lonely, insecure and devastated sum it up.

[RB68]

Didn't want to read and run. It is a very difficult situation and much like grief- for what is lost ie family life. Make an agreement with her for the the kids - try text, keep it unemotional and fact based and get some time with them. I am sure others more experienced will come along

[WasDoingFine]

Why have you left the family home? It's yours as well.

Do you both work? What were your childcare arrangements before you seperated.

[ClaudiaFringe]

This is frankly cruel for her to not even sit and talk to you about how she has got to this. You say you've never seen her like this before and I am wondering if there is another reason that you don't know about - could she be struggling with depression or something similar? (Obviously there is the possibility that she has met someone new but surely she would have given this as her reason if that was the case?)

You have rights to see your children and you need to get some professional advice from a solicitor but if I were you I would go back to her and find out more about how she has reached this point. God knows she owes you that at the very least.

[Stokiesteve]

She’s telling me she needs time and space, but she’s put ‘seperated’ on her Facebook profile and removed all pictures of me from around the house. If I had stayed it would have been huge arguments continued which I didn’t want the kids to see. Understand I need to get child access sorted. Thanks

[Mary1935]

Hi I'm sorry for you - that's a very cruel way to treat someone - I would move back in and she can divorce you - what has she told your children - people do live separately in the same home. I understand you don't want to distress your children but it's not on. She's not thinking of this affects the children when she's totally removed you from your life!!!
Do you think she's met someone else?
Really I would toughen up - I hope it's a joint tenancy for you - move back and let her divorce you - hopefully you can agree to keep life amicable for the children whilst this is happening.
I hope you have friends you can talk through. You must be in shock. Take care

[lifeafterfourty]

Move back in immediately and see a solicitor. Leaving the home outs you at a serious disadvantage when negotiating child custody. Leaving established a status quo whereby you barely see your children. You have every right to be there until the divorce is finalised. It will be hard but ultimately better than the alternative.

[WitchesHatRim]

Move back in immediately and see a solicitor

This x100

[iamthrough]

OK - so I'm going to play devils advocate here (and will probably be flamed for it). Maybe your wife is also struggling with the situation you are both now in.... perhaps she's been having trouble with the marriage for a long time before this happened..... perhaps there is no one else and she just sees no alternative but to shut OP out?? Could you try and talk to her - ask her how she's feeling? Perhaps you could suggest counselling - if only to understand why this has happened rather than thinking counselling can fix your problems. Who knows - maybe she has run off with the milkman so to speak but at the moment no one knows. I agree you need to make arrangements to see your children and solicitor advice may be useful but going at this demanding anything or talking about rights is likely to just inflame the situation - not help it. Sorry just my opinion feel free to ignore.

[lifeafterforty]

I think you can do both. Protect yourself by moving back in and establishing your parental rights. You don't need to demand anything, just that you wish to be in the home with your children. Sleep in another room and be there for them. Do not attempt to argue or influence your wife. Just be there with your kids. They must be very confused as to where you've gone. At the same time, if your wife is willing to talk, see if you can find out more from her perspective. No need to be aggressive or demanding but being away from your children does not help them or you. Deciding to separate does not mean that one parent has to remove themselves from the day to day care of the children. Ultimately you can amicably co-exist until you decide the next steps.

[WitchesHatRim]

At the same time, if your wife is willing to talk, see if you can find out more from her perspective.

Well that only works if she is willing to do the same.

[Stokiesteve]

Thanks for all your messages and advice.

Sometimes these things help us look out our own failings, and attempt to mend them. As the days go by things become apparent. Reflection I think they call it.

Whichever way it goes I’m not blameless. It’s hard to admit your failings. I just wished we’d talked more.
Ok

[letsdolunch321]

Sending hugs. It is never a good situation when you part.

Firstly tell the wife you need to talk regards why it has come to this. Try to talk with out the kids being present also in a calm fashion, it won’t help either of you being hostile.

Also make notes so when/if you decide to see a solicitor you have questions you can ask in black & white. It will save solicitor charges if you are prepared

If you have a joint bank account I would put a freeze on that at the moment incase she decides to empty it.

Please keep in touch with your children as this is an upsetting/unstable time for them. My ds no longer talks to my exh as he didn’t maintain contact when we parted.

Good luck