Anyone else a SAHM at time of split? Plans re work and maintenance?

[PenelopeChipShop]

I’m just wondering if anyone else is or has been in the same position as me. I’m actually not entirely a SAHM but since having our DD (she’s now 21 months) i’ve only done short term temporary contracts (while my parents babysit) or work that can be done from home when kids asleep. My oldest is 5 and in school. DH left us in May last year. Prior to him walking out the plan was for us to continue like this - he works (has own business which is very successful) while i look after the kids, and ‘keep my hand in’ my career with this ac hoc Work.

But now we’re splitting I just don’t understand how long he legally ‘has to’ support me (in addition to the kids) - should I just look for a job ASAP? I’m not sure what I would do for childcare as my parents only help because it’s now and again, they wouldn’t want to commit every week. I don’t really want to just ‘live off’ my ex husband obviously but at the same time our DD is still very little and won’t qualify for her nursery hours for another year. Plus with all they’ve been through with the split i want to be there for them as much as possible, not to mention we now ‘share’ them at weekends so I want to see them in the week!

Before i get flamed I do realise i’m in fairly lucky position financially, so far he has continued to support us but once were properly divorced I don’t know what will happen. I know I have to make a request in the order but how much should I ask for... enough to pay all mortgage and bills so I still have the choice or is that unreasonable? It was him who left me for another woman if that makes a difference, it may not!

Asking now as i’ve heard there’s a vacancy at one of the places I freelance at and i’m Wondering whether to go for it but it’s been ages since i’ve Worked full time and don’t know if I should if I don’t have to etc....

[ilovekitkats]

The judge only cares that each party has a roof over their head and enough to live on. They also expect women to support themselves, so would expect you to get a job. That is based on recent cases I know of with friends/family.

The judge might grant spousal maintenance for 12 months, or until the child started school, depending on financial circumstances.

Spousal maintenance is very rare ususally, according to my solicitor. My DD was 4, and I didn't ask for any as XH had no money anyway.

I turned my small self employed work into a full time business, over the past few years.

Your will have to fill in Form E as part of your divorce, and on that form you can state how much it costs you to live. Then an agreement is reached between you/solicitors, or judge if you can't agree.

[Bluedoglead]

I had to go to work and pay for childcare.

Why wouldn’t you have to do the same?

[PenelopeChipShop]

Thank you kitkats, I just have no idea what the usual system is. I know I’ve been fortunate to be able to stay at home with them a lot thus far, and I am willing to work, but it’s complicated trying to work out how much time I have. I thought if you had preschool children that was enough of a reason to be at home with them but I don’t know where I got that idea really, just things i’ve heard I suppose.

I fully get that some women have it worse than me (though I have still had my heart broken and world totally shattered which isn’t great) but it just feels a bit harsh that I have to go from being home for them (as mutually agreed with erstwhile husband) to just working full time and putting them in childcare all week in order to do that, then handing them over for half the weekend, because HE decided he wants to be with someone ten years younger

[ilovekitkats]

It’s hard. I had to go to work full time, while he is still with OW and she gets to work part time. Life isn’t fair sadly. I only worked 2-3 days a week before he left and I liked my worklife balance.Now I’m stressed and fed up most of the time. XH only wanted me to work part time when I had DC, but was happy to abandon us with a large mortgage and no real income.

It’s hard letting DC go initially, but now a few years on, I enjoy quiet time on my own on the rare occasion he bothers to have DC. You will get there too one day.

My new model was 17 years younger. It hurts. It hurts like a bitch. But ultimately you be ok and probably better off without him.

If your XH is a high earner then you may well get SM from him. F8ngers crossed, but do prepared for judge to think you should support yourself too.

[mrssapphirebright]

Legally he only has to pay you cm. A lot will depend on your divorce settlement. Spousal support is rare, usually in long marriages where the woman has given up a career years ago and has little chance of finding employment.
As a pp has said, it's only high earners that would have to pay even if that was the case.
You may get a year or two year spousal support payment, but a lot will depend on your division of assets.
Most women find themselves worse off after divorce, men too really.
I would imagine you would have to find a regular job even if it was part time. You would be able to claim tax credits then at least, and prob help towards childcare.

[Jixy8731]

Part time job, with tax credits might see you through for a year, until things get easier when they get the nursery hours

[Jixy8731]

Sadly you might also have to look at moving if it’s a large mortgage... it’s so tough

[Alittleconcerned1980]

Sahm here recently divorced m. 4 and 7.

High earning ex (£150k plus £60k bonus).

Agreement is that I will return to work by sept 2019.
I will receive SM until youngest 18.
Obv CM until 18.
Portion of bonus for next three years.
I get the house (equity £300k) but I don’t touch his pension (circa £300k)

[Alittleconcerned1980]

Spousal support is rare, usually in long marriages where the woman has given up a career years ago and has little chance of finding employment.


It’s not “rare” around here (affluent SE town). It’s the norm.
6 year marriage here.

[greenberet]

Lucky you Alittle

I was in 20 yr marriage supported x build up business by being SAHM long term depression recognised by PIP but got 2 years spousal and told will easily get back into full time employment at 55 because I am intelligent!

Needless to say my MH has been severely impacted on

[Whatiwishfor]

It also depends on your age (i was told yesterday by my solicitor). If your young then you have years ahead of you to work. I would also start considering what you will do if things become nasty and he decides not to pay the mortgage etc etc. My husband walked out and left me to pick up all the bills i had a 2 and 3 year old and only worked part time. Universal credits have been amazing! but they take a while to set up. I do work but only part time but hope in the future when my youngest is at school to work more hours.