This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Contact arrangements in house(10 Posts)
Is there anyone here who has contact arrangements with their ex whereby they see the dc on an agreed evening during the week at the ‘family’ home?
Due to logistics my ex is not able to have sleepovers and the only way he can see dc more than once a week is by dropping in to our house on an agreed evening once a week, for a few hours.
I’m not sure if this is ideal as it blurring the boundaries, but maybe I’m overthinking it? Does anyone else do this and does it work for them?
What are the logistics that mean he can’t see them elsewhere?
It’s not sustainable long term and it’s not fair on the DC, who’ll find it confusing, or you as your home is being taken over by a man you’re no longer in a relationship with.
How long have you been separated and when is it likely to change so he can have contact in his own place?
You only need to make the DC available for contact with him. You don’t need to accommodate it in your home.
I’m doing this OP. I have recently separated and similarly my husband doesn’t have somewhere the kids could go and is unlikely to until we divorce and sell the family home.
I wouldn’t want to do it long term but atm it is helping me buy some time to stay in the family home whilst allowing him to have proper time with the DC. So he comes and does bath and bed twice a week - I get back for a good night kiss or after they are asleep ( although I am occasionally in the house as I’m not ha going round on a street corner to wait!). Then he comes to the house every Sunday and stays every other Saturday night. I go and stay at a friends that night. I will probably move it to every other weekend in the near future. It may even turn out that we have to rent a one bed and I stay there when he is at the house.
As I say I would t want to do it long term but it is manageable atm. He doesn’t sleep in my bed is my only stipulation. I don’t know if it makes it harder for me as less of a clean break. Don’t think it is confusing for the kids ( well anymore than separation!) as I try to leave the house for the majority of the time. So it is just him and them. I think there is a term for it of ‘nesting’ - more popular in the US.
I think when you separate people can give you a lot of what you should and shouldn’t do. But you need to work out what works for your situation, give it a try and then reassess if it isn’t working?
Thanks for your replies
It’s not easy is it
hopefully we can come to an alternative arrangement.
It doesn’t help that ex makes it hard
Can you go out?
This was suggested by exh. I'm ok with it as I won't be there and mostly trust him but suspect current exh partner doesn't want him to
That’s a good suggestion* Queen*, thank you.
I think what makes it hard is that I’m working with someone who does not want to find solutions.
Everything is impossible or unworkable or whatever and everything I suggest is dismissed. And of course, it’s all my fault.
I’m tired and alone with it all, and I’ve reached a brick wall now. I could cry.
It is no longer your job to facilitate his relationship with his children. If he realy wanted to see them and have an ongoing relationship with them, he would find ways to do so.
Op I am doing this atm
This was his first weekend and he already cocked it up by not sticking to the agreed times and arrangements ! However I did not change mine and ds plans so ex do list out in the end.
I don't have any issues with it as we are still a family and tbh all the anger and hurt etc is long gone , I have no feeling a either way for him so it's easy.
In a nutshell - If you have no hard feelings and everyone sticks to the arrangements I think it can work
*that should read ex dp missed out in the end
OP - I can see how it must be much harder with a difficult ex ( mine can be difficult but atm he does generally want to make things work). I think that would also be harder having him in the house on you then.
I also try to make sure I go out, as think it is easier on everyone. But then again it can be not great to feel you just have to wander round etc. I’m trying to go to a class for one of the times my ex is in the house.
Please login first.