I’m not brave enough for this(9 Posts)
OH just phoned me to say it’ll be over between us sooner or later. It’s been bad for a while. We are both in our early twenties and have two young kids. Most of our rockiness the past few years has been following my own ups and downs but health professionals are finally talking of a bipolar diagnosis and treatment. I want to see if the treatment for my mental health will help our relationship but I am worried I don’t have that much time. I’m worried to live alone but most of all I’m worried what people will think. I come from a upper middle class background where everyone boasts about how well their kids do at uni. I felt I had to fight hard against the gossip of having kids so young. Now I have this on my shoulders. I’m worried how to put a brave face on to everyone, family, work, friends.
I know our relationship isn’t perfect but the thought of leaving is far worse. I’m in tears writing this and feel I have no one to turn to.
There sounds like there is more to this. But here goes:
Stop thinking about your perception of what other folk are thinking. I was married young, divorced young and know a cross section of society who have managed their lives in all manner of different ways, and been no more or less better at it than me. It's sad that it's such a competition, but I do get that....and to some extent we are all putting on a brave face. So many children go to Uni now that it's really not the big deal it was for previous generations, and I would love to have a really interesting conversation with someone who's child is doing ok in an apprenticeship....but I that's another matter.
Keep your kids safe & well
Sort out your MH
Let OH sort himself out
Thank you dlnex I know you are right and I should stop thinking about the perception. I guess this is all messed up in my mental health. I’m told by others I’m success but I still feel I need to prove it every second of the day (and this is probably what’s frustrating my laid back OH).. I just wish I had a few more months to see if proper treatment would “cure” me..
Just to add, he said the split would be fair and planned and we would make sure we agree on everything, ending up as friends. He still loves me he says but just living together isn’t working.
It might cure you.
The separation might be the thing you need.
Neither of those things can be predicted.
Let him move on, you will move on to, when you are ready, and be in a much better place.
You need to put down that big heavy sack of other people's expectations you're carrying
There is nothing wrong with having children young, and no shame or fault in having mental health problems. And relationships break down - it's not always somebody's failure, sometimes it just isn't working and it's fairer to everyone to go your separate ways. It sounds as though it will be an amicable split, which is much better for all of you.
Please don't let guilt cripple you, you really haven't done anything wrong
If you are married, find a solicitor, and let them deal with everything. Tell the solicitor what YOU want to happen, let them make it happen (it's their job) and you concentrate on your MH. Tell your DP to deal with solicitor & he needs to move out. Be brave, and treat your DP as if you are ok with all of it, in agreement etc but the negotiations are done via the solicitor. I would not hang around in the hope it might get better - because he has told you it will end fair & friendly - he might move on very quickly and suddenly want to demand how the split goes.
Breakups are sad but they need not be bad. It's a big plus that your OH wants to be amicable but you still need to protect yourself. And you need to not worry about what others think too. Your life is none of their business and they probably think about you much less than you think they do. Kids at uni aren't everything. Happy well adjusted kids and your own mental health are more important. You're stronger and braver than you think, truly you are.
Thank you everyone. All this means so much to me.
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