Financial agreement-being fair

[Lostlily]

I am at the tail end of my divorce now.
However, due to commitments and dd being unwell we delayed selling the marital home until now. It is now on the market and ex and I have agreed the following:
Approx £180,000 total equity in house
Approx £30,000 mutual debt
Split £90k in my favour and £50k in his (both will be debt free and have a good car )
Married for 16 years, 14 yr old daughter to live with me, he was unfaithful, I was the higher earner
Is this fair, I bloody think so! My parents think I am mad as he is unlikely to be able to pay maintenance either but I don't see the point leaving him destitute as he has always worked and I want to be able to have a clean break....Thoughts??

[ArnoldBee]

To be honest it's what you and your ex think is fair. Your parents will have their own opinion but it's your divorce.

[Rainboho]

He will need to pay maintenance for your DD.

[Lostlily]

he is moving back to home town which means giving up his job, not a well paid profession anyway and already pays maintenance to his ex for another child still in full time education.

[Brakebackcyclebot]

Are YOU happy with the arrangement? That's what matters.

Although I wouldn't be accepting him not paying any maintenance.

[WasDoingFine]

Why do they not think it's fair? You're getting more

[Brakebackcyclebot]

I speak from experience of situations changing. I had a high paid job, and was made redundant. Now ex's maintenance is vital! Giving up maintenance for your child is not a clean break. The clean break refers to your mutual dependence on eachother. He is still DD's father. There can be no "clean break" on that.

[Lostlily]

I think it’s fair and am going with it.
I just want enough to put down on a home for me and my dd, I know others have secure the family
Home etc but I can’t afford it on my own anyway and want to clear all the debts to give us both a chance

[HeddaGarbled]

Your parents (understandably) want to punish him for his infidelity. All credit to you for not feeling the same way.

So long as you are going to be able to afford a home for you and your daughter and a decent life, it's OK.

[GeriT]

@Lostlily I am going through something similar.

Did you agree this between you two? Or was it through mediation?

My situation is nearly identical to yours but my STBXH seems to think he's entitled to a lot more as the lower earner.

[wobytide]

So presumably he will still be seeing your Daughter and needing space to allow her to stay over. So I guess the question is if you are the higher earner with greater mortgage capacity why are you taking more of the equity if you both need to provide a 2-bed property?

Not enough details to go on anyway i.e. if pensions and what childcare arrangements are. Just finger in the air figures as they are

[mrssapphirebright]

If you have both agreed this together and are both happy with it then it's fair. That's all that matters really.

[Lostlily]

Wobytide:
I also had my own place to start with and my equity in that was a big deposit in our first property together, I also paid for an extension on our current marital home with inheritance(fully) just two years ago. He is going back to his parents and I will be left with our child and as he will be almost 200 miles away he will not be able to help practically at all, apart from the odd weekend and holiday times etc

GeriT:
I used some guidance from online resources and we have come to the agreement between us but are having a court order to ensure we stick to it. It does not include pensions or anything its just basically agreeing to clear all debt so we can have a fresh start and how the equity is divided.

[wobytide]

Have you spoken to a solicitor about this? Bringing a house into a relationship 14+ years ago isn't going to have much bearing. You're married, both have responsibilities to the child and will need places to live and look after her in theory. Just because you think it's fair isn't going to make a judge sign it off. Likewise if there are pensions and other assets they all need taking into account. Selling the house and splitting the money without it all agreed could be a bit of a minefield especially if the courts don't ratify what you've decided

[Lostlily]

We both have a small work related pension with very little in either.
There are no other assets, just our home. He is from a fairly comfortable family and is not worried about his 'future' and says he see's the money (after debt) as being split three ways, me, him and our daughter, our daughters share is going into buying her a home.
She will have accommodation when she stays with him a she has her own bedroom at his parents as its other end of the UK. WE are having a 'Financial Consent Order' completed.

[Lostlily]

well I don't think it is unfair? I think I am just taking back what I have put in and I have agreed to no maintenance as I know he will not be able to afford it.

[wobytide]

Still sounds like you are being a bit naive. It isn't what you think is fair at the end of the day. The fact it isn't his house and entirely depends on his relationship with his parents (and their staying alive) isn't necessarily going to convince a judge. Inheritances aren't guaranteed. Your assets and situation now however are

[wobytide]

Plus if your Daughter is only 14 then it's only another 12 months till you can approach the CMS for maintenance if circumstances change and have another 3 years minimum of maintenance. Sounds like both of you need to speak to someone with legal advice at least before putting it in front of the courts if you are going to convince them that it's fair and you both understand what you are doing

[Lostlily]

hmm...this is kind of what my parents are saying, regarding the maintenance thing. I kind of said that if he has agreed to me having the larger lump sum, then I wont chase him for maintenance.
We have had some advice and are using solicitors for the divorce. The solicitor said I was being very reasonable!
He has said that if he gets a job and can afford to, he will pay her tuition which is an hour a week But I'm not expecting that to be honest.
I guess you are answering my initial post....and it may be fair, it may not, to either of us

[DoItAgainBob]

I am just taking back what I have put in

Marriage doesn't work that way which is why prenups aren't legally binding. You both need to be housed. As the lower earner I'm guessing he may need more equity to do that?

[MyAimIsTrue]

I think you are being FAR too soft on him.

I would want my initial deposit back. I would also want the money for the extension back. I would also want maintenance for my child.

He sounds the sort of man who always lands on his feet and his wealthy parents are likely to be able to make that happen for the rest of his life.

He cheated on you. He broke those vows. You were supporting him and he was cheating on you. I think you need to get more angry.

[worridmum]

The problem is her partner was the lower earner so if it goes to court it will be closer to 50/50 or even better in his favour.

You will not get you depoist back and extension back and on top of it half of the higher value of the property as the higher earner.

I would get it sorted asap maybe make the balence slightly better for him so the judge is more likely to sign of on it like 80k /60 or 75/ 65k in your favour otherwise the judge could make you split equality 50/50.

As Uk courts generally give the lower earners higher percentage dispite there gender (people think women get the better deals in court but its mostly due being the lower earner)

[Alittleconcerned1980]

You are seeing maintenance as YOUR money.

It’s not. It’s your daughters and by saying he needn’t pay any maintenance you are depriving her. If not for daily life, then bung it inza junior isa for her

[WitchesHatRim]

I would want my initial deposit back. I would also want the money for the extension back.

Divorce doesn't work like that.