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(21 Posts)
JacquelineChan Tue 09-Jan-18 09:59:48

There's a really long back story here .
Cut a long story short I have finally snapped and about to walk out of my job and home. Ex dp also my employer . We have been trying to work things through for a few months but I found out during that time he was speaking to a woman on tinder and asked her out for a drink
I can't work with him !
I've quit.
I'm so scared I have a 3 year old ds. House is in dp name but I have equity and have paid for lots including a new kitchen .
I'm terrified for our future. Mum is on her way over bless her .
Poor ds I don't think I will afford his nursery anymore .
I'm in a mess and don't know where to start. Any advice ?

JacquelineChan Tue 09-Jan-18 11:34:07


misscph1973 Tue 09-Jan-18 12:52:50

Didn't want to read and run - I am guessing you have not confronted your DH? A little confused as you refer to him as ex DH?

JacquelineChan Tue 09-Jan-18 14:29:30

We are not married. He is definitely an ex as from today! I confronted him on Sunday and after some more dramas today I've ended it.
I'm more worried about the practical stuff like financials eye
I'm scared I've been a bit rash but everyone tells me I should have done it ages ago

misscph1973 Tue 09-Jan-18 14:33:29

OK. You need professional financial advise.

Do you work? Is anything in your name? Is it his DS?

I got a lot of basic questions answered here:

JacquelineChan Tue 09-Jan-18 15:38:36

Thanks Miss
Very complicated because we were running a business together!
I have booked a solicitor appointment it is next week.
I'm just trying to process it all and feel panicked thinking I may have ruined ds life.
It is his child

misscph1973 Tue 09-Jan-18 18:20:16

Oh dear! Is there any chance you could keep it amicable and keep running the business together? My STBXH and also used to run a business together, thankfully we decided to split the companies just before I decided I wanted a divorce.

You have not ruined DS' life, you should not sacrifice your own happiness for a pretend family.

What you can do to ensure your DS has a continued happy life is to look after your own best interests and work hard on keeping it amicable.

JacquelineChan Tue 09-Jan-18 18:53:34

Thank you for your replies. I have tried to keep on working together but it's just not working out
He's been taking advantage and refusing my holiday requests in order to accommodate others and swapping my day off at the last minute just because he would not dare to do that to another member of staff.
I really have tried but through work I can see emails showing how he's booked trips to Thailand on the sly.
I don't want to keep seeing that

JacquelineChan Tue 09-Jan-18 18:56:49

I'm 100 % focussed on developing a co parenting relationship and keeping this friendly for ds

misscph1973 Tue 09-Jan-18 21:00:23

That sounds awful! Could you have a role that's not in-house, perhaps work from home?

Good that you want to maintain an amicable relationship.

Are you planning on moving out with your DS?

JacquelineChan Tue 09-Jan-18 21:12:19

I was working from home - so was he ! It was so miserable.
He's been round tonight and for now he is being reasonable and saying he will move out for 3 months until we can sell the house as I have equity I want back.
We'll see

misscph1973 Wed 10-Jan-18 13:01:18

Oh dear, we also work from home ;) It doesn't help, does it.

He does sound very reasonable, that's a good solution for you.

My STBXH is moving out this coming weekend. We are renting, so not much to sort out (my car is 21 years old, he doesn't drive). I will be moving into another rental with our 2 DC (when I find a suitable house). We have agreed a maintenance amount based on the calculators you can find online, and we have agreed to leave each others pensions alone (he hasn't got one, I do, but it's small) and split the debt (most of it will end this year, thankfully).

I think we both just want to minimise the suffering, and getting along and not arguing is the best way to achieve this. Once we are apart, I don't think that will be hard.

YesitsJacqueline Wed 10-Jan-18 13:06:51

Thanks Miss! ( I've done a little name change as I have updated my account)
It's been so good talking with somebody that is going through the same thing.
Today has been very positive for me. After mulling it over most of the night (couldn't sleep) I feel much lighter today.
I have made a massive start on my job hunting and tomorrow I need to see someone about that 20 hours / tax credit thing .
Every day it gets easier. I was over all the emotional stuff months ago - it's the finances and practicalities that have been a worry .
Good luck in your new property

misscph1973 Wed 10-Jan-18 16:36:11

You are very welcome to message me if you want to talk off the board. It definitely is good to talk to someone in the same situation - I have an online friend who got divorced a while ago, and it's so nice to know I can always talk to her, she has been very supportive, but also provided constructive feedback.

It does take over your thoughts, doesn't it? I have had dreadful sleep trouble, but since I told STBXH it was over, I have slept much better!

But it helps to take action and go forward you are doing very well!

I was also over the emotional stuff ages ago, and I think once you are there, it's easier to be amicable.

Whatiwishfor Thu 11-Jan-18 21:10:37

Don't panic. My husband left a year ago, he had total control of all the finances and there are huge debts. He also left me with a 2 and 3 year old and our family pet. There was a huge nursery bill for my 2 year old that he refused to pay anything for! Our finances were a total and utter mess, honestly i was terrified. It takes time but it does all get sorted out. Have you contacted a solicitor or gone to cab? Try and think it through and sort it out in order of the importance, dont expect to be able to sort it all out hear and now, it takes a long time.
Look into getting your self financially independent and look into what benefits you can claim. It takes a while to kick in so best to do it asap. Your be fine honestly, pm me if you want to.

YesitsJacqueline Fri 12-Jan-18 09:58:05

Hello whatiwishfor
i haven't been on this thread because i have been furiously job hunting !
thank you for your support. I have a solicitors appointment booked for next weds .....i have tried citizens advice but to be honest my local branch is not much cop !
luckily my lovely sil is a lawyer and she has been giving me off the record advice and introduced me to the 'what i am entitled to' calculator. It all seems very confusing right now.
atm ex DP is being very reasonable ( i think he has taken legal advice and they have told him my rights ! ) , i am also fully aware that he could turn spiteful and refuse to pay nursery bills etc
just now i am prioritising finding a job and keeping things amicable .
tonight there is a networking event in my field of work - the last thing i feel like doing is going out on the town but i might just have to bite the bullet. Ex DP and his mother will be there as they work in the same field as well arrghhh
chin up and all that

YesitsJacqueline Fri 12-Jan-18 10:01:05

I see you were left with 2 toddlers , you are amazing and strong. I am glad things are working out for you now .
my ds is almost 4 , last night and this morning he had a little cry because he wants his daddy. I just hugged him and kissed him and told him Daddy will be here at the weekend and it will be fun etc etc
he is having a sleepover with his cousins tonight which he loves , so that should take his mind off it.
him missing his dad is what kept me in my situation the last 12 months but it got to a point i couldn't take any more

YesitsJacqueline Fri 12-Jan-18 10:03:28

my ex dp had control of everything , the house , my job , the finances , the lot .
its all very daunting right now

YesitsJacqueline Sat 13-Jan-18 09:16:27

Just an update. I went to the event last night and was offered at trial day at a job next week.
Hopefully I'll get it then I can get the ball rolling wrt tax credits etc
I still have the solicitor to see as well

Whatiwishfor Sat 13-Jan-18 10:47:37

O well done that's so great so pleased for you. x

YesitsJacqueline Sat 13-Jan-18 10:55:12

Thanks x fingers crossed for myself!

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