Husband leaving me and newborn!

[BJG19]

Hi, first post so bear with me!
Background - I've been with my husband for 8 years, we've been married for just over a year and have a 7 week old little boy.
Things have been strained for a while but I've put it down to him being stressed at work and the struggles that come with brand new first baby and a very very traumatic birth. On Christmas Day we had the whole family to ours as we'd normally be at my mum's but she has building work going on, so had a few words on xmas day - husband was miserable and nothing more than you'd expect with having a house full and a newborn. So anyway gets to late on the evening we're saying bye, made plans for a walk with family the next morning. Everyone leaves, we sit on sofa and I asked husband for a kiss and a cuddle as hasn't had one all day and he scoffed and said what's the point... so anyway I got upset by that and he started kicking off saying he hasn't been happy for months, I've stopped him doing everything (cos I wouldn't let him go to the pub on xmas morning and leave me with baby and dinner to cook!) and basically he then decided to tell me he doesn't love me any more and wants to leave... so he slept on the sofa that night, Boxing Day my mum took our little boy for a couple of hours so we could talk, nothing was resolved and I told him if he really wanted to go then he had to go and stay elsewhere cos it was too hard having him in the house so I stayed at mum's one night and he went to sisters another night and by a few days after I was really struggling with baby and I asked him to come and stay at home for at least a month til I was able to get in to a routine and manage better so all been going fine but I've felt we've opened up to each other and I started feeling we may in the future be able to resolve things... he's acknowledged that he's depressed and has agreed to go to GP. So this week he's been away for 2 days at his dad's wedding and I've had a full on meltdown, he's been all over social media looking like he's having the time of his life while I'm at home with a tiny baby really struggling. He's came home tonight and been nasty with me, for example says he might not go to GP tomorrow, I asked whether he told people we'd split up and he says no one asked where me or baby were so he didn't need to tell them. Saying I'm to blame for everything and no hope of reconciliation. Doesnt need me to care about his mental health. I'm on the verge of telling him to leave and I'll manage myself but I know I'll probably not cope and I'll end up having to ask my mum for a lot of help. I'm worried I'll push him too far when he's already in a hard place. I'm convinced that when he says he's been unhappy for months it's the depression he's been suffering with for months not unhappiness in our marriage cos we argue like anyone and yes probably more so when I've been pregnant but it's a very stressful time! As much as I hate what he's done and what he's putting me through I love him so much and I'm so concerned about him. Why I have no idea when he's being so awful! Should I make him leave? I think if he's here he'll get my support and time with his son and realise he should be at home with us but then if he's not sure he may realise what he's thrown away if he has some space from
It! Please someone help me to sort my head out, it's all overwhelming! xxx

[WitchesHatRim]

Should I make him leave?

Do you rent or own your house?

If you own it unfortunately he has every right to stay until finances and divorce are settled.

[Weezol]

I don't know many who could cope alone in your situation. I don't have any really great advice, but please call your mum and let her help you.
I'm sure someone more useful than me will be along soon

[Weezol]

.

[SleepingStandingUp]

There's no shame in having help from your family.

You said you had a really really traumatic birth - that can cause a lot of knock on effects for you both. If he was depressed before baby came it's likely to make it worse so I would try and encourage him to go to the gp if you can.

UltimAtely if he is saying he doesnt want to be with you, you can't make him.

[DunedinGirl]

He sounds like a petulant manchild. Who does that to their wife and the mother of their seven week old child at Christmas?

If he thinks he's depressed then he needs to go see a doctor. If he won't go I would probably call in support from your families. However, depression or not, his behaviour towards you is atrocious.

[BattleCuntGalactica]

Christ, the sheer amount of men checking out when a new baby has arrived or their partners are still pregnant, is ridiculous. They're like bloody petulant toddlers.

Him being depressed doesn't give him an excuse to be an unfeeling, selfish arse. He might well get out the other side of that, but he's the one who's decided he wants out, so it's not your job or responsibility to baby him into recovery. Of course it's going to be hard work, but if he's going to behave like that, then it's going to be harder work with any tantrums he might have.

Leaning on your family for support is absolutely okay and the right thing to do. Tell him to leave if he wants out. Stop being concerned about a man who clearly doesn't want to be a decent husband and father to you and your baby. You will have your hands full taking care of your little one, you don't need to be worrying about a mansized baby as well.

You deserve better than him love, bollocks to his ridiculous antics.

[Italiangreyhound]

BJG19 I am sorry your husband is such a huge arse. I am sorry he is depressed and can't figure out how to get help for himself and is using getting that help as a kind of stick to beat you with.

In your shoes I think I would do this...

-Stop looking at social media of him out, it was a wedding, he's entitled to go to his dad's wedding and you are entitled not to go (but what he said was rude and unnecessary - is he always like this?)
-Open the lines of communication for as long as you want them open, if you feel this does not resolve itself within enough months for you to move on then you look into what you want to happen next - counselling/divorce etc
-ASK for help from your mum or other relatives, what about his side of the family, how would he feel is they knew he was trying to break up from you, had depression and was not seeing a GP, would they support you

I think I would also look back at my relationship and see if this is a picture of abuse and cruelty that has run through our lives together, or whether it is just a blip. If it is a blip he needs to be finding ways to worth through this with you, get medical help etc.

If he has actually always been an arsehat and this is actually just the next phase in his behaviour, I would possibly consider taking him at his word and let him leave the relationship. I certainly would not want a man making me responsible for his mental health and using it to control you.

If he walks out on you and the new baby he will most likely regret it for the rest of his life.

But you are not responsible for him!

If he chooses to do this, so be it. You have your lovely baby and with help you will cope. Arsehats are ten a penny and if he really is treating you like shit and offering to leave, let him.

[BJG19]

Morning,
Yes we own our home but he's already left once, isn't interested in being here and made a huge deal when I asked him to come and stay to help. He's already said he has no interest in the house and will help financially until I go back to work. I'm in a position where even if he doesn't give me anything I'll still be able to keep our home with family help.
My mum has been wonderful. I don't need to ask her for help because she just does it anyway but I also have two younger siblings who are 11 and 13 so I don't want to take her away from the too much.
My mother in law and sister in law have been wonderful, both feel he needs to see GP, happy to help with me and baby and both feel he's making a huge mistake. I'm very conscious tho that they're his family and regardless he will always come first.
The wedding I understand he wants to have a good time but his Dad wanted me and baby there and the day before he went he said he thought it would be too much for him and silky me is saying we'll ring me st any time I'm always here if you're struggling - what an idiot I am!!
This just isn't like him, we've never considered splitting up in the years we've been together, I accept he may be unhappy and also depressed as two separate issues but find it unlikely that this unhappiness has all stared when he started not wanting to go andywhee ir do anything together again at the time I just put this down to stress and me struggling with the end of pregnancy and we both had bereavements in our families.
I think I've taken on too much taking on his problems as my own, especially when it isn't a two way street and he doesn't seemed concerned for how I'm coping in the slightest!

[allthegoodusernameshavegone]

He sounds very depressed, you have already said he’s been stressed at work, add a new baby, difficult birth, massive changes in life etc and it sounds like he is struggling and needs some attention and help. Once he falls in love with your DS things may change. I think you should hang on in there, you know him best. MN does seem to have a bit of a habit of man bashing and over use if the phrase manchild, but men are human, with emotions too. I say give him time. Best wishes op

[Frouby]

I would ask him to leave tbh. He is treating you like shit and you are letting him.

You will cope with the baby just fine. Give yourself a chance. It's easier being the sole carer for a baby than being in a destructive emotionally abusive relationship.

Your dh will either realise he is depressed and sort his shit out and come back. Or he won't. Either way at least you will know instead of spending months in limbo.

Also you will get more support if you split. I bet your mil and sil help loads if you split as they will be desperate to maintain a relationship with you because of the baby.

Honestly even if they don't you will cope with the baby.

Fwiw my previously lovely dp turned into a knobber when I was 8 months pg. I told him to leave and meant it when ds was 2 months old. It was the wake up call he needed. But at the time I meant every word.

[Wanderwall]

This happened to me too.

I am so sorry. I know how hard it is. You will get through it though.

My advice:

1. See a solicitor. You should be able to get an initial consultation for free.

1. Go minimal contact. The less you have to do with him, the better for your own mental health.

1. Focus on yourself and your baby. Only consider what is best for you when it comes to making decisions.

1. Lean on your family. You need support right now.

1. Prepare yourself for another woman. His behaviour is textbook for an affair. It's surprisingly common for men to do this when their partner is pregnant or has a new baby.

It doesn't feel like it right now but in the long run you will be better off without him.

Look after yourself.

[Wanderwall]

Ps definitely yes to asking him to leave. You will do better on your own right now.

[WitchesHatRim]

I would ask him to leave tbh.

Yes OP can. However he doesn't have to and if he seemed legal advice he would strongly be advised not to.

for you OP. It isn't a nice situation to be in.

[BackInTheRoom]

@Wanderwall

5. Prepare yourself for another woman. His behaviour is textbook for an affair. It's surprisingly common for men to do this when their partner is pregnant or has a new baby.

Was thinking EXACTLY the same thing.... Sorry OP. When they're not getting attention, these poor manchildren/snowflakes wander for a bit of me time. 💐

[BackInTheRoom]

Mine said he was 'stressed at work'. He was seeing the secretary so I can imagine this was very stressful for him

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

His behaviour is textbook for an affair.

It's also pretty textbook for depression and stress ime.

OP I hope you are OK.

[BJG19]

He had bonded with baby, don't think it's a PND issue, he says he wants what's best for baby and growing up with unhappy parents isn't what's best for him... unsure how he can say this when I was happy? Just shows how skewed his view of everything is at the minute.
We've already split in his eyes, he doesn't realise with a marriage and a child it's more complex than just oh I'm done see you later!
I've already told him I'm not prepared to discuss divorce yet, I've said until i go back to work after mat leave but really I'm reluctant to do anything until he's had some help with his mental health because I don't feel he's mentally in the right frame of mind to make such life altering decisions.

[BJG19]

He works with my dad so no chance of anybody at work and as for elsewhere I can account for pretty much every minute of his time each day so while I appreciate he could be having more of an emotional affair texting etc I don't think that's a problem here. He's so against cheating in any way as this is what broke down his parents marriage.
He's had 100% of my attention, I tried to involve him in every aspect of my pregnancy he came to appointments I tried to spend as much time with him as I could, I still wanted to go out and go for meals and date night. I still wanted sex and it was him turning it all down, never wanting to go anywhere or do anything, I suppose I got to the point after baby arrived where I stopped asking him to do anything or go anywhere cos I was sick of the rejection. I just thought once we were confident with baby and we'd found our feet we'd get back to normality.

[SleepingStandingUp]

He's already said he has no interest in the house and will help financially until I go back to work
He has a child. He needs to be helping put financially for the next 18 years

[BackInTheRoom]

My MIL had an affair which blew the family apart. My H swore he'd never do the same to us because it broke him but he did exactly the same. I'm reading a book atm called Parents That Cheat and the author explains how the same behaviour (cheating) gets acted out by the kids of infidelity. I hope this isn't what's happening here OP, not projecting, just thought I'd explain this myth that they wouldn't cheat.

[BJG19]

Of course he'll help out with baby financially, I mean he'll help me out with mortgage etc until I go back.
I'll have a read about it thank you, I don't honestly think he is being unfaithful. In a way although it would kill me if he was I'd have a reason to hate him which is better than being a pathetic mess trying to make him love me again!

[ChristmasTablecloth]

I would find his behaviour unforgivable op, depressed or not.

Lean on your mum, your sister in law and mother in law. YOU are the one who actually went through the horrendous birth! Prioritise yourself and your own mental health. Concentrate on the baby, ask your friends to come over for coffee, keep posting on Mumsnet.

He has been a twat - get angry if you like, but don't fall into the trap of thinking if you just do something different he will change. He will not. Better to get out now while you can, while you are still young, and have a chance at happiness with a decent human in the future.

[BJG19]

I just don't want to blur e that after everything we've been through in 8 years that he can just fall out of love with me just like that. Talk about kicking a girl when she's down! Doing that at the most vulnerable time if my life. I'm still not even 100% after the birth, just driving again and still struggling with things around the house and I'm in agony by bedtime carrying baby around he's such a chunk.
I'm just so worried he'll do something stupid when I tell him to go, even though I know in my head he caused this and this is what he chose it doesn't make it any easier!

[Wanderwall]

Try not to worry about him OP.

He's a grown man. He's not showing you much concern right now.

Get angry instead about how he's treated you. It will help you power through it emotionally.

[BJG19]

Well he's been to the doctors tomorrow and she's told him that how he's feeling is completely normal! It may well not be sever depression but as his partner for 8 years it's not normal for him! The Go surgery is one of them that I cover when I'm working as a community nurse so I know the GP in question and she's bloody useless! He still feels it is an issue that's affecting him but doesn't know where to go from here... I've suggested counselling which he was completely opposed to before but he didn't completely disregard it as an option so hopefully we could go together and work through things? It'll at least help us to communicate a bit better and going forward I'd like to be civil for the sake of our little boy.
Well I've gone through him this evening before I left, how he can try and pin all of the blame on me I have no idea, I've constantly tried to be the best partner and wife I can be, god I'm not perfect nobody is but I've tried and tried to make him happy. He's asked me if he's so bad why would I want to be with him... to which I replied that I don't want to be with him any more, I want to be with the person I fell in love with all those years ago not this nasty version who could do this to me and his son.
I've said to him tonight that I'm not throwing him out but he needs to start looking elsewhere for somewhere to live.
Even in the last couple of days he's completely changed as a person, i'm not tolerating him speaking to me the way he is anymore.
I've got my tax credits paperwork in the post today to fill out and I need to fill in the forms for child benefit.
What is fair maintenance wise? I'm off on maternity leave for the year and I'm not prepared to leave my son to go back to work early (my family have assured me I won't have to and they will support me over the last few weeks if need be as that's when I go onto unpaid leave). I've said nothing is set in stone money wise and we will reassess as we go and again when I go back to work as I will be back to earning more then but I feel we need to sort this all out before he starts looking for somewhere to live.