50/50 custody and divorce issues

[singlemum32]

I am separated (ex has filed for divorce but only the initial letter stages) and my ex husband is saying he wants the children 50/50 - i.e. a 3/4 day split or 2/2/3. At the moment he has them 6 days out of a fortnight (2 nights one week and 4 the next), but the children are already getting fed up with the constant shuffling on the weeks that he has them more, and are complaining that they don't have long enough with me. My youngest (they are 6 and 8) is getting pretty emotional at times and it is tough.

We went to mediation yesterday over the children, however he will not back down and is adamant he wants a 2/2/3 day split. I feel this would be too disruptive for them. He is not willing to discuss any finances at this stage (he is currently in the family home and has changed the locks- half the deposit was mine but i wasn't on the mortgage due to being pregnant when we relocated, previous home and was joint and jointly paid for), he does not want to sell the family home. Meanwhile i am in my parent's holiday let and need to be out by April. He earns double what I do.

I strongly suspect his motivation for being adamant that he needs the kid's 7 nights a fortnight it based on maintenance (he currently doesn't pay any) and the house.

Has anyone been through this- what is likely to happen if it ends up in court?

[Rainbowglow]

I would seek legal advice urgently. If money is tight then try Wikivorce. Going down the Court route is not pleasant. My ex started this after he refused mediation. However he eventually came to his senses when the kids became very distressed and we agreed shared parenting. There was compromise needed by us both but by and large it works.

[Whatiwishfor]

My husband also wanted the children on a 50% basis. I also felt this wasn't in the best interests of the children, esp as he cancelled on them a lot. Tbh i felt it was more about control and possibly about the amount of maintenance he had to pay.

He took me to court and i was terrified. The only interest the court have is whats in the best interest of the children. So if your children are distressed by the contact arrangements.

My solicitor didnt recommend 50% she said there had been studies done in other countries that say its not in the best interest of the children. My husband sees the children regularly but its not a 50% split, i have them far far more often.

[Figrollsnotfatrolls]

I also read a report that stated 50/50 isn't the best for dc. They need to have a 'base' home. Research this report and take it to your solicitor. And he is breaking the law by locking you out. House is joint regardless who paid for it.

[singlemum32]

Thanks. When you got taken to court, what did they order? I am scared that if it goes to court, he will be granted 50:50. I believe he absolutely should see them frequently but I really think it’s unnecessary and unfair to be shuffling them around so they don’t have a base. To be honest, I think the longer it goes on, they will complain even more xx

[RandomMess]

I know from your previous posts that your H is all about the money and not in putting the DC first. Stand firm that the current arrangement is not working and that 6/14 is too much time away from the DC at present.

Do not let him bully you into backing down.

Haven't you been the primary care giver for the last 8 years? You are married so the starting point for equity (and debt) is 50:50 regardless.

What has your solicitor said?

[Whatiwishfor]

He sees the children twice during the week for tea and one over night every weekend. He also has them half of all school holidays, this is pretty much what me and my solicitor went to court asking for.

[RoseNarene]

Your ex sounds like mine!! He has also taken control of the marital home. You are legally entitled to a set of keys but you would have to go to court to get him to hand them over I'm afraid. I haven't bothered, but then I'm not getting kicked out in April.

My ex also wanted 50/50 on the exact same arrangement that your ex is asking for. My children are 1 and 5 so their opinion was never sought.

We went to court and there was a lot of to-ing and fro-big between barristers trying to negotiate things. I went in asking for 11/14 nights with an evening tea time visit every alternate Wednesday. I ended up with 9/14 (his tea time visits were upgraded to overnights). My barrister said right from the beginning that I would end up giving 5 nights, and she was ultimately right, though i started off negotiating less of course. We went into the court having agreed it (through our barristers) so there was no questioning, cross examining etc.

The best advice I can give you is to stay in control of the arrangements. Every alternate weekend with dad plus a tea time visit once a week is the norm. Try to get that established and stick to it. Make it work so that you can go to court with that to back you up. If DC are struggling with the chaos of it all, get evidence from school (my eldest has a family support worker in school who she still talks to every week) to support your arrangement - if DC are tired / confused from all the moving around, get their teachers to record that for you. I would also speak to CAFCASS to ask at what age they will take your DC's views into account, as this will hold weight but only if they are considered old enough to give their opinion. Your youngest is definitely too young but not sure about your eldest.

If you are able to establish the arrangement you want and prove that it's working for everyone, a court will more likely side with you if it comes to it, especially if you have evidence. Like someone else said, they really only care about the best interests of the DC. If you do end up thrashing it out in court, it also helps to have evidence that you were always the main carer before the split (if that was the case).

Also with regard to court, I would advise dealing with his solicitor yourself if and when he gets one, and then just pay a barrister for your hearings. It is MUCH cheaper that way. Otherwise you end up paying upwards of £30 every time they send an email. That's what I did.

I'm more than happy to tell you more about what I went through if you need any more advice.

[singlemum32]

Thank you so much for your message.. would you mind if I private messaged you? X

[RoseNarene]

No I don't mind, I'm happy to help if I can!