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Need to get out of this, help/advice needed

(17 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

basketbreath Wed 03-Jan-18 14:08:21

I can't keep living in this horrible situation. DH is disrespectful and his behaviour unreasonable. It's gone on for year. It makes me ill. We have 2 girls 9&13. One of us has to leave. He refuses. How do I go about it? I'm financially dependent on DH and a SAHM. I don't want to leave my children or make them live somewhere horrible or far from school and friends. I have no family or friends to turn to. I don't know where to start. I need to get out of this situation.

OP’s posts: |
hellsbellsmelons Wed 03-Jan-18 14:11:08

Start with Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
I'm assuming your DH is abusive?
Are you allowed access to family money?
Can you start squirreling some money away every week?
CAB would also be another good source of advice.
Shelter could help as well.
Give them all a call and take it from there.

basketbreath Wed 03-Jan-18 15:47:31

It's not physical abuse though that has been threatened over the years. It's the constant bullying and belittling (in front of the girls to) that is unbearable. He keeps all the money and I have to ask and justify why I need it. For my own mental health I need to get away. He's trying to guilt me into not leaving because of the damage it will cause the girls. This situation is affecting them to. It's mental abuse. I've just applied to the council for housing but who is going to give me a property when on paper it looks like I have everything. Joint mortgage on a 4 bed house. He has all the savings in his name so I couldn't give those details though I'm sure down the line it will crop up.

OP’s posts: |
basketbreath Wed 03-Jan-18 16:12:49

Is there any hope?

OP’s posts: |
Onlymeeeeee Wed 03-Jan-18 16:17:17

Call womens aid, that sounds like financial abuse.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 03-Jan-18 16:21:08

There is much abuse going on here.
Please call Womens Aid.
They can help you with local support services.
Also contact Shelter and discuss housing with them.
Get services on board, you will need their support.
They are there for people just like you.
Don't minimise the abuse because he's not been violent.
It's been proven time and again that emotional abuse is just as bad (if not worse)
SS could also help you if you want to remain in the house with the DC.
EA of you is also considered EA of the children in the home.
It's all illegal!

dorislessingscat Wed 03-Jan-18 16:21:53

If you are married all assets are joint. You may have to live together while you divorce and sell the house. Can you get a job to improve your financial position?

You will also be entitled to maintenance and (probably) various benefits.

basketbreath Wed 03-Jan-18 16:50:55

It's difficult for me to get a job, my teenager has autism and when not at school needs supervision and support, I get carers allowance and they get DLA. This makes it impossible to work outside of school hours. I have no friends or family as support, DH isn't reliable childcare because of working away often. I don't want to uproot my children, the teenager especially needs as little disruption as possible. It's complicated. I feel trapped. Trapped in a big house with no money and desperately unhappy. I know there are people much worse off but I feel after putting up with this abuse for 20yrs I've had enough.

OP’s posts: |
basketbreath Wed 03-Jan-18 16:52:41

Have I got to stay here whilst I get divorced and sell the house?

OP’s posts: |
DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 03-Jan-18 18:35:13

Hi, thanks for all the advice and support given so far.

We're moving this thread over to our Divorce/Separation topic now at the OP's request.

thistoosha11pass Wed 03-Jan-18 18:50:39

I had this for 8 months. When my son started to show very obvious signs of distress (purposefully scratching himself, having the shakes, disrupted sleep) I took him to the doctor who confirmed anxiety, I got school involved to support him and then I asked my solicitor to threaten him
With an occupation order. I had the welfare of my son as a valid reason to move things on and it worked.

I didn't need to do the occupation order, the circumstances and threat was enough. He moved out before Christmas grin. Is this something your ex might respond to? Are your children suffering?

MrsBertBibby Wed 03-Jan-18 19:49:43

OP I'm a family solicitor.

You really need to see a solicitor to go through the whole situation to get the best way forward.

That said, you really do need to get a divorce under way, which you can do whilst still together. Not fun, but sometimes necessary.

You don't have to stay put while the divorce goes on, but you won't get council help with housing while you have a house, and you may well not get housing benefit to rent anywhere.

If a court is satisfied there is a risk of significant harm to the kids, (including developmental or emotional harm) then you are in with a shot of getting an occupation order excluding him.

Once things are moving you should be able to get tax credit / UC to top up your income.

Are you receiving the carers allowance and do a or is he controlling that too? Are you getting child benefit?

basketbreath Thu 04-Jan-18 09:22:30

Feeling very anxious today, just want to run away.

OP’s posts: |
thistoosha11pass Thu 04-Jan-18 09:54:57

It's really hard. Little steps OP, make a list and start at the top, it's amazing what you will achieve when you start. If you can, try and find a bit of fight. I'm not saying be aggressive but just know that you have rights too and you can and will act as the voice for your children's best interests. Good luck cakethanks

Whatiwishfor Mon 08-Jan-18 16:42:40

I received legal aid due to my husbands unreasonable behaviour towards me. I paid to see a solicitor and she suggested an occupation order and restraining order. In the end my solicitor wrote him a letter saying we would apply for both if he didnt move out so a kind of preoccupation and restraining letter. It was not legally binding but it gave him the chance to move out before i took it a step further. Thank goodness he did move out. But it has been a constant threat that he , will return, and has actually once!! Since then i have received legal aid which has been a god sense!! really really greatful to it.
I was also very financially dependent on him, but once he moved out i was able to start claiming universal credits. I do work but at much reduced hours now as i dont have the child care. Collectively this has allowed me to remain in the house and pay the mortgage, so far. There is a lot of help out there for you, it just takes time for it all to kick in and a lot of form filling. Pm me if you want to chat further.

RandomMess Mon 08-Jan-18 16:50:39

If you are being abused the council will likely award you housing benefit on a temporary basis my SIL did. Make an appointment with them to discuss it.

Blossom5 Thu 11-Jan-18 09:38:50

Really helpful thread. I'm looking at my solicitor sending the occupation order letter too. Hope it's enough to get him to go x

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