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Feeling sad....but will get there!

(1000 Posts)
Moocow72 Sun 31-Dec-17 09:18:45

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks smilesmile

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Layniboggs123 Sun 31-Dec-17 11:17:48

Aww big hugs it's the worse thing I've ever gone through. Never had a breakup before and after 16 year (10 married) he decided he wanted single life and find himself !! 5 months on n it's got easier I now dint like who he's become. Admitted eventually he was having an affair and is now with OW and playing dad to her kids . He's now living the life I wanted him to live with me and ds. But he can't keep up this act forever and u can't wait till he reveals his true self x Dogs are great mines been a star past few months xx

Moocow72 Sun 31-Dec-17 11:35:49

Hi Layni

Sorry to hear you're going through a similar thing but good to hear you are feeling so much better.

I think I would be more annoyed about OW if there weren't big problems in the marriage before she came on the scene. So I would be foolish to blame that - clearly dh has seen an opportunity for happiness and what he's felt has been missing from his life (his words). She has three kids under 10 so will be inetetesting to see how things play out but I have to resist temptation to focus on that and just concentrate on looking after myself and my dc's.

I'm sure he's all nicey nicey now but I keep thinking to how he behaved towards me at times. Would drink too much, say nasty things to me and generally just complain. Literally he would walk into a room where I was and complain about what I was watching/listening to/doing on my phone etc etc and to be honest it's huge relief to not feel that sense of dread anymore.

I'm not in the slightest bit interested to find anyone else at the moment (been together with dh for nearly 30 years, married for 18) so I just want to enjoy time with myself and develop a new life.

Hugs xx

Ilovecrumpets Mon 01-Jan-18 20:24:00

Hi Moo

Hope things are feeling a bit more bearable today. We tell our D.C. this weekend - I’m dreading it but at the same time now just feel I need to get it done. I have been at my mums with the D.C. for a few days which has been great and a break from reality really, but go back tomorrow - and the sadness and dread is really descending tonight.

I have decided to finally get a cat though ( sadly dog not practical) smile.

Good luck for the next week, I guess we all just keep on going on and eventually we will realise things have started to become easier and lighten. Strangely several people have said to me I haven’t seemed this alive in years - so I have hope that everything will eventually end up ok.

I also wanted to say the calmness and the way you try to be positive in your posts always gives me hope for myself - you seem a very strong woman, even in such difficult times. Hugs to you x

Moocow72 Mon 01-Jan-18 20:39:18

Hi crumpets

Great to hear from you again - once you've told the dc's it will be a huge relief, it's an awful thing to have to do and it broke my heart but since that day I've been so impressed with how they're coping. All I keep telling them is that I'm there for them if they ever want to talk about it or have any questions, and most importantly don't bottle anything up.

We're hear for you if you want to vent or just chat once you've told them.

Thanks for the compliments, honestly if you saw me sometimes you wouldn't think I'm calm or positive but if nothing else this whole experience is forcing me to dig deep and rise above the temptation to lash out and lose my temper with him. I've done it once or twice in messages to him and to be honest it didn't make me feel any better so from now on it's niceness and calmness all the way.

Take care xxx

Moocow72 Mon 01-Jan-18 20:46:34

Sorry crumpets also meant to add good decision about the cat. Pets are fantastic in these situations, they give love unconditionally and rely on us 100% and are such a great distraction.

Ilovecrumpets Mon 01-Jan-18 20:51:53

Thanks moo - I think telling the D.C. is the next step in accepting this is really happening. Mine are little so I just hope they understand.

I agree about this at least has reminded me I can dig deep into reserves. It has also shown me how much I can rise above for my DC ( although I too have cracked on the odd occasion in textwink). Who knows if I will manage to stay like this but I’m determined he isn’t going to get any more of my time and energy - and it isn’t as if being angry would get the response I was looking for from him. It is true that anger really hurts the person being angry most of all.

Moocow72 Mon 01-Jan-18 21:14:23

You are spot on crumpets about the anger. When I was sending him texts I was just so frustrated and wanted to get across to him how he had made me feel and how ridiculous I thought it was that he had only had the courage to end it because there was someone else in the wings.

His reply was very calm and slightly condescending so I thought "No more" and from that point I am sending him polite messages and answering any texts he sends me in a nice way (in fact sickly nice) but I know that is the way to go. Bottom line for me is that although I don't agree with some of the things he's done, I do agree with the reasons for why the marriage had to end (despite lying to myself for a long time).

Like you say as well, who knows how I will feel from day to day, I make wake up tomorrow and want to tear his head off ! But the calmer I can be will surely be better for my health and stress levels !

Shame you can't stay with your mum right up until you are about to tell your dc's, but I will cross my fingers that the next few days is as painless as possible xx

Ivyholly Mon 01-Jan-18 21:42:45

Hi all

This has helped me so much. I've spent months deciding i definitely want a separation after discovering dh had been using escorts and spending around 3000 on this during this year. He doesn't want to split and says the escorts were due to long term problems I'd failed to acknowledge but really we had lots of fun together, still had sex, just have kids and full time jobs which took my attention away from him and I think he resents that so is using it to blame me. I cannot stay with him, even tho he says he still
Loves me and that's why he f***ed escorts rather than had an affair.

We've yet to tell the kids who range from 7-19, so hugely differing issues. I want him to rent somewhere (which he can afford, the amount he's paid out for sex) whilst we work out what's best for the dcs but he has done nothing about this so I think we will have to
Tell the children before we know where he will be staying. I know it will be hard but it helps to hear how you have coped and found the strength to carry on as I'm so scared. The only thing that keeps me going with my decision is that I know if I told him I had changed my mind and would stay, I would regret it within 5 minutes.

Anyway strength and best of wishes to you both. Lovely friends tell me all the time it will get better and I do believe them, it just feels a long long way away.

Ivy
xxx

Ivyholly Mon 01-Jan-18 21:46:20

Sorry I also meant to say good decision about the cat. Walking my dog, lovely lovely friends, plus an amazing therapist have are keeping me going. The dog and I have never been so fit, but he won't sit on my lap for cuddles like a cat!
xx

Ilovecrumpets Mon 01-Jan-18 22:02:18

Hi Ivy I’m so sorry to here you are also in such a difficult situation. Wishing you lots of strength and please try not to be afraid - I know it is easier to say than do but taking small steps and not trying to sort out everything at once helps a little. And do keep posting - I would never have thought I’d have gained so much support and strength from an Internet forum but I really have.

Moo - yes I also had the patronising response and am now super polite! I think I am a little the same in that I completely acknowledge there were big issues in our marriage - I think if he had just tried counselling and then after that decided to leave I would have completely accepted it, albeit with sadness. And now I look back at and it seems equally unbearable thought to have been carrying on as we were - I now don’t know how I thought that would have been OK.

Thank you for your thoughts, thinking of you too. We will all get through this!

Ivyholly Tue 02-Jan-18 08:39:12

Thank you. I'm going to speak to my solicitor today to find out what to do if he becomes obstructive as he has in the past suggest I move out but there's no way I'm doing that. Then I will talk to him again but basically he is dragging this out and putting things off as staying put is easier than going for him.

Crumpets. I hope things aren't too bad when yiu get home-it sounds like you're doing s brilliant job of keeping going for your dc. Weather here is horrid but if your dc are small maybe put their wellies on and get outside for a breath of fresh air?

Take care all
xx

Ivyholly Tue 02-Jan-18 08:42:54

moo-interesting to hear you've been married 18 years and tugether 30. We've been married 20, together 22. Basically all my adult life. I've not been single pretty much ever! I don't know if I'd have found this easier or harder 10 years ago, but the few friends I've told are so shocked we're splitting it's really hard.
x

Moocow72 Tue 02-Jan-18 09:15:11

Hi ivy

Yes we got together at 17 as met at college. Had a brief break up for a couple of months when aged about 22 but otherwise have been together constantly.

I too have been met with a shock response but I guess people don't know what goes on behind the scenes with couples. Just because they have been together for a long time doesn't always mean they should continue to stay together (as I have discovered, one of my reasons to stay together when dh suggested was how long we'd been together but I've since realised that when I thought about it it didn't really make much sense if both of us were unhappy).

But it is very strange, my last experience of "dating" was trying to get a snog with someone when a Bon Jovi ballad came on the jukebox. Not so sure that would apply these days ?!!!

Ilovecrumpets Tue 02-Jan-18 12:14:45

Ive also been together 20 years - all my adult life! Was saying the other day the thought of dating or being with someone else is just so very strange.

But still have a lot of life left - so I agree with moo in a way it isn’t a reason to stay together ( but maybe a reason to have given counselling a serious try)

Moocow72 Tue 02-Jan-18 14:06:40

I agree with you crumpets - counselling is probably a sensible step before calling it a day.

I've had individual counselling due to having depression/anxiety for years but we never had couples counselling although we talked about it many times. In all honesty i am not sure it would have made any difference in our case but you never know so perhaps we should have tried it.

A new relationship couldn't be further from my thoughts at the moment, perhaps when the kids are at college then maybe but it's certainly not something I will be pursuing, to be honest I'm quite enjoying the time to myself as like I say dh and I got together so young that I have never lived on my own (obviously I have dc's now). I have always been one of those people quite happy to be on my own (which is probably why I was a $hit wife !!)

Ivyholly Tue 02-Jan-18 17:30:10

Completely agree; I couldn't even begin to think about anything beyond this horrid situation and the idea of thinking abut anyone else is not on the cards. I've asked dh about renting somewhere and he agreed to it but he's incredibly sad which is breaking me apart but I cannot forgive what he's done or the lack of contrition and the way he's blamed me (even though he says he hasn't meant me to feel like that). We've not had couple counselling either as initially he was anti the idea and now that he would have it, I don't want it as I'm can't find a part of me that wants to be with him.

Hope being back home is ok Crumpets.

xx

Ilovecrumpets Tue 02-Jan-18 18:04:18

We tried couples counselling a year or so ago but he gave up after 2 sessions - I think because the counsellor didn’t just believe his version of events! Also perhaps it was too late even then. He would never try again. I am going to have some more individual counselling though ( also have anxiety/depression over the years).

Pretty dreadful being back*ivy*. H doing that overly friendly approach - as if we can just still have cosy chats. Just want to get to the weekend and tell the DC now.

Hope everyone has a peaceful eveningsmile

Ilovecrumpets Fri 05-Jan-18 20:39:07

Feeling really down and stressed this evening. Telling the DCs tomorrow - I feel physically sick at the thought and doubt I will sleep tonight. My husband has refused to read anything on how best to tell them or discuss it with me, even though I have tried to talk about it with him for over a month and showed him some helpful articles. Just sitting there watching the football tonight. Insisting he will leave the next morning after telling them.

On the - well not really plus side but you know - I saw that nasty, bullying side of him again tonight, where he makes out I am the unreasonable one, speaks to me with such contempt when the mask slips. Plus last night I had a suspicion again that he does have someone else waiting in the wings. So at least it made me feel like I don’t want to be with him at all anymore. He is so hard and unfeeling - even what it will do the the D.C. doesn’t seem to particularly matter to him - just minimises it as always. I don’t even think that is a front, he has always minimised the effect of his actions on them.

I hope I feel some relief when he leaves, even though I’m so very sad for my D.C. I hope they will be OK in the end - I looked at them today laughing together and just felt like I was going to take away all their innocence and security. I am so heartbroken for them, my lovely babies.

Moocow72 Fri 05-Jan-18 20:57:49

Thinking of you tomorrow crumpets

Just reassure them it is nothing to do with them and that you both will always love them and be there for them. That's the best advice I can offer and just make sure to reassure them that they can talk to you about it anytime and that you're doing this so that everyone will be happier in the future.

I remember that awful sickness feeling too, but hang in there.

I've had a mixed week, met a friend for coffee which was fantastic as bent her ear about it all and she was so helpful and supportive and said she thought I would be ok and was doing the right thing. Felt down now and again when the reality hits and the fact that I can't help wondering if dh is seeing the "other woman" and whether anything has happened with them yet but am fighting the temptation to message him about her at all.

In fact tonight I messaged him after the youngest came home from and being at his house for the afternoon and just said "have a fantastic evening"

Sickly nice all the way !! Plus he can't prove whether I'm being sarcastic or not!

Please let me know how it goes tomorrow - will be here if you want to vent!

Ilovecrumpets Fri 05-Jan-18 21:15:43

Thanks Moo I really appreciate you replying!

Hope you have a good weekend too. It is hard that feeling that they probably just get to head off into a readymade new relationship ( I think I read that the vast, vast majority of men don’t end a marriage until there is someone else!). I guess we just need to try to hang onto the thought that we wouldn’t be happy with them.

I think if it seems that my DC will be able to cope I will start to feel like I can move forwards - or we can move forwards together even though there will be hard times. Sometimes it just feels to overwhelming lonely though - and I see my friends who are couples and think ‘why me’.

Have to say I am impressed by your uber- positivity text message! I might steal that as an approach😊

Ilovecrumpets Fri 05-Jan-18 21:17:42

And you are right - I think we will all be happier in the future. It is hard to hang onto that when everything around divorce and children is so negative. But I do think/hope that will be true for them.

Moocow72 Fri 05-Jan-18 21:27:16

Honestly crumpets give it a try, being overly nice on text messages is so strangely satisfying !!! You know they are probably thinking "she's just being sarcastic" but they have no way of telling and the reality of them feeling that their other halves are not bitter, twisted hags like they think they are is priceless !

When he walks out the door you will finally be able to breathe. Yes there will more than likely be tears and yes it will break your heart to see dc's when you tell them but after he's gone, give them a huge hug, apologise and say you love them and will do everything you can to make them happy. From then on you'll be your own mini-team who can take on the world xxx

Ilovecrumpets Fri 05-Jan-18 21:42:04

Thank you - you really have helped me this evening and I appreciate it so much. And I know you are right about feeling like I can breathe againsmile

Ivyholly Sat 06-Jan-18 00:44:56

Hi crumpets

I was thinking about you today. We told our dcs and it was awful but there is a huge sense of relief when it's done as you're then dealing with known rather than unknown fears and worries which is easier. Ours are older, but the youngest is 8 and she sobbed throughout the whole conversation, then watched tv, played Lego and ate a pile of chocolate biscuits and no more tears.

Dh being a mixture of lovely and unpleasant, and I feel like a squash ball ricocheting here there and everywhere. But I know this is right and I know it's hard but it will be better in the long run. Dh not moving out yet but just having him in the spare room, plus at his dad's occasionally, gives me a huge sense of space and peace.

I hope all goes ok tomorrow and I'll be thinking of you.

Love
Ivy
Xx

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