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Separating after 22 years, any support please?(11 Posts)
Hi, so this is the first time I’ve posted on anything like this, but I’ve no one else to talk to who may have been in the same boat and am feeling so down & kind of scared about what’s coming. Please be gentle with me!! Basically i am in the process of separating from H. Together 22+ years & 3 teen kids. I’ve initiated the break because he wouldn’t (admitted he left it til I did) and I just couldn’t keep pretending or carry him anymore emotionally/physically to the point I had a breakdown.
We are still living together at the moment due to money issues which is an awful kind of limbo to be in & I really want to get things sorted ASAP but I’m a bit scared of how. My biggest concern, probably unsurprisingly, is how I’m going to manage financially. I’m currently on a 16hr contract although can often get a few hours a week overtime. We were claiming tax credits to top us up as a couple and I thought I would be ok until I could find full time etc as long as I was doing the min 16 hrs a week, but when I rang tax cr to update on the situ (they were really kind btw), they cancelled the joint claim, went all through details to set up as single & then Said couldn’t help me as universal credit had been rolled out in my area a few weeks earlier
so now I have to go for an interview at job centre, agree “commitments” to look for more hours/better wage etc & prove I’m looking, agree to go to any interviews/positions etc that they come up with even if I don’t think they’re suitable & if I don’t adhere to any of what they say, they will ‘sanction’ me?!? The thought of it all is seriously stressing me out more I’ve no one to take with me for support, eldest will be back at Uni & don’t want to get younger 2 involved, they have enough to worry about. I’ve already applied to loads of jobs but I’m lacking qualifications & masses of experience as have been home with kids for years. I’m basically a sales asst, so could just get full time retail but at the mo everything is Xmas temps obviously & also my shifts are generally 4/6hrs each day in the mid of the day, so even if I could get an interview/second job, it would have to be very early morns or evenings, which is all doable I know, but my youngest has severe anxieties that have been made worse because of the situation & the last thing I want to do is keep leaving her at home on her own. H works nights so is either out or in bed and not exactly particularly attentive when not at work, so not much help and only other person is my elderly Dad bless him, who tends to need us looking after him now more than him looking after us if that makes sense! Sorry. Am rambling I know, but there’s so much to consider & I’m genuinely sad and peed off
at having to be in the situation in the first place! I honestly thought if I tried hard enough I could keep the marriage going but my best obviously wasn’t good enough
Anyway, I have to stop feeling sorry for myself, be proactive so I can get out of the rut I’m in but just unsure of where to start. Has anyone any experience of the universal credit interview situation etc please? Thank you so much in advance & take care x
I was made redundant and applied for universal credit. I had to attend the job centre once a week and prove what jobs I had applied for and what interviews I had been on. The job centre can offer you help with your CV and looking for local jobs. The aim is to encourage everyone in to work. I found the process OK, but I was lucky to find employment quickly after only a few weeks. The online system also sends you job suggestions that you can apply for. If you have separated, have you agreed child maintenance?.
Thanks for replying. No not yet as still coming to terms with the separation itself and still living together as neither of us can afford to move out yet. Discussed finances tonight and I’ve researched the UC process online to try and find out what to expect. I’ve already applied for a few FT positions with no luck & have requested any extra hours from my manager whenever they’re free.
I extended the term on our mortgage to help with outgoings Until we sell x
Morning, yes, we are going to try and remortgage if we can. Unfortunately his credit is not great due to Work debt :/ it will be a big help short term if we can! X
So the job centre staff were very kind and the process was much easier than I expected, although apparently a lot of that was simply because i had pro-actively filled in a lot of what was needed online. It was primarily to confirm my ID and run through my current situation/Work plans. The fact I am already working a minimum 16-20 hours means that I don’t have to keep going back to see them unless my circumstances change apparently, which is a huge relief, as the worry of what to expect had caused me so much anxiety!
I can keep try to keep looking for more hours or concentrate on study after all without too much pressure at the moment from that quarter, whilst focusing on the kids during the upheaval of the next few months! Now waiting to hear if we can re-mortgage to free up cash so that H can clear debt and get his own place ASAP!! Wish it was all over and settled already :/ atmosphere here is bloody awful & i’m Just so sad thinking about what could/should be, but at least this is one big step ticked off the list with a fairly positive outcome for now! X
Hi just wondered how things are now x
Hey thanks for asking, how’s you?
So the situation isn’t great but could obvs be a lot worse- we seem to have found an awkward semi-routine that is working most of the time in the house & splitting the school run, although I still have to remind him constantly about everything which is a ball ache. Just waiting on paperwork/bank to finish sorting mortgage- if we can clear the debt in his name, he can free up monthly cash & actually start looking to move out! I need my space, am struggling to feel at home in my house as he just seems to take up so much everything it’s hard to explain, but he’s just always ‘there’ if that makes sense. I’m not crying myself to sleep at night in the last few weeks so that’s progress! Hope you’re well x
So sorry for your situation. Living under the same roof when separated is a huge challenge. Hope you find a way out soon
Sounds difficult but hopefully we can all keep each other going. Cry if you need to I've been numb on antidepressants for 3 years I'm hoping to change this soon!
I never envisaged it would be this hard!
Keep in touch or pm me if you need a moan x
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