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Dad isn't wanting overnights?

(20 Posts)
timewilltell23 Fri 22-Dec-17 17:33:11

So my stbxh left 2 months ago for OW whom he had known 3 weeks. We have a DD and I am heavily pregnant with our 2nd.

It's been a battle back and forth about a lot but we managed to agree 2 days a week he would see DD. The plan is to get a minute of agreement in place as soon as the baby is here regarding finances and custody but I just wanted to see if anyone has had a dad make excuses for not having their children overnight? He has a 2 bed flat, has everything he could need to sort a room for the girls (which family and I have provided) and was supposed to start having my daughter overnight once a week initially then 2 nights after that. But there has been excuses after excuse, he's not sorted the room and eventually the other day when I questioned him on it again he said he doesn't think it's a good idea because he plans to move his OW in after Xmas - obviously a top dad. We had both agreed that we would look at it in 6 months time if he and ow were still together and introducing the girls. So he has said he wants to see how it goes then at that point discuss regular over nights.

My main question is, when it comes to arranging custody in the new year, how would this arrangement look legally? I personally don't feel seeing his children for a few hours a day twice a week is being a parent but I'm not going to force him to see his children. Would I have full custody but allow access? Or would this still be classed as shared custody?

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CharlieWork Fri 22-Dec-17 20:23:13

Sorry no advice but he sounds like an absolute cunt. You're well rid.

timewilltell23 Sat 23-Dec-17 15:41:31

Yup I would definitely agree. Thank you smile

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timewilltell23 Wed 27-Dec-17 12:41:08

Anyone been through anything similar?

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piknmix Wed 27-Dec-17 21:44:56

Yep. My ex has a 2 bedroomed flat 5 minutes away. Has refused to make Bedroom 2 into a room for the kids. On the odd occasion they do stay, he puts them up on a sofa bed in his living vroom. Absolutely shocking and I feel for the kids and the message he's sending them. I think he's managing it so they won't feel welcome overnight, the shit. What father does that?

timewilltell23 Thu 28-Dec-17 08:48:28

@piknmix thanks for replying. That's what I don't get, why wouldn't they want to build that relationship? Do you have a custody agreement in place?

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BattleCunt Thu 28-Dec-17 09:02:55

He's a lazy twat.

He should absolutely have overnights, he's a father and therefore has to do some actual parenting, and not just when he wants to.

sausagesandwiches Thu 28-Dec-17 09:11:39

My ex made a room for our children in his new house (5 minute walk away) then said they couldn't stay while he was renovating the rest of the house (which took him 2 years)

Then moved his new partner and her child in converting our children's room into 'step child's room'
Still mid renovation

Our children understand very clearly where they sit in the pecking order

No custody agreement in place -solicitor said I couldn't force him to have them over night -and quite frankly I didn't want to because why would I want to force them to be somewhere they clearly weren't wanted ?

ItsChristmoose Thu 28-Dec-17 09:15:31

What a dick. OP you are approaching this the right way by being open and even expectant of him taking on proper parenting. You can't make him do it though so I would probably give him his chance to step up and if he didn't, I'd cut him loose, get on with our lives without factoring him in and make him make the effort to set something formal up.

Onedayhey Thu 28-Dec-17 09:19:15

Exh did the odd overnight at first then it dwindled and now he doesn’t see the dc at all and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

On mumsnet there seem to be a lot of 50:50 arrangements or contact every other weekend and half the holidays but nothing like that for me I’m afraid.

GrooovyLass Thu 28-Dec-17 09:50:35

My ex never ever ever had DD overnight. She visited one flat of his once before he moved in and has never been to his current home. He saw her at his parents. And then expresses amazement that she went nc 18 months ago when she was nearly 17...

timewilltell23 Thu 28-Dec-17 17:12:38

Thank you all so much for replying. Every time I think I have heard or seen it all, he goes above and beyond to do something else so it's good to get some other experiences and advice.

I'm the exact same in that I don't want my children to be somewhere they aren't wanted so actually it would suit me if they don't go overnight but I feel bad for my DD that he hasn't made the effort. He's quick enough to tell everyone how great a dad he is though and how I'm difficult. He did take it upon himself to introduce his teenage girlfriend at the weekend then say my DD was making it up when she told me. He eventually confessed and said if it made me feel better they got on great - it doesn't actually, she's too young and if you don't even have any interest in her staying with you, why confuse and upset her with introducing the OW you left us for out the blue 2 months ago? DD came home really upset saying she didn't want to see her. She's only 3 and it's already a lot for her to take in.

I think what some of you have said is right to maybe just leave him to it and stop trying to encourage something that obviously isn't there. His OW is moving in January (just in time for me to give birth to our second DD) so I imagine he will be preoccupied and maybe leave us alone for a while. I'm so worried about having to stop contact because it's not a route I want to go down but it's getting to the point if he doesn't try, I don't know what else I can do to stop my 3 year old being confused and upset

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HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood Thu 28-Dec-17 17:20:32

You wouldn’t be stopping contact - he would.

He’s clearly not interested. Try to support a relationship, but be prepared for it t dwindle.

Your kids will likely be better off without him from the sounds of it

timewilltell23 Thu 28-Dec-17 17:23:49

@HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood I actually hadn't worded it like that so thank you because your right. If he can't do proper overnights then he is stopping contact. And moving his ow in after 2 months instead of building his relationship with his daughters just shows where his priorities lie

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user9217 Thu 28-Dec-17 17:32:34

Slightly different situation to yours but also have an ex that only wants DS when it suits him aka new girlfriend isn't around. Awful isn't it. Not sure what else to say but I'm just riding mine out waiting for him to fuck off out our lives don't think it will be long tbh

middleeasternpromise Thu 28-Dec-17 17:37:11

Make sure maintenance is calculated at full-time care with you irrespective of the play date offer he is carving out which will likely be a McDonalds when the OW is otherwise occupied, sad to say but you're youngest never knowing any different will be something of a blessing

timewilltell23 Fri 29-Dec-17 00:06:01

Thank you all. It's a shame to hear that this is a common thing, I'll never understand how anyone could treat their own children with so little regard. It would be better if he were to make no effort than such a pitiful one but I will try to ride it out and see what happens. I definitely plan to ensure maintenance is paid based on the fact he's not doing overnights though, he can at least be financially responsible if nothing else.

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piknmix Fri 29-Dec-17 05:42:14

timewilltell23. No custody arrangement, no. When we first separated he did have them overnight on a Saturday night and put the up on the sofabed in the lounge whilst placing his bookcases in the second bedroom. Now they very rarely stay over. He doesn't like/can't cope with the unpredictability of children's behaviours (tbh, I think the behaviour of a 12 and 16 year old is pretty predictable but never mind). I hate their pecking order as second to a load of bloody books though.

Vitalogy Fri 29-Dec-17 05:48:34

My son wasn't keen on staying over night which suited ex just fine. Fool.

timewilltell23 Sat 30-Dec-17 10:36:57

I just don't understand it. I hate when my DD stays away overnight and miss her so much so how they can just quite happily not see them is bizarre to me. Amazing who and what they will prioritise over their own children. Thanks again everyone

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