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In disbelief...

(54 Posts)
allypally11 Sat 16-Dec-17 00:58:18

My ex partner is a drug dealer, and a heavy drug user. During my pregnancy he became abusive, mentally and twice physically during the pregnancy.

Evidence I have is his toxicology report - shows heavy drug use to lighter most recent (he delayed the drug test by 2 - 3 months as well!) and he told my midwife he was a drug dealer (she is head of midwives) which is in her statement. Also evidence: he used to call the hospital, any maternal department and say I was crazy and should be locked up. He called me a vessel for carrying his child and that he will take her from me. I have this on text messages. And more.

Yet I got an email from my solicitor today that stated the judge wanted to give parental responsibility and allow contact? What the actual f? I've had social services involved, an independent domestic violence advisor...what is going on. I've left the UK to be safe from him and his suppliers AND I have a non molestation against him. I cannot even get my head around this.

I have so much more. The fact I offered mediation to his family throughout my pregnancy, and again to his mother after - no response. I met with her and she said when he was arrested he told everyone it was because I harmed the baby....
She said so many things that were lies she was told by her son, and how he was going to court to get my daughter because I was an unfit mum. I recorded the whole thing without his mother knowing so I have as much evidence because this is madness yet no one wants to sit down and hear it all and keep my child safe.
I made a mistake with him, but I don't want her to suffer my mistake.

During the pregnancy before I admitted I was in an abusive relationship I asked to have my baby adopted so that she could be safe (there is evidence of this) and yet no one seems to see that I've been concerned since falling pregnant and no one advised me on what to do just said "it would work out" - well I don't want "it will work out" I want "your daughter will be safe".

So far she is happy, learning and we are our own amazing family and I haven't looked back. I'll keep fighting for her but when I hear ridiculous stuff like this from the lawyer its like someone has punched me in the chest. How much more evidence can stare them in the face before they take me seriously?

I don't want to be in the position where they say "we made a mistake" and my daughter is hurt, or worse. Ever. I've never loved anyone more than I do her and I find it hard that a bunch of strangers listen to his lies and could put her in danger even though I present facts and evidence. I'm so saddened by this all.

LaurieFairyCake Sat 16-Dec-17 01:44:07

If you've left the uk can they even do anything ?

allypally11 Sat 16-Dec-17 02:28:49

The Hague Convention I guess after that. I do want to go back to the UK, its my home. I stand a better chance via the Hague Convention with the European Law as they're not lenient like they are in the UK with drug dealers, drug users and abusers. Its still a lengthly process he has to go through which he may.

I was meant to start my MBBS but I've had to throw that out the window for now and up and leave.

I am going to fly back for court in March, 2 days to hear the verdict then appeal I guess. Its just ridiculous they even consider people like that to potentially harm a child. Hes not allowed in 50 whole states in the US because of his charges, yet he could have access to a child? I can't believe it.

notangelinajolie Sat 16-Dec-17 03:07:23

Are you married? Is he named as father on birth certificate?

allypally11 Sat 16-Dec-17 08:38:13

Not married, never were. He is not on the birth certificate. Not 100% sure hes the dad and the other guy didn't want to do a test because hes an active part of her life and doesn't want to know whether shes his or not as hes happy with not knowing in case it changes anything.

fuzzywuzzy Sat 16-Dec-17 08:40:05

If he went to court and you weren’t there, he will have got whatever he asked for.

I imagine he has money to throw at lawyers so he’ll have had representation.

TheOtherClass Sat 16-Dec-17 08:42:09

If the other guy is an active part of her life isn't it worth trying to convince him to have a paternity test. If could solve everything. ?

TotemIcePole Sat 16-Dec-17 08:43:45

Not 100% sure hes the dad and the other guy didn't want to do a test because hes an active part of her life and doesn't want to know whether shes his or not as hes happy with not knowing in case it changes anything.

I think you need to do it, that way your Ex may be completely out of the picture.

allypally11 Sat 16-Dec-17 14:28:24

I went to court twice, third time I was out of the country but represented by a barrister and excused, and I am flying back for March 18th and 19th .
Well he's a drug dealer, he does have money, but he's also a stingy one. I know he went without a lawyer for a while I don't know if he moved the 55k out of his bank to get legal aid or not. He said he couldn't afford to do a drug test. I wish judges could just get to see everything people lie about.

I've tried to convince him! He just gets upset and says he'd rather not know especially now as he's growing a bond with her.
I also don't want to know to be honest, as I would rather tell her about both the men and let her decide if she wants a paternity as it doesn't change her life by much, the drug dealer I will fight for her to be free of him and the other guy is in her life regardless as a father figure/uncle.

I wanted to do a paternity when I was still in the UK but the courts were just slow af and I left the country now I don't even know how they'd go about it as I refuse to take her into the UK.

I'll just keep hoping he OD's or crashes and totals his car again and his time damages himself too. Yes he drives under the influence. Yet the police didn't test him as he's 30 and white. Good going. #frustrated

NewLove Sat 16-Dec-17 21:25:43

He's full of bullshit - there is no legal aid in family court

allypally11 Sun 17-Dec-17 07:49:16

I have legal aid because of domestic violence. So I don't know if he has under those same claims?

He filled out his court papers and claimed I was abusing him and my child and the judge made a hearing asap to then be told by social services that he was the abuser and they'd seen evidence of it on my phone and voicemails and had been working with me when I was pregnant to keep me and baby safe from him. He's just lying so much and it seems the courts are taking everything he says seriously and I'm just sitting here trying to prove hes lying. Such a waste of time.

He even said I was on drugs when pregnant and partying since having my baby. The barrister and judge, both women, laughed and said pregnant women have tests every week or two so drugs would have come up and asked me to do a hair strand test which I did 3 days later and it was clear. So stupid.

MrsBertBibby Sun 17-Dec-17 10:26:27

Have you told your solicitor he may not even be the father?

The simple fact is that any biological father can get PR by proving paternity, but if he isn't the father then he can't have or, he is not going to get contact, he has zero basis for hauling you and your daughter back to the UK under the Hague convention, and all these proceedings die a death.

Your daughter deserves to know who her dad is. If the one she sees now will abandon her if she isn't his, best get that over with sooner rather than later.

MrsBertBibby Sun 17-Dec-17 10:32:07

I don't entirely understand why there are proceedings in the UK anyway. If she's habitually resident in another EU country, then jurisdiction is there.

allypally11 Sun 17-Dec-17 13:45:16

I told my solicitor months ago! I have it all on email as well so even if the judge tries to have a go at me I can produce evidence that it wasn't my fault and I kept asking for one.

He cannot haul us back to the UK under the Hague Convention because we are Polish nationals and Poland will not release us regardless, they are notorious for making lengthy cases and by the time he applies for the Hague Convention, if he does, my daughter will have BECOME a habitual resident of Poland as we would have been here longer than in the UK and her influential months, months she would remember, would be here.
I don't know how a test would go about in Poland either. She does deserve to know who her father is, but only if she wants to know. Whats the point of knowing she has a drug dealer and junkie father at a young age anyway? All she has to know is daddy is very sick and lives very far away then when she's an adult she can know the truth and read all the reports and do her paternity test if I don't do one now.

She was born in the UK and was there for the first 6 months of her life, to change her habitual residence she would have to be in another country for longer, which by March 2018 she will have been and we are Polish not British regardless. I was born in the UK and raised my whole life yet I cannot get citizenship and with Brexit and all I just left because Europe has better medicine universities. Mainly Germany and Netherlands. Plus the ex is one of those "everyone should go back to their own country" types. I had to remind him the person begging was commonwealth and that was something else completely, and that he is basically telling me and my family to go home and his unborn child. That's when he said I will fail in courts because I am Polish, then he will have me sent back and he will get the child.
I spent my whole pregnancy being told my child will be taken from me and the courts won't respect me as I am a second class citizen in HIS Britain.

So I will take him to court from Poland once this is over I guess and undo any foolishness they do.

MyBrilliantDisguise Sun 17-Dec-17 13:52:23

I would take some DNA from the other guy and get it tested, to be honest, as if he is the father everything would be great and if he's not then he's none the wiser.

MyBrilliantDisguise Sun 17-Dec-17 13:52:49

I know it might be deceitful but face it, if that twat isn't the father then you're fine, aren't you?

just5morepeas Sun 17-Dec-17 14:01:29

What's the point of a paternity test?! Are you for real?!

Because, if he isn't the father you'll be rid of him forever. Why wouldn't you get one done?

Shouldileavethedogs Sun 17-Dec-17 14:09:31

So you're polish and living in Poland but qualify for Legal Aid and can afford to travel back to the UK three times but can't afford to represent yourself confused

Hidingtonothing Sun 17-Dec-17 14:13:01

Obviously it could go either way but I would do the DNA, it could be your one big chance to get him out of yours and your DC's lives forever. As things stand you're approaching things from the worst case scenario (that he's the dad) when there may be no need, knowing for sure wouldn't actually put you in any worse position would it? For me I'm afraid the other guy's feelings about finding out would pale into insignificance beside the possibility of getting a violent drug dealer out of my DD's life.

LizzieSiddal Sun 17-Dec-17 14:20:21

Just have a dna test. It should be priority for you, if he isn't the farther you are rid of him.

allypally11 Sun 17-Dec-17 14:30:42

Its possible and then if the other guy wants to know be like "did it behind your back". If he's not the father I don't want to be all depressed lol because I pray every day that he is. We only had a 2 day fling around the time I got pregnant so I'm just hoping.

If he is the father I'll just be very sad. I asked for a paternity months ago but my lawyer hasn't done anything about it.

Shouldileavethedogs - I am born and raised in the UK. I moved to Poland circa August because I found out my grandmother had two strokes in March. From March I was making arrangements to go to Poland incase she passes. I am looking after her, it's in our culture. I have never before lived in Poland and I only visited when I was 15, 17 and then in and out of Europe 18+ when travelling Holland, Austria, France for road trips with friends I'd sometimes pop by Poland. I qualify for legal aid because I was a victim of abuse which has been confirmed by social services and an independent domestic violence adviser. I have only travelled back to the UK once since being in Poland, if you have a look plane tickets are quite cheap and I was on maternity leave from my well paid job so it was hefty. I also paid a % for legal aid every month. Now I've had to leave my job, and leave the only place I have known as home. I cannot afford £150 an hour to be represented, no. I get child tax and child benefit. I have been advised I can go on benefits but I am too proud for that, I am a woman who works. I am living on under £400 a month which is only possible because I am currently in Poland where money multiplies. I still have to pay for my dogs food in the UK and her insurance, and I cook from scratch for my daughter so I have to afford to feed her. I tend to eat minimal and bland and have nutrient shakes to keep going. So yes, I cannot afford to represent myself. Not to mention I have two great guys who are friends who help financially with my daughter if I struggle and the guy I am interested in helps me with anything I ask but I am too ashamed to ask.

Hidingtonothing - You are right I have to do it. I asked for a long time in the UK and I was hoping to ask his mother but she never got back to me about seeing her potential granddaughter. Literally said "call me and we will go mediation and take it from there". She never called me. After I gave birth I asked her to come meet my mum in hope she'd then agree to meet my daughter. She said she was too busy. I just can't be bothered anymore.
If he is the father I will have to get over that guilt that I failed her as a mother. I should have known better and pretended to have an abortion and run from him a long time ago. I don't know if I can live with myself but the other option was to have an abortion and I just couldn't do that. I hate that I have that guilty feeling that sometimes I think would it have been better for her to not and am I just selfish for keeping her because I look at her every day and adore her but is it not just selfish. Did I make the wrong choice now she could be put in danger. I am so angry at myself.

WhatCanIDoNowPlease Sun 17-Dec-17 14:39:25

If the other guy who might be the father really loves your girl he would do a test to possibly put a stop to all this business. Why won't he?

Bluntness100 Sun 17-Dec-17 14:47:16

They want to give him full parental responsibility? I'm sorry and I don't know how to say this nicely but if the judge thinks he's a better bet than you, that's saying something.

When he has accused you of abusing him and your child, what kind of abuse was it? And what evidence was there? To prefer to give the dad who is a drug user and addict parental responsibility rather than the mother is very unusual indeed.

allypally11 Sun 17-Dec-17 15:00:12

He says he doesn't want to know because he just wants to help. I'm unsure if its because he might be upset that she's not his or doesn't want the full responsibility if she is his? I have no idea, I didn't really push as I don't mind not knowing. Gives me this warm hope it's him.

Bluntness100 - I have child arrangements order indicating my daughter lives with me. This is not disputed. They do not want to give him full parental responsibility and take mine, that is ridiculous.

He ticked all the boxes on the form, if you look at the form you will see what boxes there are. There was no evidence, the hearing was pushed forward asap and I had CAFCASS call me and I directed them to social services who had to again get involved and explain they were only involved in the first place due to me leaving an abusive relationship and his threats to the midwife. I have parental responsibility and I do not want to be hindered with travelling, moving around, LIFE and potentially have him take her from under the school he would have to know she's going to, this would make for a very uncomfortable life of constant fear.

MrsBertBibby Sun 17-Dec-17 15:07:57

Bluntness you really are an ignoramus.

Parental Responsibility is automatically acquired by the birth mother, the father if married to the mother, and to unmarried father's whose name appears on the child's birth certificate (since December 2003).

Any unmarried father who proves paternity through a DNA test is entitled to have him name added to the birth certificate, thereby automatically acquiring OR.

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