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Really struggling

(13 Posts)
Seekingmiracles Thu 07-Dec-17 17:50:32

Basically I've been with my DH for 8 years, married for 4. We have one beautiful daughter a d I'm currently 6 months pregnant with our son.
Things haven't been great the last few months, not unbearable just not good. I've been nagging, he's bone idle, we argue about money.... etc etc. But I put a lot of it down to hormones, the usual ups and downs of a relationship and the fact that we have had a pretty shit year with the collapse of DH's business.
Anyway after what started as just a normal argument last week escalated beyond belief to the point where he is now saying he's been unhappy for a long time. Came as a massive shock. Our pregnancy was planned, how could you plan that if you're not happy with the person you're planning it with.
We saw a counsellor on Tuesday which did nothing to help salvage things because he is so resolute in his decision.
I just can't see how he can give up on his family so quickly. Or why he couldn't have said something before he built it into such a massive thing.
I feel so betrayed. Scared for the future. Let down. And shocked at his seemingly complete disregard for our children. I cannot manage two on my own. At least not initially! My daughter has only just turned 1 herself.
I have no idea what to do for the best. He says he'll stay and support us but doesn't want the relationship side of things. I'm not sure I can continue like this, yet I'm not sure I can do it without him.

Bibbidee Thu 07-Dec-17 18:07:34

OMG you poor thing! This sounds so shit for you. Has he been distracted lately? Glued to his phone? Distant? Said he felt down?

snackarella Thu 07-Dec-17 18:20:36

Oh charming, so sorry this is going on but I would probably suggest to
Him that obvs that won't work long term and he's either in ( and trying) or out and he leaves. These halfway solutions aren't the answer and if he has any respect for you and himself he will make a decision either way.
Good luck x

Bibbidee Thu 07-Dec-17 18:52:28

@Seekingmiracles How long have you two been together?

Bibbidee Thu 07-Dec-17 18:52:59

Sorry, ignore my last post! confused

Seekingmiracles Thu 07-Dec-17 19:02:27

Yes to all of the above @Bibbidee - affair has run through my mind but I really don't think it's that. I've checked his phone also! He has a massive addiction to social media, is on anti depressants because of the events of last year....

Bibbidee Thu 07-Dec-17 19:09:28

So you're thinking he's depressed? Is he on Antidepressants then?

IrritatedUser1960 Thu 07-Dec-17 19:09:58

OMG what an awful thing to say when you are 6 month s pregnant, poor you.
I can't see how things are going to get any better when the baby is born if he is having this monster tantrum now. What kind of man would do this.
Maybe it would be better if he left, at least you could rest a bit (hugs) x

BrokenBattleDroid Thu 07-Dec-17 19:11:09

Staying but no relationship only works if you're both in agreement. Sounds like it would be torture for you and do nothing to address the bad atmosphere in the house.

Ultimatum for him - he steps up and commits to trying in the relationship (together) or he gets out and gives you the space you need to find your feet in a coparenting setup before baby comes. The latter is not the best option but it is better than him skulking around feeling sorry for himself and then deciding it's too much and abandoning you in those hard weeks when baby has arrived.

So sorry you are dealing with this, and what cruel timing on his part. It will be OK though, whatever happens you will get through it x

Bibbidee Thu 07-Dec-17 19:27:24

@Seekingmiracles Sorry OP, it seems I'm not reading your posts properly and that's rude. I'm so tired but didn't want to ignore you. 💐

onedayatatime2710 Thu 07-Dec-17 19:41:49

So sorry to hear what your going through OP, it's hard to deal with a separation at the best of times never mind while pregnant.
I'm in a similar situation in that I am nearly 8 months pregnant, have a 3 year old and my husband walked out on us 2 months ago. At first it was the chat of this life not being what he wanted anymore, he wasn't happy etc but it then quickly came to like he was having an affair with a teenager who he now publicly flaunts as his girlfriend.

I tried the encouraging him to stay for the sake of our daughter and baby and we didn't last 2 weeks because the only thing more heartbreaking than him being so selfish as to want to go after a new life and not care how it affected any of us was actually watching him do it day in and day out.

6 weeks later things are still beyond difficult and it really is the cliche of a day at a time but there are some points of out of sight out of mind. When I'm playing with my daughter or out with friends and their kids I do actually sometimes forget. I know I wouldn't of been able to do that if he was here. I too have the worry of how I'm going to cope with a new born and a toddler myself and I know it will seem so daunting that your little one is only a year old. If I could pass on any advice it would be some that I actually received on my own thread - get as much support as possible. Let friends and family rally round and focus on you and your children. You never know, it could just be a bit of a breakdown on his part just now and things might get better. But try not to hang about for that to be a possibility. You have 2 babies who will need you and you need to look after yourself right now. flowers

Seekingmiracles Thu 07-Dec-17 21:49:29

Oh @onedayatatime2710 I'm sorry you're also going through such a shitty time. Why are some men such flaky arseholes! They have everything but they can't see what they have right in front of them! Good luck to you, you will be ok, your gorgeous babies will keep you going, just like mine will get me through it.

The thought of being away from the kids hurts him, I can tell. I've tried all sorts to try and get him to see sense, but he's pretty adamant. Although I'm 90% sure there's no one else involved, it's a nagging thought that is constantly in the back of my mind.
I don't want to be with a man who is only with me for the kids, but equally I feel that he should try to give things a proper go, with the help of counselling before the baby comes. He is being so completely selfish and I just can't understand that.
I have a brilliant support network around me, thank god. I know I can count on family and friends but I want him. I want him to want to try.

onedayatatime2710 Fri 08-Dec-17 09:35:01

@Seekingmiracles thank you so much. It's impossible to know what goes on in their heads sometimes, I've gave up trying to figure it out.

It does seem very up in the air for you at the moment which probably makes things worse. I completely understand wanting him to want to make your family work but that includes you so it's in no way unreasonable to expect that he give your relationship the best chance. Otherwise it's emotional torture for you and your kids won't see the happy family life they deserve.

I won't lie and say it's easy on your own because it's not. I still get upset almost daily and the hormones really don't help. But then I just keep forcing myself to remember that I haven't done anything wrong and still every day I'm fighting to give my babies the best life possible which is more than their dad can say.

I really hope he sees sense and realises what he would be missing if he doesn't try with you but be strong and stand your ground. There's counselling, therapy etc - so many options to help you guys but he needs to want it as well. If he wants to stay then it's for you and your relationship as well, not just because he would miss the kids. Hope your doing ok today x

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