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(36 Posts)
Ivyholly Wed 06-Dec-17 23:03:16

Dh and I are separating after Christmas. In September I found out he was sleeping with other people from April-when I found out and although I've tried (counselling, lots of trying to talk to him) I cannot move on from this. We will tell the kids in the new year. In the meantime Christmas is doing my head in. Bloody happy people everywhere, snuggly jingly ads on TV, selection packs and mince pies every time I walk in the supermarket. I am not in a happy place and making an effort for the kids, on top of making an effort to not let them realise the shit that's going on with dh, is just exhausting. Anyone else struggling with the festive season?

Moocow72 Fri 08-Dec-17 11:23:47

I feel your pain totally - I love Christmas too normally but I'm just trying to focus on one day/week at a time.

We are planning to tell the kids we are separating between Christmas and New Year. My husband originally wanted to wait until after New Year but I want to tell them earlier to give them more time to try and get their heads around it before they go back to school.

Mine are 11 and 16 so not babies anymore but I still have no idea how they will take it. But we are all off work/school from the 28th until 8th so I'm just hoping it will be as painless as it can be, and that we are all there to support each other.

It is a joint decision (even though dh initiated it as I would never have done, but now I've had time and forced myself to be brutally honest with myself I realise that it is the right one) but he is the one who will be leaving so I just want to try and make sure that the kids don't blame him.

I just keep focussing on moving forward (which is why I wanted everyone told by New Year so we can start 2018 on an honest footing).

I just hope they don't take it too badly xxx

Ilovecrumpets Fri 08-Dec-17 11:42:05

Hi ivy

I know exactly how you feel as I am in an almost identical position - I actually started crying in the shopping centre this morning! It is just so miserable and exhausting and although I know it is for the best when I see my kids all happy and innocent it is heartbreaking knowing what is coming. I think it is also the sheer dread and fear of knowing what is approaching them and worrying how they will cope.

I guess we will just get through this because we have to. As I said on my thread about my birthday a good friend said to me ‘the sun will shine again’. I’m trying to hold onto that and that maybe this time next year things might at least be a little more certain.

WitchesHatRim Fri 08-Dec-17 11:49:15

Mine are 11 and 16 so not babies anymore but I still have no idea how they will take it.

I would hazard a guess that at those ages they will probably already know.

flowers for you all

ginswinger Fri 08-Dec-17 11:59:17

*Mine are 11 and 16 so not babies anymore but I still have no idea how they will take it.

I would hazard a guess that at those ages they will probably already know.*

I wouldn't count on it. I was 18 when my folks split and it was a complete surprise

Moocow72 Fri 08-Dec-17 12:07:11

I know what you're saying but I genuinely don't think they will expect this.

The 16 year old has such a busy life - school, a large circle of friends and plays for two football teams so to be honest is rarely in the same room as us at home !

The 11 year old perhaps but there have been no rows, more just a gradual phase of myself and dh slipping into our own lives - I will be in one room doing something and he will be in another. 11 year old may well be in same room as one of us at times and the rest of the time is in his room doing schoolwork or on his Xbox.

But having said that i know kids pick up on things and they may know something is "not quite right".

I just hope however they take it that we can be there to support them and that it doesn't cause them problems in the next few months/years.

Moocow72 Fri 08-Dec-17 12:09:43

"The sun will shine again" - I like that smile

Jecan Fri 08-Dec-17 17:55:08

ivyholly another one here feeling your pain and sending you flowers.
It’s just shit.

Can I ask what you plan to say to the kids? I’m finding it hard to find the right words - H has been having an affair for 18 months. Our marriage has been hard but I got married for life & have given everything to our family so to tell the kids something blah about living separate lives annoys me cause I didn’t want any of this. But I know I shouldn’t tell them anything of what he’s been up to - he’s still their father. But I hate the thought that the kids might blame me for this.

Like the rest of you, I don’t know how I’m going to get thro these next few weeks. With wine probably

ninjapants Fri 08-Dec-17 18:05:08

I'm in a similar position. DH is an alcoholic, we plan to split after Christmas. But I can't stand it any longer and want him to go sooner. Don't know what to do for the best

WitchesHatRim Fri 08-Dec-17 18:29:06

I'm in a similar position. DH is an alcoholic, we plan to split after Christmas. But I can't stand it any longer and want him to go sooner. Don't know what to do for the best

As hard as it is he doesn't have to leave until finances and divorce are settled, if you own your house.

Pancakeflipper Fri 08-Dec-17 18:34:28

We are also looking to split after Christmas.

I swing between thinking my heart will break, to total anger (I stabbed his advent calendar with the sewing scissors this week straight through a snowman - totally irrational).

We usually have a low key happy Christmas with the children and family and friends. I don't have a fucking clue how I am going to get through it without tears and telling his parents what a bastard he is.

Ilovecrumpets Fri 08-Dec-17 19:37:08

Moocow, just wanted to say how brave that is to have been so honest with yourself about the separation.

Even though my husband has had an affair there is even a part of me that recognises deep down we couldn’t have gone on.

Ilovecrumpets Fri 08-Dec-17 19:40:53


I know exactly what you mean about telling the kids - it is the bit I am really struggling with. I would never say about the affair but I’m really finding it hard to think of saying ‘we have decided to split up’ because I haven’t! I wondered if it was ok for him to say he loved them very much and cared about me but didn’t love me so was moving somewhere else, but would still see them/not there fault etc etc with me there too. If it really is best for them to present it as a joint decision - which I suspect it is - I will just suck it up and do it I guess.

Moocow72 Fri 08-Dec-17 19:55:53

Thanks ilovecrumpets

I don't feel very brave tbh but we've gone too far now to go back and I owe it to myself and my kids to see this through as calmly as I can.

Just not enjoying this limbo period where we're in the same house. I just find it very difficult. We mostly just avoid each other and I sleep on the couch (I can sleep anywhere to be honest so it doesn't bother me really). Fortunately dh has a kind brother and sister in law who live nearby and he stayed there one night last week and he is going to stay there two nights next week to give me some space.

I am just busying myself by making lists of things I am going to do to the house once he has moved out (specifically certain things that he didn't want to do smile)

Sometimes it feels surreal...

Ilovecrumpets Fri 08-Dec-17 20:30:50

Yes it does feel surreal - I also spend most of the time in my bedroom whilst he is in the living room once the kids have gone to bed. It’s horrible not feeling comftable in my own home.

Unfortunately we will have to sell the house and I’m not sure what I will be able to afford sad - so it’s bittersweet being here.

Moocow72 Fri 08-Dec-17 20:55:52

Sorry to hear about having to sell the house, that was/is still my biggest concern.

At this stage I should be able to stay in the house for a few months at least. The problem we have is some joint debt. At moment we've agreed to split it with dh paying 2/3 and me paying 1/3 because I'll be paying the full mortgage.

Of course this is all just verbal agreement for now until we see what happens. If we get a few months down the line and it's not affordable, or dh wants to get another mortgage then more than likely we will need to sell to use the equity to clear the joint debt, and then basically start again with nothing.

But I'm doing my best to try and avoid selling just because I have already looked into rental properties and I will pretty much be paying the same as the mortgage is now for a smaller house.

I try not to get too far ahead of myself though - just aim to get through the next 6 months and see where we are.

I know if we do have to sell that I will find somewhere for me and the kids and it won't be the end of the world if it's smaller or not as nice because I know we can be happy.

I guess I have my rose coloured glasses on right now, I just hope it lasts and it doesn't come crashing around me once we've told the kids and it all becomes "real".

Ilovecrumpets Fri 08-Dec-17 21:18:52

I think you are right not to look too far ahead. I find it very hard not too but it does make it all seem overwhelming. Because of where we are we would have to sell for DH to get another mortgage. I think he will want to buy in order to move on with his life and have somewhere for the kids to stay. Renting would be much higher for me too because of when we took our mortgage out. I’m also a bit worried about managing the bills plus mortgage on what is ( we are lucky) quite a big house.

You are right though even if I end up somewhere else it can still be happy. I guess I don’t want to have to go through what it takes to get there!

Sorry OP for the thread hijackflowers

Ilovecrumpets Fri 08-Dec-17 21:19:29

I actually think it is the security that I have lost not so much the house itself that I find so hard.

Ivyholly Sat 09-Dec-17 01:31:05

Thank you all so much. I'm also taking one step at a time. Deciding I couldn't stay was such a huge step I need a gap between that and telling the children.

Dh has been having sex with escorts and I can't possibly tell the children that as the youngest won't understand and the oldest will hate him and I don't want that. So what to say is so difficult. I don't want to say it's just a mutual decision because I'd never have wanted to leave him had he not done what he's done but out of a desire for him to have a relationship with dc that is probably what I will say. I will also end up probably not in my family home as it's big and the mortgage is too big for us to afford this and somewhere else. So hard knowing this maybe my last Christmas here. But I feel I'm doing the right thing as I know what he's done wouid eat away at my faith and trust in him, in our relationship and in our family life and that would turn me into someone I don't want to be.

But the sun will shine again-thank you for that.

UnRavellingFast Sat 09-Dec-17 01:46:22

I'm in similar position. Moved out a little while ago from dv situation. Christmas is too overwhelming. I want to make it ok for dcs but they are disturbed and upset naturally. They don't want to see xh and I understand why as he's being an arse to them. What a shit time for my darlings. And all the bloody cheer and cheese is grinding me down. I love Xmas normally.

Moocow72 Sat 09-Dec-17 06:13:00

Sounds like there's a lot of us going through some rough times at moment.

I don't want to get all "let's have a group hug" but I hope we can all get through the holiday period in our own way and that 2018 is a peaceful one for us.


Ilovecrumpets Sat 09-Dec-17 06:13:56

Ivy I think you are probably right about saying a mutual decision for the children. It’s so hard but my hope is that in putting them first the whole sad situation is made a little bit better and although I can’t protect them from this ( the hardest bit of the whole situation) at least I could do my best to put them first.

unravelling I’m so very sorry to hear you suffered DV.

flowers to everyone - we will all get through this somehow and there will be different but happy Christmases again.

Moocow72 Sat 09-Dec-17 08:30:19

unravelling Well done to you for walking away from a DV situation - that must have taken huge guts and if you believe in karma (I never really did but am beginning to warm to the idea) then your xh will get what he deserves.

Obviously I don't know all the details but it seems to me you've given your kids the greatest gift you could ever do (safety) and I hope the practical side of it isn't too complicated.

Take care xx

scrabbler3 Sat 09-Dec-17 20:53:12

I was in your position last year OP. We officially separated on Boxing Day but it was going wrong from September. Christmas was a sham. I hated the adverts, the jollity, everything.

But - I can tell you that I am really looking forward to this Christmas. I was miserable married.

You can get through the next few weeks and next December will be better.

Kas74 Sat 09-Dec-17 22:32:37


I have lots of sympathy for you Ladies who are trying to get through Christmas before separating. My husband and I separated at the end of September but he had told me he wanted to leave in May and we had lived together, sleeping in the same bed for the sake of the children all over the summer.

I found going away together in the holidays really hard, as I knew it was our last family holiday together but the children didn't and my husband managed to virtually ignore me for the whole time, whilst staying in a small villa.

Now my children, 11 and 8 are doing pretty well but we are about to have our first Xmas where we are not together which is understandably causing a bit of angst. I am trying to be very civil and business like with my husband and felt like I was not really missing him, but I noticed last weekend when he dropped the kids home that he has taken off his wedding ring and it really upset me. I didn't get upset in front of him of course but I was really taken a back by how hurt I felt by this.

So still some way to go for me I suppose but actually the thought of telling the kids was probably worse than the reality. Yes they were shocked and upset but actually I think they are coping with the change pretty well

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