When to tell the kids

[ChangingStates]

H and I have decided to separate, although not going to make any changes/tell children until after Xmas, 2 dds 10 & 7. We will be leaving the children in the house and moving in and out ourselves for the first few months 50/50 childcare split.

So when we do tell them how long a gap do we leave between telling them and making the move? I am thinking only a couple of days so as not to drag it out- tell them Saturday split on Monday but not sure if they need more time to adjust- or best to say it and do it. We are fairly amicable and whilst they haven’t seen a close loving relationship neither have they seen arguments so I imagine it will be a shock but hoping to minimise impact by having them stay in their home.

If you’re happy to share your experiences, or thoughts, on when to tell- and any tips on how, I’d love to hear it, am coming to terms with the split but really dreading telling the kids and the impact on them.

[ChangingStates]

Bump...

[misscph1973]

Tell them sooner rather than later. I wanted to tell ours (10 and 12) as late as possible, bu STBXH convinced me that they needed time to adjust so we did, and he was right, they have taken it very well as we have shown them that we are not fighting (at least not anymore than we used to). We told them 4 weeks ago and in the new year we will look for new rentals for both of us.

[Gem2018london]

Wow, this sounds really amicable. It sounds like you're already approaching this with as much caution and planning as you can so well done for that.

I know it's cliché but children do pick up on more things then you realise, it may not even be that much of a surprise to them. As another post mentioned, sooner is better rather then later and after xmas may be a good idea. Once they realise you're separating it's probably best not to leave it too long before one of you leaves as it may feel tense for them in the house. Just carry on with what you're doing regarding the amicable side and appear 'friends' in front of them. Good luck on your new chapter :)

[ChangingStates]

Thank you both for replying, I am so worried about getting it as right as I can for them!

Missch 4 weeks sounds like a long time, good to know kids can handle it, think I’ll up the amount of time we are giving them from 2 days to a week.

[plasticcheese]

Mine were similar ages and in the end they had over 6 months from when we told them to moving out. The longer the time the better, especially if they can then see you both being amicable towards each other. With hindsight 6 months was far too long, but I would say a few weeks would be good if you can do it.

[Kas74]

Hi

My husband and I knew for months before we told our children, DDs 10 and 7 at the time. We had not been arguing so it was a shock to them but I felt it would be confusing if we said Daddy is moving out but then he didn't actually go that day, so he went straightaway. I took the girls out after we told them so they didn't have to watch him leave and he left them both letters.

They were v upset but we told them on a Saturday morning and they went to school on the Monday as usual. My younger one has been quite matter of fact about the change, my older one asked lots of questions and keeps saying that she doesn't understand why Daddy has left us and said all she wants for Xmas is for us to get back together.

However two months on they are coping pretty well and we gave decorated our Xmas tree together this evening and they seem quite happy, even though this first Xmas after separating will be hard for them I think.

Hope that helps you x