Separation - I just feel like I can’t do this today(3 Posts)
I posted a few weeks ago about my husband telling me he wanted to separate. As others suspected he admitted last night he had had an ‘emotional affair’. He is leaving after Christmas. I have two young DCs, 5 and 3.
In some ways since he told me I have felt liberated as I can see now how unpleasant he had become to me - treating me with contempt. He seems to blame me completely for the end of the relationship - I’m lazy etc. I know that is no way to live.
Last night and this morning though it all just feels too much - I look ahead and think I can’t do this. I know I have to but it feels impossible and so lonely. I have no family near by and my friends have busy lives. We only have our house as an asset and my pension - I’ve looked and I can’t see much that I can afford where I am. I am the higher earner as he took time out to follow his dream whilst I looked after the kids and worked. And life is just going to be so hard and a struggle ( I do know it is for lots of other people and I have been lucky so far). I looked after the kids of my own for most of the time until last year whilst he followed my dream, so I know how unrelenting and lonely that can be. And I’m so worried for my children and what this means for them, it’s breaking me. And not being with them every day.
Sorry this is so long and rambling I just feel overwhelmed.
Of course it's hard and overwhelming! It's supposed to be, but please know it gets better!
ExH and I separated 18 months ago, when dcs were 4 and 5. What was helpful at those early stages was to focus on the practical stuff. Once that was clear, it was easier to plan/dream/start to work on a vision, and tackle the negative voices in my head.
Of course you need to grieve and mourn your relationship too! That takes time too!
If you are yet to speak to a solicitor, get a consultation booked in.
As for not seeing your children everyday, yes it's tough AND it is a lot more common than we think. Even when married, there were times when I didn't see them for days as I was away on business trips!
And now, I cherish my "me time" more than ever, use the time to connect better with myself & friends, and as a result, I really am a calmer, more fun, more present mama when dcs are with me. It's 9.30am on a Sunday and I'm still in bed...reading! Might even drift off for round two!
As for my dcs, they have gained a dad who now makes plans - takes them swimming, to parks etc. All the things I'd begged him to do so I could get a break when we were together!
My point is, try to consider what the silver lining could be. If you allow yourself to dream more and visualise the positives, you'll have an overall better experienced as you ride the waves.
Hang in there. You're not alone...xx
Thanks captain you are right and deep down I think I know I am not cut out to be a single parent full time. So I can see the break from the kids may be a good thing in lots of ways.
And yes to him having to be a dad who is present - I really hope that happens.
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