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When it's acceptable to divorce?

(13 Posts)
isittooearlyforgin Sat 02-Dec-17 23:33:19

My husband and I haven't got on for a long while. We are amicable and we don't argue. We haven't had sex in over 2 years. I don't want to meet anyone else. I'm not sure what benefits there are to divorce considering we have children and divorce always impacts on them. I am not miserable and have a life outside the family. The things that annoy me would stay the same if he weren't here ( absentee parent in attitude) so is it worth putting everyone's life through upheaval? Any one have any experiences which confirm or contradict this?

OP’s posts: |
UnaDiscamus Thu 07-Dec-17 02:39:36

Divorce is really horrible. If at all possible please try to avoid it.
If you have children then really I wouldn't consider it in your situation.
I'm divorced, and had good reason to, but now, years later when I see the harm it did to my children I bitterly regret that I didn't stay for their sakes.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand Thu 07-Dec-17 03:00:42

Divorce is horrible but by staying you are risking your son copying you and staying in a dysfunctional relationship in future. It can't be fun for your son to live with 2 adults who don't get along. People always say that the kids don't know but depending on age they at least sense it and at worst suffer mental health-wise.

ValarMorghulisss Thu 07-Dec-17 06:16:41

What Jaime said^

I didn't want to teach my kids that it's ok to settle for a mediocre relationship. It wasn't easy for them when me and their dad divorced, but I'm sure it's better than the damage that would've been done had we stayed together for their sakes.

winters123 Thu 07-Dec-17 09:28:48

I'm in a very similar situation and the last time we had sex was 2014. I don't feel I love him anymore but we get on fine and as a family are good, have fun days out etc, we have 2 young children. He still loves me and I've told him how I feel but he's happy to carry on as we are. If we separated we'd lose our home, children would have to move schools etc and same as OP I just don't know if I can put everyone through that for the sake of me not being 100% happy. sad

lilli30101968 Thu 07-Dec-17 12:54:04

I have been on that situation since last year wanted a divorce but he does not I dont see him much for the last 6 month. I always morn for the years we have been married that we dont spend enough time when the second one was born everything change he started going out by himself is gone worse he comes and go few days or come late everyday we dont spend time as a family any more no talking much we talk through it but no change so far . We havent had sex for the last 6 months . I Am worried about the children 17 and 13 more the younger as a girl she is more aware whats happening .
My feelings for him has change I dont want my kids to specially my son to think that is normal for him not to follow his steps later in life . Its very difficult situation i dont want kids to suffer but I am suffering inside me and its not fair on anyone but what to do ?

UnaDiscamus Thu 14-Dec-17 16:22:53

Your children's needs are paramount.

UnaDiscamus Thu 14-Dec-17 16:25:08

I disagree.
The couple in question are amicable and don't argue.
Put your children first, at least while they are children.
Divorce is catastrophic for children.

wonderwoman23 Fri 15-Dec-17 08:02:54

My parents stayed together for the sake of us, her children and I knew from a young age they were unhappy and I resented them staying together especially my Mum. I would not want my own children to think it's normal to have parents still together and unhappy. I agree that divorce/separation impacts children but surely living a lie is worse for them?

Oblomov17 Fri 15-Dec-17 08:18:23

Are you actually unhappy? Yuh say you are amicable. But then you say you don't get on. Which is a bit confusing.

Ilovecrumpets Fri 15-Dec-17 08:51:49

My mum also stayed in an unhappy relationship for us children. My father died last year and she bitterly regrets it now. As children it was never a happy household, I remember how oppressive it felt even from a young age. Would it have been better if they divorced - I don’t know, but staying together unhappily definitely does impact children.

I married someone very similar to my father ( I now see) and have in many way a mirrored my parents relationship. My sister also did. Sometimes I do wonder if that is because of the relationship I witnessed growing up. Maybe not. We are now separating ( not my choice) and I worry for the kids. But I don’t think staying together is necessarily better for children.

Ilovecrumpets Fri 15-Dec-17 08:54:51

wonder I think you are right - as a child I could sense the underlying lie.

Whatiwishfor Mon 22-Jan-18 10:33:28

Tbh i dont think its the splitting up thats actually the problem its all the animosity and negativity that can come with it. My husband left a year ago, my children are now 3 and 4. My husband whos now living with another woman is a total nightmare and causes a lot of unnecessary stress, eg refusing to return them, giving the children conflicting advise etc etc. I am of course not perfect but i try hard not to get involved in all the negativity etc etc. But this is the actual bit that effects children not the separation it self, kids adapt well.

If separation is something that you believe will eventually happen regardless i would personally go down the route of least distress. Is leaving something till later thats painful be less painful or alternately more as it then carries more baggage.

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