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There is no easy option(13 Posts)
I need to talk this through with some people and can't do it with anyone IRL.
I have been with my husband around 14 years and married for about 4. We have 2 children.
He is a good guy, caring, compassionate, supportive and a brilliant dad. But I am struggling. I have changed so much over the years and I'm just not sure I love him in the way I should anymore.
He's done nothing wrong, I've just changed I think, and over the years we've become more like best friends. There is not much sex, and I don't find myself wanting it often either and when we do do it, I'm just not that Into it.
I feel quite stuck right now. Things aren't awful. We have a nice house, jobs, 2 wondeful kids, and we are happy, to an extent. But it's more like 2 friends living together. Do I just suck it up and accept that's the way it's going to be? Or do I contemplate a separation. Neither is an easy option, and I have no idea what to do.
I think you need to go to counselling either as a couple or separately to work out what it is you both actually want and whether you both want to work at it.
You have to ask do you really want to be in a relationship where one or neither of you are truly happy?
I think you need to put some effort into your relationship. You married this man and had two kids with him, you're not supposed to be able to skip off just because things have changed a bit. Your vows weren't 'for better, for worse, but definitely not that bit in the middle where it's ok but not perfect'.
I'm not entirely sure it's anything counselling could fix although I'd be willing to consider it.
I have been mulling this over for quite some time. And the effort is there, we are carrying on as normal, we spend time together, go away, go out, do family things etc etc.
It's not that there is anything majorly wrong, it's just that feelings have changed. I think I've seen it coming for a quite a while now, but I want it to work, so I have just carried on. Can those feelings come back?
I have been trying to make more of an effort in the bedroom as I know this bothers him, but how do you make yourself feel something you don't?
What made you fall in love with him? How do you get back there?
HI @chasingrainbows10. Just wanted to say you have my thoughts as I have been in your situation. There is no easy answer I'm afraid only you can tell if you are happy to continue as things are. Perhaps try some solo counselling first - they can help you deeply asses your own feelings first - before involving your partner. If you do open up to your partner be prepared for anything. Consider how long you have felt like this - are there any circumstances that led things to change? Can you make more of an effort with your partner - and do you think that will help your feelings for him to return??
How will a separation affect your children?
Think about them.
This is not a reason to get divorced over. Things can change, love is a choice.
Decide to act more loving, the feelings will likely come back.
Divorce is a horrible, ugly, painful thing, for everyone involved, especially the children. Don't do it, if at all possible.
I was in a similar position.
Counselling helped me to clarify what the decisions that needed to be made were, and what consequences there would be.
Our marriage is better now that we have our own rooms. For health and other reasons intimacy in the bedroom is out of the question right now. I’m at peace with him possibly deciding he wants more or different, but I’m also at peace with my decision to continue to live in the same house and share parenting. It’s not awesome, but it’ll do for now.
I think solo counselling could be a good idea initially.
I fell in love with him over time I think. We got together very very young (me - 15 him - 18) and I also had children very young also. So I think essentially if we hadn't had the children so young we would have gone in our opposite directions naturally.
I think that may be the main issue, that we have gone over the natural years of changing as people, but together. Plus as parents and over the years we have just grown apart due to this.
We have stayed together because we both want the nice happy family with 2.4 children. But I'm not sure deep down essentially either of us still feel quite the same as we did as lovestruck teenagers.
I have massively thought about the impact on the children. Hence we are still here, and I would want to do it all right.
I would love to figure it out and make it work. But I also don't think we both need to stick around with eachother if we aren't fully happy, as that doesn't teach the children anything either. Thy have 2 loving pro-active parents and that shouldn't change whether we are together or not.
@Chasingrainbows10 Before you decide anything, please read some of John Gottman's books. Go google his credentials and watch some of hid YouTube vids. Here's one of his books but he's written lots more:
Have a good look at this site too. Read up about the basic concepts:
Thanks for the recommendations I will definitely give them a read.
I don’t want to make any rash decisions but just needed to air it out loud. It’s so lonely keeping it to yourself and not being able to discuss it with anyone.
Thanks for your replies everyone.
Chasingrainbows10 my situation is the same but I have 5 children. He focused on work an awful lot the last 10 years and I've been lonely and alone alot of the time. I realised last Xmas I was unhappy and we had nothing aside the children in common and it's been a year of hell trying to go with my gut. I've filled a divorce and he is ignoring it. It's the most painful thing in the world but counclling has helped. I think I still have more of the worst to come it's pushed me on every level and every day I've questioned my choices. Esp because of the children. I have to hope my future and theirs will be ok x
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