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Did anyone go to brink of divorce/actually get divorced but then reconcile?

(14 Posts)
FriendsFriendsFriends Mon 20-Nov-17 00:10:53

Just that really, I’d like to hear your stories if you got back together after divorce or at the very last stages of it.

I’ve got to make a decision as I have the form to apply for the Absolute that my solicitor is phoning every other day for, I was supposed to return it a month ago!

No specific reasons for the divorce in the first place, neither of us cheated and he was never violent or aggressive at all. He took me for granted (massively, over a period of many, many years) he was never here, I was left to parent the dc almost completely alone, I never had any help with cooking or cleaning even though he had very high standards and opinions on how tidy the house should be. He could say mean things at times, too. But then I got depressed and completely retreated away from trying so things came to a head pretty quickly. I was a stay at home mum with very little reason to visit the outside world and it just festered.

We’ve been separated for 14months and I have been surprised at how he’s stepped up with his house and the dc. He’s actually really shocked me, literally all of the above doesn’t seem to apply anymore.
In turn, I’ve got a job and am doing a lot better. I’m happy with running my house the way I want and at my leisure.

We first slept together about 4/5 months ago, it just sort of happened after the kids went to bed one night. It didn’t happen again for a while and we just brushed it off at the time.
But things have changed and for the last month we’ve been seeing each other as much as we can (completely hiding it from anyone, haven’t told a soul, and have kept conversation around the kids to pretty much yes/no iykwim)

I love him, I never stopped, but I don’t know where to go from here.
Do we stop the divorce? I don’t think we’ve been apart long enough to make our new habits permanent so there’s a chance we’ll fall back to square one quite fast, although I do feel that I’m not the meek servant I once was.

I have said that I wanted to go ahead with the divorce, I think it would take the pressure off (of having the date that the nisi expires looming over us and having to make a snap decision) and we could be free to make simpler decisions and take it slow. Then if we did decide that we were ‘there’ we could elope with the kids and have a simple shoestring wedding that’d be cheaper than a second divorce (obviously already paid for this divorce, whether or not, now)

I’ve put all of this to him and he’s not really coming back with much.
Theres other stuff to consider, his family turned on me when I told him I was leaving him, we’re on ok-ish terms but not close anymore. I’ve lost friends who I don’t care to reconnect with, whatever happens, due to gossiping and backstabbing. His best mates wife is an absolute peach and I’ve told DH that I will not be socialising with her if we do get back, I may have trouble keeping my drink in my glass and not over her head.

Does anyone have any advice, experience or another perspective they could share?
Please ❤️

FriendsFriendsFriends Mon 20-Nov-17 00:16:29

Gosh that’s quite an essay! I’ve just realised how long it took me to write it with all my messing around editing it and then remembering other stuff, I’m off to bed now 😴

CotswoldStrife Mon 20-Nov-17 00:38:44

You sound very impulsive OP, I would think it's very unusual to be insisting on going ahead with a divorce yet planning a possible remarriage at the same time. I think you should give very careful consideration to the 'other stuff' you mention, as they could well affect the relationship going forward. I would have great difficulty trusting someone who had previously left a member of my family tbh.

I hope you can come to a result that is right for you.

FriendsFriendsFriends Mon 20-Nov-17 00:51:28

I’m not impulsive at all, my marriage effectively went down the toilet around 8 years ago yet I only left him last year after much to-ing and fro-ing.
The thinking about remarriage is only that, thinking. It wouldn’t be immediate - if it was in the offing at all - I’d personally be happy to live in sin.
It was him who brought up wanting to be married, he is traditional in that respect. If we did fully commit to getting back together (having got divorced) he would probably want to get married fairly fast. He has said getting re married is something he’d want. I’d be the one putting the brakes on.

FriendsFriendsFriends Mon 20-Nov-17 01:14:29

I don’t want to call off the divorce only to find out that we really aren’t compatible after all and have to start again - our fairly amicable divorce has already cost me over £2000 and he hasn’t got his final bill yet.
But if we get divorced, can we go forward? Can we get over the family issues. He’s very concerned with what others think, that has always driven me mad! Last night he said But what will people think? about five times and I nearly blew a fuse in the end as it’s nobody’s business but ours. And the gossip will die down fast, we aren’t the only people round here to do this as it happens.
I really need to decide what I’m going to do about the form for the absolute as my solicitor will be badgering me about it. And it needs sorting anyway, I feel like I’m in limbo and my life is on hold whilst this gets ironed out.

annandale Mon 20-Nov-17 01:23:13

I feel pretty confused and I'm not living your life!

How about not doing anything for a while?

He may be concerned about what other people think, but you seem to be about to get divorced because your solicitor is hassling you confused

As I understand it, you are still married. A decree nisi is a stage in the divorce in that the court sees no reason why you can't get divorced, but you are still married at the moment.

How about contacting your solicitor, and asking to pay your bills up to date? I'd imagine that would stop so many contacts. You will need to apply for a decree absolute within 12 months of the decree nisi if you don't want to have to make extra explanations, but tbh if I were you I would just STOP everything and think. You could always apply for a decree absolute in the future and I think you can just answer the court's questions as to why you delayed, so it's no huge barrier.

I don't think you should get married again (especially as you still are), I don't think you should rush to live together again, how about just staying exactly as you are, exploring a new relationship, which every couple has to create a few times in a lifetime anyway.

If he goes on about what other people think, ask him what HE thinks.

MrsBertBibby Mon 20-Nov-17 08:58:26

Have you told your solicitor what is going on, and asked for their advice? That would be the best idea, surely?

FrayedHem Mon 20-Nov-17 09:48:14

My parents had a very acrimonious divorce when I was 9 only to reconcile a year later. My dad had returned to look after my brother and me as my mum was v unwell (Mental Health). They remarried when I was 17, split 2 months later then got back together again then split again after a year. My dad started divorce proceedings but had issues with his solicitor and it died on its arse. They reconciled again when I was 20 and stayed together for another 7 years before splitting again. They've been separated for the last 13ish years. They won't divorce now for financial reasons.

They couldn't let go of past issues. Are you sure your H won't fall back into his old ways re housework etc? Can you let go of how he let you down before you separated? Will you feel duty-bound to stay even if after a while you are unhappy again? From your OP it seems you felt way down the list of priorities - with his concerns over "what will people think" has that really changed?

FriendsFriendsFriends Mon 20-Nov-17 11:46:45

Thanks frayed,
I’ve thought long and hard about finding out after all that we aren’t capable of being together and having to do this again, I cannot do that to the kids. Although our divorce has been amicable and the kids seem largely unaffected and have adjusted well.
I’ve wondered about if I’d have the heart to leave him again or if I would just stay and be unhappy, and I’d probably stay.
My mental health is much better now, I don’t believe it was ever bad enough that he’d stay/return out of pity or because he thought the kids would be neglected.

I’m not basing my marriage on if the solicitor is badgering me, yes it needs sorting - but because I just feel like I can’t move forward. I need to buy stuff for my house but don’t want to waste money if it’s going to go for peanuts on eBay this time next year because we’re moving back in. It’s big stuff like large furniture and sofas that aren’t cheap. And decorating. I’ve already spent a small fortune on the basics. That may seem daft to some but I just feel moving in any direction at the moment is either futile or going to end up in a monumental waste of money.
And I’d just started thinking about dating, there were a couple of people who’d shown interest who I’ve had to shut down now cos I don’t want to do anything that would jeopardise whatever the hell you’d call this. Although dating was never top of my tree, it might have been nice.

FrayedHem Mon 20-Nov-17 19:52:30

I'm not surprised you don't know what to do. One the one hand he is very keen to get remarried but on the other he is agonising over what people will think about you reconciling. I may be way off the mark, but I wonder if you want him to be a bit more keen to be with you "fuck what anyone thinks I want you forever" whereas he is waiting for you to persuade him that you're all in. So how much has really changed since you separated? You've both improved your own lives - he's a more active and engaged parent and you are working and feeling better about yourself - but when it comes to the inevitable compromises that life flings in, how's that going to go?

Wishingandwaiting Tue 21-Nov-17 14:47:54

*I’ve put all of this to him and he’s not really coming back with much.*

And there’s your answer.

ramblingroses Wed 29-Nov-17 04:51:48

No. For many reasons. Patterns repeat. Fresh start. A new you.

MiracleCure Wed 29-Nov-17 05:27:36

I’m reading with interest because this could have been me in terms of our behaviours: he has stepped up, taken responsibility, is hands on and far, far more appreciative EXCEPT that I no longer even fancy him, let alone love. For me the live has changed and he’s more like a brother or kindly uncle. The spark has been elsewhere.

Consider keeping the two aspects separate - the housekeeping side and the sex side. Proceed with the divorce but understand that the atttraction may not last. As a PP pointed out, the bit that screams alarm bells are

MiracleCure Wed 29-Nov-17 05:29:30

Whoops. Sorry -

The worrying part is about you having put it to him but his “not coming back with much”. Where is your sense of self-worth? He should be falling over himself to have you back!

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