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He wants to try and get better...

(22 Posts)
niteandfog Sat 18-Nov-17 07:28:30

So I told H a couple of days ago that I wanted a divorce. We have no shared interests and let's say he doesn't treat me that nicely.. He says he'll change. But I don't want to try anymore. Plus, I don't think I love him anymore (definitely not want him).

I said I'll wait to make up my mind aft getting some counseling. In the meantime we're going to have a "normal' life.

He also says that if we divorce I can't live in the house anymore as it hurts him too much (understandable). He wants to keep the family home, which is fine by me as it all.goes to our daughter, but I need a deposit to buy a house for myself... That's the part I truly don't get, but I want to me this as amicably as possible.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Sat 18-Nov-17 07:35:29

Just get your head down and crack on with the proceedings. If he wants to change he can change but ultimately if you don't want him then your marriage is over anyway.

Do you have to live in the house with him while proceedings go through, could you proceed with your own house purchase in the meantime? What are you doing about finances?

niteandfog Sat 18-Nov-17 07:41:40

We don't have real savings. We have a car that we would have to sell and that should pay all debts and leave some leftover to buy two other cars.

Our main asset is the family home. Which he doesn't want to sell. He would stay in it. I'm in principle ok with this, but I need a deposit to buy my own place. So I would think, I need to get myself out of the mortgage, declare that I have x% if the current equity, somehow withdraw some of that % and with that pay the deposit for a new house.

Sofabitch Sat 18-Nov-17 07:43:25

Unless he remarries and then the house will go to his new wife...

Don't be a martyr you can have your fair share of the house amd still be amicable. Why doesn't he move out if he is uncomfortable? Get some proper legal advice

niteandfog Sat 18-Nov-17 07:46:22

He won't move out, because I'm the "unhappy" one, the one who wants to leave.

Sofabitch Sat 18-Nov-17 08:01:23

Sounds like he plans to be anything but amicable.

Please get legal advice

rizlett Sat 18-Nov-17 08:02:11

It doesn't really work like that though op. The blameless one doesn't get a better deal. [Not that he is blameless either - it takes two to make it work and two for it not to work.] He can't penalise you because you are facing reality. [or play on your guilt so that he can get a better deal.]

Your marriage is over - therefore you both need to move on from a level playing field. [he could be with someone else within 2 years and still living in the family home.]

It's time to sort out your finances equally and if that means selling the house thats what needs to happen.

You are allowed to move on with an equal and fair share. Get legal advice asap.

niteandfog Sat 18-Nov-17 08:13:19

Yeah, I'll speak to someone on Monday. I've read about the referred Mesher order. I understand it would be a similar arrangement. I'm also having an affair that nobody knows about it and for our kids (we plan to try things out post divorce) I want a low profile super easy divorce.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Sat 18-Nov-17 08:16:47

In order to get a deposit for you to put down on a new home you are going to have to sell the family home aren't you? Because you don't have any other money to use?

If he doesn't want to leave it he doesnt have to leave it, providing he can buy you out so that you can also have a home. Everyone has to be housed, not just him.

And I agree with a PP who said he's most certainly not being amicable. Amicable would be him finding a way for you both to be housed, not saying he's not leaving because you're the one who wants a divorce.

Have you taken any legal action yet?

robinR Sat 18-Nov-17 08:34:11

If he wants to stay in the house then he needs to buy you out.

Get legal advice

MaidenMotherCrone Sat 18-Nov-17 08:34:28

I'm also having an affair that nobody knows about it and for our kids (we plan to try things out post divorce) I want a low profile super easy divorce.

Throws a slightly different light on thingshmm

I think you have your head up your arse are going to be disappointed.

robinR Sat 18-Nov-17 08:35:47

Oh fuck I missed that bit.

Forget the whole fucking thing OP. This will get super messy super quickly.

niteandfog Sat 18-Nov-17 09:08:00

The affair is just a matter of timing. I've thinking about getting a divorce for years now... The guilt to some extent gave me the courage to finally say I've had enough. What we've mentioned is that he can get a personal loan and buy a % of the equity that way, that will give me some sort of deposit and so I don't waste my money in rent.

MaidenMotherCrone Sat 18-Nov-17 09:28:54

Do you honestly think when he finds out (which he will) he's going to want to do anything that will facilitate your happy ever after relationship with this new man?

I think you need to brace yourself for the shit storm heading your way.

niteandfog Sat 18-Nov-17 09:35:58

But as far as I know... Legally he can't take away the 50% of the assets from me, even as an adulterer. I don't want any of his money, I'm very self sufficient and worst case scenario my family will always help.me

NC4now Sat 18-Nov-17 09:40:04

Can he remortgage to buy you out?

niteandfog Sat 18-Nov-17 09:45:55

NC4now i suggested that but he seems to think it's a bad idea.

robinR Sat 18-Nov-17 09:51:13

You need lawyers and a financial settlement. It won't make any difference who did what except that he's hardly going to want to play nice once he finds out about the affair

rizlett Sat 18-Nov-17 10:01:36

he's hardly going to want to play nice once he finds out about the affair

It certainly sounds like he's not playing nice already.

Put your tin hat on and brace yourself for the mn storm op.

Irrespective of who's done what - you are probably entitled to half the assets. Remember it's not your responsibility to come up with a way to help him release your equity.

niteandfog Sat 18-Nov-17 10:07:13

Yeah I know that even if he never finds out... He'll be nasty about the money. He's always claimed my family is wealthy so they can always bankroll me .

NC4now Sat 18-Nov-17 11:48:37

He thinks it’s a bad idea because it means he has to pay more to stay there. But unless he has savings equalling half the equity in the home, he’s going to have to borrow it from somewhere if he wants to stay in the family home.

WasDoingFine Sun 19-Nov-17 08:18:42

Who will the children live with? So far you haven't said anything about your arrangements for them and that could be the decider in the Courts view

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