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Need to leave but have no where to go.

(6 Posts)
happyclapper Mon 13-Nov-17 12:48:19

Have finally come to the end of the road with DP and need to leave for sake of D'S 15 and 10.
We have struggled on for years and have been fairly happy but can no longer cope with DP temper and verbal abuse.
Been heartbroken at the thought of splitting the family up but have done all my crying over the years and now feel strong enough and need to take action before D'S are exposed to more upset.
DP thought I would never leave as I only have a small income so would not be able to afford to move out . I have no clue how these things work but I know that there is a lot of knowledge and experience in Mumsnet land that could help me. Have been on the council housing website and registered but found it useless.
Have got appointment at Relate as well to try and improve a communication at least to a point where we can talk.
Would be so grateful to hear from anyone who has been through a similar situation or who could give me any advice.
Thank you in advance.

OP’s posts: |
rightsofwomen Mon 13-Nov-17 12:53:52

What is your current living arrangement? Home owners, rented and whose name on things?

Are you married?

doodle01 Mon 13-Nov-17 13:12:05

Have you told him or is the purpose of relate going to be a surprise.
Not a case of whose house is it. wrong tack why jump to whose going to be evicted. Will go down well with the kids if you evict the other parent.
You do need to sit down and work out how you are going to do this. If other party has agreed to relate this is massive.
It may take a long time there maybe no immediate solution people cohabit for a year or more seeking to divorce.
half of anything reasonable is sometimes not so good. You may need to consider life styles and options.
You both have obligation to the kids less so to the adult. You may need to find better paid job other party to step up to child care as your working.
There is no certain outcome
Dont make assumptions he may decide to go part time to care for the kids and have them 50/50 in which case no obligation to support ex partner as level playing field assuming assets divided you both need to have a life style and life.
Just observations based on experience no real advice.

happyclapper Mon 13-Nov-17 13:58:35

We're not married. Have been together for 19 years. Have own house, both names on mortgage. He pays all the bills. I buy the food. I am willing to work more and have recently set my own business up but it has yet to generate any income and I don't know how I can keep it going in the circumstances as half of my wages are going on getting it off tge ground every month.
He has always been generous and supportive but I don't know how long that will last. He has made comments that we cant afford to separate so I have to stay.
He had agreed to go to Relate though he initially said he couldn't be bothered as we had been before about 13yrs ago and MY behaviour hadn't changed!
Just want someone to make him realise that no matter what our feelings are for each other it is not acceptable to abuse the other person. He is always worse when the boys are around and when they arent there he is more reasonable.
I know he loves them more than anything so I don't know why he behaves like this. It is always worse after he has had a drink. He is never violent but has called me all the names under the sun within earshot of them and will then apologise when they are not around.
He has alot of issues from his, what people would see as, a good upbringing. Only child of demanding, bullying parents (both teachers). Scholarship to uni at 17.....nit allowed to folliw his own path. Think this lead to feelings of underachieving in his career. Says he knows he is a horrible person and hates himself.
Has very few friends and no one to really talk to. I don't know how to help him and he's becoming very bitter and angry.

OP’s posts: |
doodle01 Mon 13-Nov-17 15:05:43

Well you both sound like you have presence of mind

The drink references are a concern no rationale thought when drunk

If you keep what’s best for kids at the forefront you will have half a chance

You may have to reconsider your work options if you need an income

Without kids you could both walk away and never have anything to do with each other but the kids mean you can’t

Don’t argue when he’s drunk violence etc is another matter you haven’t said this it’s hard I do know


happyclapper Mon 13-Nov-17 16:25:19

Thank you. It will be hard but I don't think anything will ever change. I just don't know where to start. I think I will have to give up my business as I just don't have the money to keep it going. I can try and get more hours in my part time job but it's not going to be regular.

OP’s posts: |

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