Recent separation - help!

[TimeIsAnIllusion]

My husband left on Mon 30th Oct
He’s been back to the property each day since taking away his belongings etc
The house is jointly owned and he still has a key
I know he is getting legal advice on Tuesday over the phone.
Today he’s been making threats to get custody of the children - suggesting he moves back into the marital home with them and I move out. This is partly because he is the breadwinner and I have been a sahm and I have no means to take over the mortgage.
There have been unreported incidents of domestic violence and marital rape which I haven’t reported but intend to disclose the the gp on Wednesday.
He must not get custody of the children for their own safety.
My teenagers would choose to live with him if asked for the ability to remain in the house and the better financial standard of living.
Any helpful advice appreciated.

[TimeIsAnIllusion]

Today he also said unless he gets a clean break divorce and some of the house equity he will burn the house down (witnessed by my mother).
His moods have been erratic and he has been shouty at times when here clearing out his belongings.
My solicitor says call the police if anything happens (I don’t know if she means physically or just threatening).
He has bought food shopping. He is currently paying the mortgage and bills - I still haven’t found a job or told Childrens tax credits he’s left because he’s been staying at his dads and paying the household bills here.
Should I tell tax credits and get bills put in my name and claim maintenance immediately? Or wait until the decreee nici is done and financial disclosure looked at?

[crimsonlake]

If your ex has had legal advice they would have recommended that he does not move out of the property as it puts him in a weaker position.Do not be surprised if he moves back in shortly.
Is he giving you maintenance?

[TimeIsAnIllusion]

He has put £250 in my bank and brought shopping round.
Is there any way I can stop him moving in eg him being shouty and a threat to burn the house down if he doesn’t get what he wants from the divorce?

[TimeIsAnIllusion]

He has been bullying in behaviour beforehand anyway.
Should I put household bills in my name?
I really feel rather afraid of the thought of him moving back in he has hit me in the past and there’s marital rape which I don’t really want to have to bring up as I’m not looking to provoke him but I don’t want him living here it will be a very tense environment for the kids.

[TimeIsAnIllusion]

I know he’s getting legal advice on Tuesday.

[MrsBertBibby]

You need to tell the police everything. The violence, the rapes, the threat to burn the house down, the lot.

This man is lethal.

[donajimena]

Apply for tax credits immediately. You can do this even more if he's paying the bills.
Contact women's aid and as a pp said report the abuse to the police.

[TimeIsAnIllusion]

I do have tax credits but need to tell them the wage earner has left - I do not work I’m a stay at home mum.

[crimsonlake]

As he jointly owns the property you cannot stop him moving back in. Speak to the police and possibly you could get a non molestation order against him which would stop him being able to reside in the property again I imagine.

[Notreallyarsed]

XH threatened to burn the house down (my house not his or ours) and he was arrested and bailed with conditions not to contact me. It’s worth calling the police to give you a bit of breathing space, even if it doesn’t result in a conviction.

[WitchesHatRim]

My teenagers would choose to live with him if asked for the ability to remain in the house and the better financial standard of living.

Teenagers will get a choice of where to live.

If you are unable to afford the house on your own it will probably need to be sold.

You may also need to look for work with DC of that age.

You need legal advice.

for you.

[wannabestressfree]

You need to think about disclosure soon so the police are aware of what is happening. This needs to be driven by you. I agree with other posters that he will be home soon otherwise- you are surplus to requirements so he will turn the financial tap off. Phone cms and tax credits- these things don’t happen overnight.

You do also need to think about Work. How old are your children?

[TimeIsAnIllusion]

Children are 15, 13 and 9
My 15y old is still on the waiting list for Camhs. Self harm, unhappy, possible asd, suicidal thoughts.
I’m also concerned about having to leave her home alone or in charge of other DC so I can work.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

OP how are you going to pay the mortgage?

It is a serious consideration that you will have to think about.

Unless your stbx is a high earner he won't be expected to pay the mortgage and for somewhere for himself.

You will also need to think about work. I know that could be hard.

You need legal advice.

[TimeIsAnIllusion]

Yes I will have to get a job.
It’s been a week since he told me the marriage was over. I’ve been to the CAB and solicitors so far.
Today was the first time he suggested he got custody based on the house not needing to be sold and me having to move out! This was I feel purely to retain his hold over the equity in the house.
Is he likely to win custody of the children because he can earn £24-29k and I will be lucky to get basic wage as I don’t have a career?

[MrsBertBibby]

No, earning capacity is unlikely to have that effect.

[TimeIsAnIllusion]

I have talked to social services and the police and I am waiting for local police to come and get a statement.

[MrsBertBibby]

Well done!

[thelonggame]

I hope that you and your children are ok

[TimeIsAnIllusion]

I gave full statement to the police. My eldest daughter has revealed some instances of violence to her at his hands I wasn’t aware of. They will see her soon to take a statement from her soon and ask her to decide if she wants to pursue it.
I need to talk through the marital rape with someone before I decide when or if the time will be right to pursue that or not.
I’m scared to aggravate my husband in the midst of divorce because I want to have custody of the children and he may try to get revenge by seeking custody in order to retain more finances in terms of the marital home. He has said this too.
The threat to burn the house down by him hasn’t been taken seriously as it didn’t seem like something he meant to do imminently- something he intended in the future if I didn’t agree to a clean break and him getting some equity of the house for him to make a new start.

[MrsBertBibby]

Please don't try to appease your ex in the hope he will behave less badly. He will just be even worse,

And keeping quiet about his abuse of you and your daughter only strengthens his hand. Well done for getting it out there. I know it is incredibly hard to do.

[Notreallyarsed]

Well done OP, that can’t have been easy for you or your daughter.

[TimeIsAnIllusion]

The two younger girls age 13 & 15 have been threatened by him and roughly treated but neither want to admit it now.
They seem keen to live with their dad as he pays for their iPhones, treats, has a car and can give lifts everywhere. They only can see what’s in it for them right now - not thinking of future problems. This worries me a lot.
They also know if I can’t afford to keep this house myself (which seems unlikely) that I will be considering moving 300 miles away to my hometown where property is cheaper. This they don’t like the idea of as 15y old is due to take exams next year and 13y old worried about losing friendships. I can see both their points of course. I also feel the need for family support which I don’t have locally.

[TimeIsAnIllusion]

I have GP appointment Wednesday where I was initially going to report all the abuse but they will be informed by police and SS anyway - does it seem sensible to ask for STi tests and maybe sleeping pills and anti depressants instead?
I’m having terrible nights, dreams that he’s there telling me he loves me still (I know he doesn’t), it’s like mental torture. I wake up so sad because non of it is true. Such a mix of emotions going on.
I’m still fearful of my future because I don’t know if I am allowed to chose where to live or if I’ll be able to keep the 3 kids together and with me which as a mother I desperately want.