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Anyonee going through a divorce with a high conflict ex?

(8 Posts)
Hermonie2016 Tue 07-Nov-17 18:13:22

Hi, just wondered if anyone in a similar position trying to get agreement with a high conflict individual.

I had really hoped it would be amciable but he threatened to "unleash hell" if I filed for divorce.I tried to placate him and let him petition me, it didn't work.

Went to mediation, it was awful as he was so aggressive.
Now we are in the court process.He is lying on court submitted documents, massively under stating his earnings which can be proved by his p60.He is querying all my transactions, even something of £2.85!

FDR soon and I am hoping but not really expecting him to settle.His current offer is so low that I can't accept.
My barrister says he will have increase his offer but I think he's hoping I will give up on the process.

He earns much more than the cms limit otherwise I would quite happily use that.
He has spent 50k of joint money but objected to me spending £200 whilst on holiday with the children.

My solicitor has had to formally warm his to abide by the Resolution code of conduct as the letters were so aggressive.It has improved since then however the lies continue.I am completely able to disprove his lies so it feels pointless but I guess he's just hoping to create a narrative against me.

Just wondered if anyone else out there who needs support on the journey..or if you are out the other side please share your experiences.

Secretsout Tue 07-Nov-17 20:33:27

I'm coming out of the end of an awful year long process with my narc ex. I've agreed to leave his pension and shares alone and in lieu I've received almost all of our house equity which allows me to buy a house. It's been a truly horrible experience. We didn't go to court but did it through solicitors. It has cost me £13k. In a way I wish I'd gone to court but it would've cost at least double. I also think my solicitor was pretty crap with dealing with a narc. My Ex also earns way above the CM upper limit but again, I've compromised and settled for the CMS rate. I will be free soon and I'm very happy. He, on the other hand is a (wealthy) mess 😂

MaxatAgincourt Wed 08-Nov-17 07:28:39

I have just come out the other side. It has been a long process with threats and intimidation along the way. We went to Final Hearing despite ample opportunity to settle.

The irony for us being he was the applicant. The judge told him all along he wouldn't be happy with the outcome but offering the paltry amount he offered was not going to be accepted by the court.

After FDR the judge warned him that he was not going to be happy at the outcome if it went to Final Hearing.

He continued to lie in the witness box. It was embarrassing and most of all very sad. At the open offer at the start of the day I had not included pensions but the judge ruled that the pensions were too significant to be excluded.

I was awarded higher than anyone including barristers expected.

The judges are familiar with these situations . They also take very seriously poor conduct although in our case the three pertinent aspects were cohabitation, contribution and pensions. She disregarded needs as after a long relationship capital assets can outweigh needs. ( There is phrase used but I can't remember it)
She also ignored previous conduct ( both mine and his)

Still not plain sailing for us ( I posted a thread recently) but it's over. As I wasn't the applicant I ended up with low solicitor fees to as I just replied to his requests. Yes my ex also queried ridiculous things including a transfer of £50 from my parents that was 'ice cream' money for the kids when we were going on holiday

Good luck, there will be an end to this

CaptainM Wed 08-Nov-17 09:40:08

Hi Hermonie, I've been in the process for a year and have been in court every month this year! Very similar to you - I ended it. He petitioned. Lots of lies on form E, lies under cross examination, disposal of assets, incredibly low offer despite judge warning at FDR that no judge will grant what he's offering. We've had a 3-day final hearing and are awaiting judgement. It's been the toughest 18 months of my life but full of lessons, and renewed appreciation for my resilience. DCs have also been caught in the middle of it all, and are gradually healing although I suspect we'll be back in court next year on children matters. Hang in there. You're not alone. This too shall pass...xx

Hermonie2016 Wed 08-Nov-17 13:42:08

Thanks so much for feedback.I am so sad to hear that others have such difficult time.

Its been such a journey, learning how difficult/vicious he is.He has morphed over a few years into a deeply unpleasant person, specifically when his career off and it seemed to fed his sense of entitlement and ego.
I have struggled most with his lies, literally hard to believe he would blatantly lie just so he can try to disparage me.I don't know if his solicitor encouraged it or she has also believed his lies.When I refute the lies with proof I wonder if she has any thoughts, surely it can't be pleasant representing someone you know has lied repeatedly.

Captain, so after a 3 day hearing you don't have a deal? I thought it would be instant but guess it makes sense that a judge needs time.How long have you been waiting?

Would be interested in final hearing overview as I understand I could be a witness.Barrister and solicitor say I have nothing to worry about but not sure what they tend to ask.Why does it take several days? Are in you in/out with the judge giving information?

I had agreed 50:50 on assets, despite putting in substantially more capital at the outset but needed cms on his total income or spousal.

Mac, I love your phrase "wealthy mess".Very accurate!

MaxatAgincourt Wed 08-Nov-17 15:35:12

Hermione I believe the solicitors have heard it all before but have to work with their client.
Exh barrister was relentless where as mine was calm and very matter of fact yet even with the evidence in front of her still had to do her best for her client

Captain A three day trial must have been horrendous . Mine was one day and that was hard who.

Best advice regarding the hearing was just to tell the truth. There is no catching out if the truth is told

Again good luck.
You will survive this

ramblingroses Wed 29-Nov-17 05:03:42

I haven't been on Mumsnet for 4 years but after leaving my high conflict husband two weeks ago, suddenly feel the desperate need for kindred spirits.

I am exhausted and we haven't even started. I am sitting in a rented falling down house, that my 8 yr son said isn't home so he doesn't want to visit. I'm sure he will change his mind. I've spent 13 years with a controlling, manipulative, no fault husband who relentlessly points out my inadequacies. Narcissistic raging, swearing and negative behaviour fairly normal stuff.

Everyone says I've done the hardest bit by leaving. I feel that it's barely just begun. I might have to start my own post.

CookieDough50 Wed 29-Nov-17 13:36:46

Hi Hermonie, would you mind if I PM'd you?

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