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What am I going to do?

(14 Posts)
MrsY Mon 06-Nov-17 15:38:26

I know there are no magic answers. But I sort of hope writing this all out will help me process things.

I have been with my husband for nearly 15 years, married for just over 11. We have always had an issue with rows - we can both be fiery and I get very defensive very easily. But, whilst we always acknowledged that we needed to be better at communicating, we thought that at least it meant we weren't bottling things up. And we loved each other. We were so close, always cuddling up and affectionate. Sex life went a bit after we had our first child (now 8 1/2) but still attracted to each other. We lost a son 5 1/2 years ago, and both felt that we became closer. Whilst I was off work then, we moved house and planned to extend, with an annex for my mum to live in. We had another child (now 3 1/2) and things were really good.

He is very charming (sales) and is a good listener. He has always been friendly with the women at work, but I was never worried (apart from thinking they might try something, but I trusted him implicitly). Recently, we have seen friends' marriages break up, and it was down to lack of communication, which we didn't think was an issue.

About 18 months ago, he started to lose weight, eating differently and running/cycling. He seemed to change a lot, but we still had lots of fun and enjoyed spending time together. I struggled a little that he wanted to spend so much of his free time without me, but I didn't begrudge him wanting to change, I was pleased he was being healthier and he was happy.

Over the summer I started to hear a lot about a girl at his work, from our daughters rather than him (they would often go into work with him on his day off if he had to drop ppw or sign docs) and then my eldest mentioned that they had spent a Sunday together (when I was working). I asked him what was going on, and if he had anything to tell me. He said that he was unhappy in the relationship. That he had been for 6 years, that he had been tempted to cheat on me but hadn't.

We stopped the extension build (which was due to start the following week) and talked about what to do. He almost moved out, but we both said we wanted to save the relationship and try counselling. So he stayed and we started to get plans in place to see a therapist, but had to wait a few weeks for an appointment.

One evening, I was watching TV and the main character found out her husband was cheating, and it made me so uncomfortable. It felt really familiar. The next morning, I found his phone and read his messages to the girl at work. He was talking about dreaming about her the night before. I confronted him, and he admitted that since the previous conversation, he had slept with her a couple of times. He said he would move out. I spent the day with a friend, and when I got home, I said that he could stay. That I still wanted to be with him, and still wanted to try therapy. But he said he wanted to live alone. He said he had finished it with the girl (A***, she is 23).

We did a few weeks of therapy, talking about what the issues were and we were supposed to have a session on what we thought needed to change. At the beginning of the session he said he thought it was too far gone. That we had too much to change, and by continuing the process, it risked hurting each other more, upsetting the children and he didn't think it would work anyway.

That was about a month ago. Since then, I feel I've totally unraveled. He is now seeing A again. I know they've been sleeping together. I don't know when it started again. I saw them last week, walking round the shops together, holding hands.

I miss him so much. I haven't been apart from him for more than a few nights since I was 18. I'm 33 now, and he is 39.

I thought this might be some kind of mid life crises, I know he has been changing a lot over the last year or so, and maybe he needed to change more than just his diet. I know he said he felt unhappy for 6 years, but clearly something changed recently. Up until a few months ago he was posting about how much he loved me on facebook etc.

I can't stop crying, my mind turns over and over what he said, and what I said. What he might be saying to her. How I can get him back. What I can do to show him he should be with me.

I don't know what to do.

dolly3012xo Mon 06-Nov-17 15:41:10

Didn't want to read and run. Don't have much advice but just know that you are worth so much more and you shouldn't have to show him that he should be with you. flowers flowersflowers

Ilovetolurk Mon 06-Nov-17 20:45:22

Sorry OP you must be devastated flowers

You might be better asking if mn can move this to relationships you will get more readers there to support you

Bibbidee Mon 06-Nov-17 23:28:38

@MrsY

What I can do to show him he should be with me.

Nothing? Looks like he's chosen the OW. It's so hard OP. 💐

Bibbidee Mon 06-Nov-17 23:30:44

@MrsY Try to remember that you didn't cause this, this is all him. Will post more tomorrow when awake. 👍

AcrossthePond55 Mon 06-Nov-17 23:52:53

As hard and painful as it is, you must accept that there is nothing you can do or say to change his mind. He has moved on. I'm sorry, but there it is.

What you have to do is turn all that focus and energy you are wasting on him inward, towards helping yourself. You don't have to stop loving him, that will come in its own good time. But you do have to start trying to move forward, despite your feelings for him. Consider counseling.

The first thing to do is stop any talking to him about the past or about the future. Focus only on the 'now', specifically dealing only with the children. If there are still joint financial obligations, those too.

Next, see a solicitor and find out your legal position wrt child and/or spousal maintenance, the house, the assets. Remember that becoming educated about these things does NOT mean that you have to take any legal steps. You are just learning about your options.

Then, if you haven't, tell someone. A trusted friend, a close family member. Someone who will not be judgmental of you for your feelings but yet can help you be strong against making further pleas to him or fruitless plans to 'get him back'.

It hurts. It's a bitch. But you will get through this. One small step at a time. For now it's going to be a case of 'fake it til you make it'. But eventually you will stop caring.

thiskittenbarks Tue 07-Nov-17 00:26:45

So sorry this has happened to you. I have no wisdom. Try and do some things you enjoy and spend time with your friends and family. You sound like a strong person to have gone through all that you have. Although I’m sure you feel like he was a big part of your strength came from being with him, but from what you have said he sounds very weak, so I’m sure all that strength came from you. flowers

doodle01 Tue 07-Nov-17 00:43:40

Very Good advice above.
'Moved on' is such a horrible concept as means left someone behind.
He's a fool and will live to regret it - probably.
You will recover and might do quite well on your own.
Find a confidant preferably someone whose been through this
my sister had and was a godsend. She taught me to manage any seperation, to be reasonable but firm at the same time.
Make a decision Take advice don't change your min when he's dumped which he will be.

Bibbidee Tue 07-Nov-17 06:38:32

@MrsY

I read Chumplady when it happened to me:

https://www.chumplady.com/2012/05/i-just-discovered-i-was-cheated-on-now-what/

24steve Tue 07-Nov-17 09:35:34

sad to read your situation, just know it will get better.
You need to be strong and independent, get out do things with the kids move on, join a club or gym ....
The old saying i has always been true for me - let someone go and if they dont come back they were never meant to
If you show him you are moving on you will be surprised how much better it will make you feel and his attitude towards you, plus the kids will love to see mum happy.
Stand up for your rights as well, speak to a solicitor they generally give some free advice www.solicitors.com can help or try your local cab, knowing your rights is important even if you dont go that far.
good luck, keep talking and let your friends help.

MrsY Sun 12-Nov-17 13:38:50

Thanks for all your support.

I wrote him a letter outlining how I felt. That I wanted to try therapy again. That I was prepared to make the changes he needed. But he has moved on. He is clearly much further down the road than me, and I can't change his mind.

I am now turning my energy to moving forwards. Saw CAB and passed their info on to him - he wants me to sell so he is free to get a new mortgage.
But that would leave me and our girls homeless. It's weird to have to stand up to him - my instinct is still to try and make things easy for him.
I'm trying to sort out benefits so I have some income, but can't get my head around all the forms. Need to sit down with someone to help me understand it all.

Bibbidee Sun 12-Nov-17 22:53:41

@MrsY

Ah this is tough news. Completely agree that it is difficult changing tact in your dealing with him when you're so used to compromising with him. But you need to protect your own interests now, it takes a mind shift to do this but it's absolutely necessary.

Where I am the council has outsourced a lot of their services to charities to help with housing and benefits and one of these organisations might help you fill in the necessary forms such as tax credits etc or the CAB might help you? Have a look at free school meals as well?

Unsurewhattod0 Tue 14-Nov-17 07:42:28

Same thing happened to me. She checked out, cheated and wouldn’t accept any possibility of trying to save the relationship. Eventually I discovered that I too wanted out as well, moved and have now found happiness. Focus on what you want, what’s best for your kids and make positive plans for the future. It does get easier. For me it didn’t take a lot of time but each person is different so don’t beat yourself up about what he is doing.

Layniboggs123 Tue 14-Nov-17 18:03:49

Aww Mrs Y I'm in the same situation it's been 4 months since my stbxh left for OW and it broke my heart but it is getting easier and I'm enjoying my own company and realising that I am probably happier than I was . Great friends and family have got me through this and there's alot of people on here to give advise who are going through the same.flowers

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