Constant contact from ex

[Duskypinks]

Myself and my ex separated 6 months ago, it was my decision and one that surprised him so he took it quite badly.

Since he moved out, he rings the children every morning and evening, has them every other weekend and is now saying he wants them for tea one night during the week. I have no problem with him seeing the children during the week as long as he brings them home at a decent time, they're 7 & 4 and he keeps bringing them back way past their bedtime, tonight it has caused an argument as I now have 2 over tired children.

I also feel like he uses the twice daily phone calls as a way of checking up on where I am? I find myself clock watching waiting for the phone calls in the morning it's normally in the chaos of getting myself ready for work and them ready for school. I don't feel like I can freely do what I need too or want too as he rings. He even rang them at my parents twice a day when the children stayed over during the school holidays as I was working

He comes into my house (it is solely mine in my name ) walks around like he still lives here and seems to think he can dictate to me and ask me hundreds of questions. Am I being unreasonable in wanting some of the constant contact to ease up? The children don't have much to say to him in the morning as they've literally been to sleep and got up when he rings again! I know if I say to him about not ringing he'll get arcey about it. But he went on holiday abroad for a week and didn't even tell me

Does anyone have any advice?

[Undercoverbanana]

Sounds like some boundaries need to be set here. Hopefully someone with more experience will be along to advise, OP.

[user1498854363]

Op, how did the contact arrangements get made? Did he just decide? Contact is about what’s best for the kids. Is it best for them to have an early morning call esp 4yo (poss they are not interested?). You can consider other contacts (letters, Skype..) doesn’t have to be phone call. Contact during week, you need to be clear on this esp if he doesn’t respond to school night limits. Will he drop to school/nursery or back to you? What about if they are unwell? Have homework? (Obv not 4yo!). Sounds like you need to talk, is there a mediator who could help? Friend/family/professional? Also NO he needs to not walk into your home, change the locks or lock the door!
Don’t worry about him being arsenal- he needs to understand limits! And contactvis only what is best for the kids. Stop the morning call. If child wants to call him, am sure u can find few mins to do that! Make it more spontaneous = better contact 😀

[BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried]

I would stop the morning phone calls. Far too intrusive and disruptive when trying to get ready for work and school. I would agree the mideeek contact but insist he has them overnight, pick up from school and drop off the next day to school so he is doing a bit of the drudge work as well. Even calls, fine if it’s at a set time that isn’t disruptive. So not dinner time or bath time etc. Perhaps he could call whilst you are making dinner so it occupies the Dc while you are busy. If you have plans any particular evening then just go about your evening and ignore the phone. Change your locks. He no longer gets free access to your Home. You need to make clear boundaries and enforce them. Some of them will need to be physical boundaries. He knocks on the door from now on and doesn’t come in. You bring DC out to him.

[ivykaty44]

Who answers the phone?

[Gemini69]

you need to stop the constant morning phone calls.. nobody has that kind of time .. particularly on school mornings... and you're right .. he's controlling your life from afar... have you changed your locks ? does he enter without knocking etc? what's the worst that can happen if you make changes.. he'll get arsey then he'll get over it...I'm sure lots of Posters will be along to help Lady...

[43percentburnt]

Don't answer the phone. Turn it on silent and ignore. Alternatively get a second phone and just use the old number for him. I'd also be tempted to put a ringtone on that makes you laugh.

Why is he entering your house? Do you enter his? Does he have a key? If he does meet him at the door and take it off him. Alternatively change the lock - YouTube has videos showing you how to do it.

He is still trying to control you, you are no doubt acting like you did when you were together answering calls etc.

Have you had counselling? Well worth giving it a go. Saying no and setting up boundaries.

Good luck op. He is out of order.

[QuiteLikely5]

This is tricky. I adore my children and if I was forced to be separated from them I suppose I’d act like your ex is now.

Have you tried speaking to him to come up with something more suitable?

[43percentburnt]

Oh and put in writing why the morning calls are stopping. 'It is important for the children they get time to eat breakfast together, have a shower, teeth brush and get ready for their day ahead without phones and interruptions at meal times'. If the children want to phone you they will do so.'

Phrase everything from the child's best interest.

[Duskypinks]

Thank you all for your replies. I'm so lucky in some ways that he adores our children, it's just a shame it took us splitting up for him to realise. The agreement has just been done by ourselves. For example the last 6 weeks he hasn't wanted to see the children after school 1 night as he's been busy with work, tonight he did and I would never say no to him seeing them but I think boundaries do need to be set. If he wants to see them during the week then it should be every week, same day? Just so everyone knows what they're doing and more importantly the children do.

The morning phone call really does grate on me I must admit so I will try and ask him if he could just do the evening one instead. The after school visit is tricky as the earliest he can pick them up is 4:30/5pm and by the time he's taken them somewhere for tea and come back it's late. The other alternative is him having tea with us but that just gives him more time to badger me and in all honesty I don't want him in my house

As soon as I bring it up he gets defensive and says I can't stop him seeing the kids, I would never do that and he knows it. I just feel exhausted by the constant calls etc, I speak to him more now than I ever did in 12 years together

[ivykaty44]

Who lets him into the house and why?

If the dc are ready and costs by door for visits the why would he come in - out your coat on, as if your going out and off they go. Then keep doing it

Are dc at school? Then say yes to tea one evening per week and he can take to school and pick up from school- job won’t allow that? Then he needs to sort out after school care and breakfast club. If he puts dc to bed late then he will have problems in the morning

Weekend contact let him pick up on a Friday and return to school on a Monday - let him do homework and have contact with school

[BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried]

I'm so lucky in some ways that he adores our children

Wow! Low standards much? Do you adore your children? Is he lucky that you adore them and look after your own children? No. It’s bare minimum you would expect from a parent.

[BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried]

If he wants to see them during the week then it should be every week, same day? Just so everyone knows what they're doing and more importantly the children do.

Exactly. Children thrive on consistency and knowing where they stand. If they know that Dad comes on Tuesday evening at 5pm then they will be settled and prepared for it. Dad turning up as and when he likes is very unsettling. I’ve been through all this so I’m speaking from experience.

[Duskypinks]

Battered - I meant in the sense that some people have trouble in getting their ex's to bother with their children...

[Duskypinks]

I think this too, I know he's going to say that his work won't allow it and then I'll get the blame for being unreasonable or something similar. Feeling very much like I whatever I do will be wrong in his eyes anyway

[BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried]

Sounds like he has laid some good foundations wrt making you question yourself in favour of his demands. Have you had any counselling? Perhaps some assertiveness training would be helpful. It’s hard to recognise just how much you let people away with until you’ve been out of the situation for a while. Currently, he is calling all the shots (in your home!) and making you feel like you are being cruel for even questioning that. You aren’t. You are entitled to peace in your own home, you are entitled to establish and enforce your own boundaries. If he feels like he is t seeing his children enough he can adjust his work schedule and make it happen. He can also hire a solicitor and go to court if he really thinks you’re being unreasonable.

[ivykaty44]

Work won’t allow it 😮

Then it’s up to him to sort that one out

[Duskypinks]

I think I've probably made a rod for my own back that I felt guilty in separating from him and let him decide everything, now I'm realising I can't live like this.

I'm normally quite assertive but I think I'm trying so hard to keep things nice and civil I'm being walked all over. I will definitely do the coats on at the door and off you go when he picks up on Friday so he doesn't come into the house. And I will bring up about stopping the morning phone calls and him seeing during the week properly when he drops them off on Sunday.

[Duskypinks]

Work won’t allow it 😮

Best bit about that...he's self employed!! Work comes first though

[BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried]

Yep, but Rods can be broken.

TBH I wouldn’t “bring up” about him stopping the morning calls. I would just tell him it’s not feasible so won’t be happening anymore. End of.

[Duskypinks]

Battered can I borrow you on Sunday lol

[Gemini69]

I think you need an intervention OP.... of the legal kind... his making ALL the decisions.. an he IS... is not appropriate...

Stop making excuses for Him.. your enabling Him.. look where you are now.... Get yourself some good legal advise and get this down on an official contact order .. and everyone knows their boundaries Lady

[Gemini69]

Battered is correct.... Tell Him..

[ivykaty44]

He will use the ole

Well if I don’t work you don’t get maintenance...?

Just tell him yes for the overnight mid week and it’s a night which suits you every week

Tell him the dc will love staying over and he just can’t let them down

Same for Friday afternoons, of course do let him know that your not there to pick up the dc if he can’t make it as that’s his responsibility - oh yes parenting comes with a big fat responsibility

[BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried]

gimme his number, i’ll Ring him. He’ll be afraid to answer his phone ever again after I’m done with him.

[BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried]

Btw, all parents have to make career sacrifices if they expect to actually parent their children. Even if you don’t work, if you’re a SAHM, you made career sacrifices to do that. He needs to make some sacrifices now if he wants more contact. It’s not up to you to sacrifice everything to facilitate his contact. Does he sacrifice anything to facilitate your parenting?