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Urgent help/advice needed (sorry, long post)

(5 Posts)
Xmarks Thu 26-Oct-17 23:49:48

New member to Mumsnet, so hi to all smile

Very, very brief background - been married 21 years with 2 kidults (20 and 16). I work fulltime night shifts, husband works fulltime day. Have slept in different rooms due to work patterns and snoring (him not me). Our relationship has plodded along (not fireworks, but decent friends), until the last 6 months - which have been pretty awful. Husband has completely withdrawn from the family.

On Monday night (while I was driving to work) he phoned to say he wanted to leave, it wasn't working, I had pushed him away for last 5 years, he'd had enough. Tuesday/Wednesday, lots of talking, tears (on both parts) I asked him to really think was it worth throwing away 21 years -- we should give it one last try and both agree to make changes (him to communicate, me to be more affectionate).

I also told him he needs to decide what he is doing sooner rather than later and stop keeping me in limbo.

Thursday night - his suggestion was that we both stay at home during the week (he would work later and come home after me), but on Friday nights we would have "date night", then he would drop me off and go and stay with a friend for the weekend, coming home again on Monday evening (after I had left for work) - he thought this would help me, rather than leave me to deal with everything kids/house/dogs on my own.

It seems to me that I will be doing the housework in the week/walking dogs/working then at weekends I will do the washing, ironing, get up early to sort dogs, take and pick up DD from work, walk dogs, do gardening etc., etc. while he stays at a friends.

I've said no - either stay and give it 100% or leave and me and kids can move on.

AIBU? Is he really trying to do this because he cares? Any input/advice would be very, very welcome.

MrsOverTheRoad Fri 27-Oct-17 00:01:43

You're right to say no. And I hate to suggest this but the "friend" he's staying with there any chance if could be another woman?

I think he's not trying to do it because he cares but because it would be easier for him.

Cake and eat it.

He gets his laundry done but still to say he's "single".

Tell him to get out or in. And start lining up your ducks. Who owns the house?

Xmarks Fri 27-Oct-17 10:36:21

Thanks for your quick response. And answering the questions - the “friend” is definitely just a friend (although I can’t rule out there being someone waiting in the wings).

I think this is his way of softening the blow - he has never been one for making decisions or confrontation. Or even having a try at single life to see if he likes it, before he fully commits to separation.

I think it keeps everyone (me and kids) not quite knowing what is going on or going to happen. I am a very practical person and, if he is leaving, me and the kids need to make our plans.

BTW the house is owned jointly - I earn about 30% more money so could, at a push, buy him out.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 27-Oct-17 10:41:08

Sounds like OW to me but even if there isn’t it sounds like your marriage is very stale and tired.

Brakebackcyclebot Fri 27-Oct-17 14:24:56

OP, some questions for you.

What do YOU want? Do you want to stay with him? What do you get out of the relationship? Is it enough for you? How do you visualise your ideal relationship? How would you feel about a future without him? How would you feel in a year's time if this relationship continued as it is?

I would advise you to take some time to think about what you really want.

At the moment, you seem to be letting him make the decisions/put forward proposals. You can take back control and confidence if you become clear about what you want.

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