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Help needed...am I being unreasonable??

(21 Posts)
Nat885 Thu 26-Oct-17 21:22:09

Hi, Just some advice needed... I have 2 boys aged 3 and 5 years old. Their dad and I separated last Sept and me and the boys moved out of the family home (as mortgage in his name only and he wouldnt move out)
Well since Sept 16, he has had the boys overnight on a Tues and taken them to school/nursery on a weds morning and then one overnight stay every weekend (either fri or sat night)
Since Feb 17 he began a new relationship with an old friend... she has a 4 year old daughter. In May he introduced them all to each other and has now started asking for more nights with the kids. He wants to now have 50/50 residency in place.
I am against this whilst the kids are this young and believe he only wants to change now to impress in his new relationship... He has written me letters, text me, harassed me on handovers for more time... and now he is threatening to take me to court... will he get granted his 50/50?! We have tried mediation, but nothing much came out of it apart from his absolute determination to take the kids when and how he wants them...
Totally panicking as dont want to not see my children this much (plus the reason the relationship broke down in the first place was because he was so interested in work and not spending any time with us as a family...!!)
Thanks in advance - sorry for the life story smile

KissesAX Thu 26-Oct-17 21:28:27

I hate this attitude from women. Is he a bad dad to your children? Behaviour in the relationship is irrelevant now. You have to co parent and he should be entitled to 50:50 time.

Santawontbelong Thu 26-Oct-17 21:32:09

His new relationship isn't going to benefit from 2 demanding boys 50/50 is it?

Nat885 Thu 26-Oct-17 21:33:07

What attitude is that?! The set up was amicable until his circumstances changed... I'm more annoyed that he has decided they suit his lifestyle now and is threatening me until he gets what he wants...

Nat885 Thu 26-Oct-17 21:34:28

Yes because she has one child and they all get on really well - so they do lots of activities together

Rainyboooooo Thu 26-Oct-17 21:38:17

I sympathise OP. Its really bloody hard.

It would be harder for your children if the new relationship meant their dad didn’t want to see them at all. This could be positive for them. And that what you have to keep reminding yourself, sometimes through gritted teeth.

pinkhorse Thu 26-Oct-17 21:39:21

I’m a firm believer in 50:50 contact (unless abuse etc). You say you don’t want to see your children for less time than you already do but imagine seeing them for only the small amount of time your ex does.

KissesAX Thu 26-Oct-17 21:42:12

The attitude that women think they can dictate how much men see their children based off the relationship between the children's parents. It's not about your feelings about how your ex has treated you. It's about the kids relationship with their dad remaining positive. 50:50 is how it should be if parents can accommodate this

Nat885 Thu 26-Oct-17 21:43:05

Thank you Rainyboooooo - I understand that they are now having much more quality time with their dad and have always supported them having a relationship. My objections at the moment come down to the kids having stability in the same beds, under the same routines, as they are so young. Im not saying that this will be the routine until they are 18 yrs old, but just while they are so little

Nat885 Thu 26-Oct-17 21:44:54

KissesAX, its also to do with his lack of interest when they lived under the same roof as him...

KissesAX Thu 26-Oct-17 21:48:12

I'll throw in my experience. My niece is 8mo. She lives in 2 separate houses 50:50. Her time in each is equal every single week. Her mum and dad( my DB) are 18 and 16. They broke up around 3 months after she was born but they co parent and share time, established routines and that 8mo baby comes home to our house her 4 days a week, and is in bed at the same time every night and sleeps right through and is an angel. Don't worry about their routines. They'll adapt. Co parenting isn't about one parent thinking they have all the rights and say so and the other is just there for when the main says so.

KissesAX Thu 26-Oct-17 21:50:19

I can understand that past frustrations still come into play so I'm sorry for being a little short with you. There's just a lot of mums on here that think they can dictate the dads if they're not together based on the relationships between them and not the dad and his children.

MyBrilliantDisguise Thu 26-Oct-17 21:51:12

I really sympathise. I think often men like that insist on 50/50 because a) it means they don't pay anything in maintenance and b) because the children can play with the other children, meaning the adults have more time together. If he was so keen on the children, he would have spent more time with them when you were with him.

Nat885 Thu 26-Oct-17 21:53:29

My 3 yo is totally adaptable, but im having problems with my eldest worrying where he is stopping (despite having a calendar for him) and the routine has been the same for over 12 months... i have suggested to ex that he has them 2 consecutive nights, but he says 3/4 days or court.
I dont think i have all the rights - & up until he has threatened me with court, we spoke regularly about the kids.

Nat885 Thu 26-Oct-17 21:54:51

KissesAX - its a very emotive subject! Maybe I worded my initial post incorrectly...

Ilovetolurk Fri 27-Oct-17 07:08:46

I sympathise too OP

Keep records of when he has them this will evidence the current routine. The longer the process takes the more the routine is entrenched

Maybe post the question in legal but from what I have seen on MN he may get a bit more but not full 50:50

bastardkitty Fri 27-Oct-17 08:38:52

I think it's complete bollocks to talk about women thinking they can dictate blah blah blah. You picked up the parenting load when he wasn't very interested and now, because he wants to impress his shag and probably reduce his maintenance liability, he wants something different. Vitally important that at least one of you keeps the children's needs and well-being at the forefront, and it isn't going to be him.

sothisisnew Fri 27-Oct-17 12:24:11

Are you sure he's doing this to 'impress' his new relationship and not just so he can see his children more? It sounds a bit mad...

MyBrilliantDisguise that's really offensive to say the only reason a father might possibly want to see his children more is to pay less maintenance. Talk about a sweeping generalisation!

Also, 'threatening' you with court is a very loaded statement- sometimes the only way to see your children is to go through the courts. It doesn't mean it's a 'threat' every time. Sometimes parents are unreasonable, sometimes it's the mums and sometimes it's the dads- the point of court is to arbitrate between them.

Brakebackcyclebot Fri 27-Oct-17 14:04:09

Their dad doesn't have much contact with the children at the moment, does he?

I am against this whilst the kids are this young and believe he only wants to change now to impress in his new relationship... He has written me letters, text me, harassed me on handovers for more time... and now he is threatening to take me to court... will he get granted his 50/50?! We have tried mediation, but nothing much came out of it apart from his absolute determination to take the kids when and how he wants them...

I would like to see what this looks like from his perspective.

You have said that your main concern is you don't want to not see your kids this much.

The main priority needs to be the children. Having their parents fight over them is dreadful and damaging for children. He is their dad. You are their mum. The best thing for them (barring abuse, which you don't mention) is to have a positive relationship with both of you.

NotSureIfiAmWell Sat 28-Oct-17 13:13:34

Realistically can he have them more? My STBX can't as his work commitments don't allow it.

Wishingandwaiting Sat 28-Oct-17 17:29:34

Kisses, you really have no idea.
An 8 month old is very transportable and flexible.
Older Children much much less so. 50/50 is helloshly unsettling for most. They lug around their favourite toys, they may have to miss out on play dates, they’re tored after school and want the comfy onesie that are at their mums for instance. It’s all these little things that really make 50/50 a pain in the ass for the children involved.

OP I really feel for you.

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