Wise advice needed

[Gohackyourself]

Ok need real life experience of how you deal/dealt with this please.

The situation is have been split from ex dh 5-6 years - all have moved on no issues.
The issue has always been dh treats ds like an optional extra - we have had set week nights and weekends in place and over past 2 years since ex met his new partner and her kids and moved he has knocked his weeknights down to none as his excuse was the 40 min round trip was getting too much.
He then made his son give up a weekend sport because he couldn’t commit his weekend time to it for ds.
He agrees to cover a few days in summer holidays ( my parents/myself An partner cover rest) then let’s us down by not fulfilling .

His son had operation 6 weeks ago he texted me to see if had gone to theatre- then didn’t phone/check on his son till he collected him following weekend(ds has a phone he can call him on or text) only time he calls or texts is when he’s telling him he’s not turning up due to late at work or whatever.
He’s meant to turn up last night to collect and 20 mins before tells us “stuck at work won’t be collecting”.

So my question or advice needed is this-
I’ve come to accept he will never fulfill any promises made and even ds is realising too but how do you stop getting annoyed by this- some have tried to advise take all plans with pinch of salt- and I do but I can’t stop the angry feeling- how do I stop that when it happens ?
Once when I had to cancel evening plans I had made he was “well you have parental responsibility so your problem” grrrrrr help

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Sorry he's being so shit to you and DS.

You might find you get useful replies on the Lone parents thread.

How old is DS? Does he want to see his dad on the currently agreed schedule? If things are mostly okay there isn't much you can do and while it sucks, he is right that there's actually nothing you can do to make him step up and be a decent dad, someone's got to be there for DS and when he bails it's got to be you.

I think the advice to take his intentions or plans with a pinch of salt is right. Depending on how old DS is it might be better to keeps things light and breezy, say you're hoping he'll see his dad on x evening or day and then if he doesn't show you can carry on with other plans.

Having said that, you mention he has a phone, so the least you ask of your ex is that he lets DS know himself when he's not going to bother to see him.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Sorry, on stopping angry feelings, you have to pull back and detach as much as you can. No one's saying that's easy but try not to waste your energy on someone not deserving of it. Be the strong, capable, reliable parent you already are and know you're doing the best for your son. He knows you're the one he can trust who's there for him.

[RandomMess]

You need to emotionally detach, I would get some counselling for your DS to help him deal with it

I would be reflective when he asks questions “why isn’t Dad coming” - you respond “why do you think?” Then support him with his feelings about it.

[Gohackyourself]

Annelovesgilbert-
I have heeded the pinch of salt advice very well/ it’s mainly why our marriage ended (An he was a lying cheat )

I’m really not interested in trying to make him a better parent, it would be an impossible task.hes physically unable An hence why he was allowed no contact with his other children for past 10 years .


I can’t explain it very well- the feeling of ds being let down and my plans up the creek(bear in mind have literally 1 night off in 14 of being Mum-work full time etc)
I actually wished he had just walked off into sunset as would be far easier. He’s like a bad migraine once a month at least for mucking about and there’s no cure!

[Gohackyourself]

Randomess-
He’s very mature and accepts that Dad doesn’t seem to stick to a plan and in my opinion graciously accepts it’s just the way he is!
I get I need to detach but that’s why I’m asking- how do you do this? How do you detach when it’s like a ghost, always there , messing your plans up.

[RandomMess]

Stop giving it headspace, stop yourself thinking about it.

[Gohackyourself]

I think I’m obviously not as tough as you or have that straight ability

[RandomMess]

Takes practice, don’t chase for arrangements etc. Don’t engage with ex at all at any level. Tell him to let DS if he’s cancelling contact...

[Hairyhat]

I hope you are getting child maintenance?

[Gohackyourself]

Yes

[Ilovetolurk]

The main issue for me is that the lack of interest and let downs are not damaging your DS. It sounds like you think he is Ok

I had an ex like this, once I expected nothing I was a lot happier. Yes he should be a much better parent but he isn't

[Ilovetolurk]

I did not see how old your DS is but with my DD from about 13 her DF contacted her when he was available and she sees him if she is free

[Hairyhat]

You need to make sure you are getting the full amount of cm for a single parent who has residential responsibilities. If your DS doesn’t see his dad or stay over for any length of time, the amount the non resident parent pays goes up. I think it’s 15 or 17 % of their earnings.