Living and abroad and want to separate.

[cockneylass]

Sorry it’s Long and boring. DH and I have been together 10 years, married 6. We have been living outside of the UK for most of this time. Visit regularly to see our families. Two young DCs.

The relationship is over. We are now in a situation where we need to consider what and how we are going to do this. Currently still living together amicably and acting like a normal, happy family. People in our social circle here would be shocked to hear that things are not all rosy. We 100% cannot leave where we are until the middle of next year. We are fine with this. Issue is what to do when that time comes.

Husband is keen to stay where we are beyond summer next year (for an additional year on top of this one, taking us to mid-2019). There is a possible job opportunity for him that would fit well with our family and could be a good money saving opportunity to deal with all the costs for when we would return to the UK in 2019. We know we’re going to need as much money as we can get to help with divorce costs and setting up two new homes so I am keen to save.

My issue with this is it means we have to stay living in the same house as a family for a year longer than originally intended. Living separately is not an option where we are (and would anyhow defeat the purpose of saving). We’re getting on ok but think we’d be stalling our lives from moving forward with this arrangement.

I may have a job opportunity elsewhere (still overseas but much closer to UK) starting summer next year. I’m keen on this because the money I could earn is a lot better, closer to home and I feel it would be a new start (I.e. we could start the process of separation and begin to live our own lives). He is not as keen as may struggle to find a job in his field. This would be for 2 years (before finally returning to UK permanently) with opportunity to save a reasonable stash on my wage.

I’m not expecting to come back home rich- we won’t, but just want that bit of security for myself and DCs when we get back, be able to maybe buy a home with reasonable mortgage etc.

Third option is to just go straight back to the UK next summer when this current assignment is over. We could separate properly and get on with our lives, but he will struggle to find employment in his field, my salary will be comparatively shit and every month will be a struggle. Zero saving potential.

So to summarias, he is keen on option 1, I’m keen on option 2 and there is an option 3. Don’t know how to proceed for the best. My objectives are getting a bit of money behind us to make it a somewhat more comfortable experience for the kids and I. Those are also his objectives, but I also don’t want to be living in this fake life anymore. He seems ok to carry on with that! WTD?

[cockneylass]

Our intention is for all off your us to reside in the same country, so I wouldn’t be taking them anywhere without DHs permission. My query is should I/we Renew my current job contract and stay in this ‘separated but living together’ Situ for another 20 months?

[Kas74]

Hi

This sounds like a really difficult situation. I would just share my experience with you to see if it helps....

I have recently separated from my husband, we were married 14 years, together 21 in total and have two DDs age 11 and nearly 8.

My husband told me he was unhappy last December. I didn't want to accept that our marriage was over and spent the next five months turning myself inside out trying to resolve things. We then went to Relate but he wasn't engaging, I think he had already made up his mind.

In May he told me that he wanted to leave. My eldest daughter had an important exam in September so we agreed that we would remain living together as normal until that was done. He actually moved out at the start of October. It was a v stressful time for me, trying to maintain business as usual for my girls whilst dealing with my feelings and trying to sort out practicalities. We had our last family holiday together in the Summer which I found very hard.

I understand you wanting to make things easier from a financial point of view, but I would urge you to consider how long you can reasonably live together before things become less amicable than they are at the moment.

Good luck

[cockneylass]

Thank you for taking the time to reply and share your experience. It’s really helpful. I’m really not keen to stay where we are any longer than we have to. We can’t leave this place for another 8 months which already seems too Long. He wants to stay another 2 years on top of that though!

Can I ask what you have told your 2 DDs? How they have responded? Are you still living in the same area? What are the arrangements in terms of when they see each parent?

[Kas74]

Hi

As far as I am concerned this was my husband's decision but of course he did not want to present it like that, so we just said that we had not been happy for some time and think we will be happier living apart.

My daughters have reacted quite differently. My younger one seems to have taken it all in her stride and is not really talking about it much but my older one wears her heart on her sleeve and keeps asking why Daddy doesn't want to be with us anymore and if he will come back.

I am lucky that my family are nearby and I have good friends too. At the moment my husband sees them every other weekend but is having them at our house and I stay at my Mum's. This is a temporary arrangement as I wanted to give the girls a chance to get used to the change. Also he has decided to move quite a way from us which isn't helping. At some point he will take them to his flat for the weekend.

[BewareOfDragons]

If you choose Option 1, make sure you have something in writing from him acknowledging that you're giving up the job opportunity in Option 2, and that he will be providing you with additional financial support in X amount or for X amount of time to make up for it. Otherwise, Option 3 is probably fairest?